Party pooper - How to respond?

[Secondchoice2]

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

It really is not. She makes him loom band bracelets and asks for play dates with him all the time.

I think a lesson can be learned here on your part too then. Please let him have what he wants for his next birthday, rather than planning a party for a girl who didn't want to come.

What putting my child first? No. None of what the op has said has made sense. Why organise a party where her ds doesn't have the friends to attend? Why choose an activity for friends dd for his birthday? What did he want? Are friends dd and him friends?

OP should be organising a party for him and his friends. Not a random day where one person dropping out ruins it.

Eh? I haven’t assumed anything about the other party. Just pointing out that asking a child to honour an invite to something they will very much enjoy is hardly much of a hardship.

You are right to be furious. A lowlife thing to do.

If you think none of what OP has said makes sense then you must have significant challenges with comprehension.

Your attitude is appalling.

Yes, being the mum of an unpopular ASD kid is intense as fuck. She planned with me as I thought she was my friend.

Perhaps some people need to be on the receiving end of this treatment before they can realise why it’s not acceptable. Manners being taught etc.

If particular guests are important I think it’s perfectly reasonable to check they will enjoy the party. You’re not planning it FOR them but you don’t want your sons best friend refusing an invite because it’s their worst nightmare.

My DDs best friend is ND. So I check with her mum before outings/play dates because she is much more likely to feel anxious about a new place/activity.

When my youngest was at school, my then best friend had a party for her DD. (Who I often looked after for 2/3 hours after school for free). She'd invited 18 kids, more or less the entire class apart from my DD, who was really sad as everyone was talking about it. I am proud that I kept a lid on it, until she asked on the Monday after the party if we'd had a nice weekend. I said "not really, I spent most of saturday consoling a crying child about why she'd been left out of a party and telling her why she had to come to school today even though everyone would be talking about it". And I walked off. She messaged me later saying she hadn't realised that she hadn't included her, how scatty she was etc. But it was too little too late for me, and I stayed well clear from then on.

I would suggest messaging Crowbag that you're really saddened and disappointed in her given that she knows how much arrangement has gone into this party. And whilst you didn't have her down as a flaky friend, the lesson has been learned.

Yes it is intense.

Cowbag is a shitty person. There would be no coming back from this for me.

It's got nothing to with being a people pleaser. It's simple good manners- the invitation was accepted. It's unacceptably rude to then accept a later invitation.

It’s obviously really shitty of her, so I’d have to say something. However I’d definitely rope someone else into the laser tag team - that’s great your nephew will do it. We did laser tag a couple of years ago and my dad (very fit 70 year old) ended up having to make up the numbers - the kids enjoyed it even more!

I am sorry that the other mum has been such a horrible cow and encouraged/allowed her son to be too. However if your nephew is comfortable doing the activity with the younger kids, I don't think it will look odd, if kids are spending time together often, they get close. My son's 11th swimming party & 12th trampolining party, were, at his request, 10, 11 & 12 year olds from his old and new schools and our god-daughters aged 3/4&5/6! He loves spending time with them and they are his friends!

That is so terrible. How can people be so cruel and then do the fake “oops aren’t I such a funny flakey person” as an attempt at an excuse. They are below contempt. Well done for calling her out.

@Secondchoice2 I completely feel your pain, my DS was friendly with everyone in school but had no real friends as such. The annual birthday party was the most stressful time of year. At that age they don't really understand that less friends = less choices for a birthday party. I always tried to manage expectations in advance.
I would be worried about the fact that you need 8, great that your nephew will come but what if someone else got sick at the last minute. Any chance that the rest of them have cowbag mothers too? It is the height of rudeness, once you have accepted an invitation don't backtrack because something better comes along.
If it was me I don't think I would bother saying anything to cowbag, she knows exactly what she is doing, you won't get any satisfaction as she is clearly a horrible person. Also do you want to risk ruining the friendship for your son? Hopefully he will move away from cowbags daughter in time but you don't want to be the cause of the friendship ending.

That is really nice to hear. Much credit to your dad.

You really are talking nonsense. If anyone, girl, boy, woman, man accepts a party invitation it's simply bad manners to cancel because a later invitation turns up.

I agree I’d downplay it and distance myself. I’d not give cowboy the satisfaction of the drama.

So you don't believe you should honour your word when you make a promise to do something? It IS effing personal; the other woman is saying that honouring her word with regard to the previously scheduled event doesn't matter because she doesn't give a damn about the feelings of a little boy. What a shocking example to set her own daughter.
Yes, this is smoke coming out of my ears!

This is difficult because it’s your son you need to keep in mind. We don’t know exactly what’s gone on but keeping his friendship with the girl sounds important to me.

As much as it hurts, you put a brave face on and ignore cowbag. Even keep a party bag for the girl. You need to keep that friendship alive between your son and the girl.

I know it will hurt like hell, I know you can’t trust cowbag ever again. But try and keep things civil.

Parachute your nephew in and have a great day.

Bless you. I am autistic (got diagnosed as an adult) and was never very good at parties, now I am 30 I realise it was probably over stimulation. I’ve been the girl who invited my whole class to a party, only two showed up as similar to your situation, another girl handed out invites last minute and they all decided they’d rather go there.

Could a sibling of one of the other 7 children go, just as a tag along? Most kids are up for a party, especially if the activity is all paid for.

It’s extremely bad form but presumably this child threw a tantrum about wanting to go to the other party instead and their mum gave into them.

Edit: I’m sorry your son likes this girl because she’s a rubbish friend. I don’t care if they are primary age, I’d be trying to guide him away from her.

I hate your comment because I think you are right and that sucks. He has two friends, so do I want to destroy one of his two friendships? No. Do I want cowbag to understand what a cowbag she is? Yes.

I don’t think I can have both.

100% this. Call her out, straight to the point, in person. Let her feel a bit shit about it.

I completely disagree with this. The girl has not acted like a friend. At ten years old, you know how awful this looks, it happened to me when I was around the same age. She’s binned off her friend last minute to go to another party instead.

I would be encouraging other friendships, being autistic and struggling with friends doesn’t mean you have to stay with rubbish ones. Sadly autistic kids and teens with low self esteem can let this happen. It’s up to mum to let her son know he doesn’t have to be friends with children who treat him this way.

It’s irrelevant that the party may not be able to go ahead, I assume child does not know this. But backing out last minute to go to another do is rubbish. A good friend would not do this

no party bags, it just lets this child know they’re ok.