Party pooper - How to respond?

[Secondchoice2]

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

Cowbags daughter has told my son that she would prefer to go to his party but her mum wants her to have more female friends. The daughter is really sweet and shy. I cannot imagine her throwing a tantrum. I suppose you never know.

I'm completely gobsmacked at the people on this thread who think Cowbag's behaviour is sending a positive message about not being a people pleaser to her daughter. In no universe is this good parenting. It is sending an appalling message that's its ok to be unreliable and untrustworthy to suit your short-term desires and her daughter is likely to suffer for it longer-term as continuing that behaviour will cost her valuable trust with friends if she were to follow her mother's example. I would never let my kids do this (and i am definitely not a people pleaser).

That's even worse. At least the daughter is a decent friend - Cowbag is awful.

Unless you’ve relayed that information to her mum and gauged her reaction I would not necessarily believe it. Kids that age make all sorts up

This happened to me, I replied to the mum and said oh is it x party, I’ve heard they are on the same day and invites went out this week. Hope you have a lovely time. And made her squirm.

I think you possibly can, presumably she isn't usually a terrible person? I'd be honest and say you find it really disappointing and hurtful that she's done this (adult to adult) whilst saving a party bag for her DD and remaining welcoming for play dates etc because those centre around the children and they shouldn't miss out because of this or DS lose a friend over it.

you are right but Cowbag’s daughter is very sweet and thoughtful. I would be surprised if she had made this decision.

It's quite a complicated concept for a child to make up. Also, for OP's son's sake its better to give the girl who has been a lovely friend so far the benefit of the doubt if she seeks it (which she has) rather than assuming she is lying.

Just to say I hope your little boy has a great day. The mother of the little girl should be ashamed of herself. She could have organised a play date with the birthday girl who invited her daughter two days ago.

This is what I would do, and even see if he could have a spare nice friend on standby. Because people are crap. My ds2 was like this and birthdays were really heartbreaking I would rope in my own friends' older children to make a party.

Also don't say anything to Cowbag because your son already has so few friends.

After this happening to me once and similar situations happening, kids are very good at making things up even at that age, and not all are nice all the time. I’d be speaking to the mother in person and seeing how she reacted…

Ultimately whoever’s ‘decision’ it was, the mum is the one at fault as even if the girl had wanted to go to the other party it’s a ‘well you can’t as it’s on the same day as x’s party that was agreed months ago’.

not the fault of the girl either way.

I would also believe the girl, especially in terms of what I tell my son. I wouldn't be afraid to gently place the blame on the mum when talking to him - 'sorry babe adults are weird sometimes, it's probably something to do with who Friend's Mum wants to be friends with actually' kind of thing. It's important that you allow him to believe his friend loves him, even if there is a - small, I think - possibility she's not telling the truth.

It is so hard isn’t it.

I am still torn. Let loose on cowbag or smile and pretend it is all fine to maintain my son’s friendship with Cowbag’s daughter.

It does sound like the mum is worried her girl is getting left out by other girls, but the idea that her shy dd is going to suddenly be included by going to a party and throwing over a close friend to do that is deluded at best.

This is exactly what I think has happened.

I reckon cowbag's DD is telling the truth.
I personally wouldn't let this go without some comment to cowbag.

It really is. My ds struggled so much with that kind of shit that I'd make a great deal of effort and spend a lot of money to make it an enticing party. Return invites were never forthcoming and in the end we started having guitar hero parties with older children in the family who could be relied upon to turn up and be kind for a couple of hours. In return for pizza 😂

Maybe wait until CB says something/ apologises for letting you down, and have a one liner ready that gets your points across.

"Yes. It won't happen again" should work!

I agree with @Mirroar to an extent. I think it’s not the other child or her mother’s fault your DS struggles to make friends, and honestly, spending months trying to ensure enough guests for an activity that requires considerably more attendees than your DS has friends, and that can’t run with even a single dropout, was just an unwise move. There’s often a last-minute dropout for entirely genuine reasons, for one thing. Kids’ friendships can be very fluid at that age, also. DS, slightly older, is also having a birthday party soon, with a minimum of ten needed (paint balling, ironically!), but is adamant he only wants to invite his six old friends, not his new secondary set. So three parents are joining as canon fodder.

I get that you’re upset, but if your DS values the friendship, and your nephew can make up the numbers, I wouldn’t overreact. I mean, don’t pretend it’s fine when it isn’t, but I wouldn’t decide DS can never see the child again, or anything.

You'll be fine, he might not be. Keep it zipped.

There’s a middle ground where you make it clear it wasn’t cool, (someone will have better way to do this than me) but essentially carry on. And I would save the girl a party bag too.

the mum sounds socially inept to me - I’ve had one (autistic) dd who struggled to find friends and you can’t engineer these things whilst jeopardising what they do have.

I'm surprised at how vitriolic the responses are on here. They aren't 5. At 10 its up to the kids whose party they go to. The girl obviously preferred to go to the other party. I'm sure Cowbag tried to persuade her to go to your son's, but what can she do? At 10, girls like to be included with the other girls. It's a shame for your son, but you placed way to much importance on this party and too much pressure on your friend. Ultimately, she is not responsible for your son's ASD and his struggles at making friends. This is just a decision her kid has made.

All these other Mums telling stories about looking their friends in the face and telling them they did a shitty thing. Wow. This party thing sounds like a minefield. I remember being responsible for my own guest list when I was a child, parents just facilitate.