Party pooper - How to respond?

[Secondchoice2]

My son has ASD and struggles to make friends. He is a cheerful 10 year old and is nice to everyone but rarely clicks with people. He has two good friends and I am grateful for that. I have been planning a small birthday party for him for months. He needed 8 guests to run the activity.

I planned it with the mum of one of his two good friends. Let’s call her Cowbag. She has helped me plan, understands the difficulty I have in getting people to attend and I even changed the activity to something her daughter would like. One week to go before the party and she has now withdrawn her acceptance of the invite saying that she accidentally double booked. she sent this by text. My son is devastated.

However, I have now found out that Cowbag’s daughter is now going to the party of another girl on the same day. This girl only gave out invites two days ago.

I spend a lot of time with this woman and I do not know how to respond. I am so upset.

If the lesson is how to fuck someone over for your own gain

No, not after making a commitment others are counting on. How absurd to even suggest that!

Declining an invitation is fine if that’s part of self-care. Accepting and then weaseling out in order to do something more appealing is low and nasty.

Exactly.

This

That's a bit dramatic, its a 9/10 year old girl going to a birthday party ffs. Its not the girls fault OPs DS doesn't have tonnes of friends to invite.

Not in a situation like this that causes so much hurt. This is appalling behaviour. I'm so sorry, OP.

No she doesn't. Her dd wants to go to her friends birthday where all her other friends are going. She has chosen her dd's needs above the ops

Sorry op you have an option so use your nephew.

It’s really shit behaviour to accept a birthday party invite and then ditch it for a better offer. This isn’t about people pleasing.

but yes @Secondchoice2 get another child however you can, have the party and try and let it go - that family have shown you what they value….useful information, if painfully learned.

Hi Cowbag!

Cowbag helped me plan it. I changed the activity from paintball to lazer tag because her daughter preferred lazer tag. I have texts from January between me and cowbag sorting out the details of the party to make sure my son’s party would go ahead and that her daughter would be happy. This is a horrible betrayal by the Cowbag mother.

Again, this is absolutely on you making the event about her child instead of yours. Why on earth did you do that?

What an utterly shitty way to go through life.

I've been called worse! A bit aggressive though 😂

The fact you had to change the activity to something the girl would like to get her to come would make me question if the kids are real friends.

You should take a leaf out of her book, put your son first instead of her child- why change it if he wanted paintball? Why was so much of the party dependent on this girl going? It would be understandable for your Ds to be disappointed his mate isn't going, but you calling it a betrayal is bizarre.

OP, get some dark glasses so in future when you encounter her at school gates or park you can avoid eye contact & just turn away.

Because it was really important to my son that his two best friends were able and happy to attend.

Let’s just remember that this child is being asked to choose between 1 party, that she will enjoy, with a very close friend and …another party. It’s not like she’s being dragged to something she hates just cos mum committed to it without her consent.

Plus her absence spoils the party which she is old enough to understand and have empathy for. 1 invitee out of 20 who the birthday child isn’t that bothered about? Yeah, I probably would be a bit rude and reject the first invite if my DD was really desperate. But in this specific situation? No absolutely not, I would expect a typical 9 year old to grasp why it’s important to honour the invite.

They are friends, they play together most days. She was just scared of paintball.

I think you may need to accept this is a one sided friendship on your sons part.

erm because she was one of his two closest friends that’s why - but @Secondchoice2 clearly you need to look at widening your ds’s circle outside of school and downplay this to him.

karma will get them one day when they have a group of like minded friends who ditch each other when a better offer appears…

You're assuming a lot about the other party, perhaps she is good friends with her, perhaps all of her other friends are going. Her mum planning this party with OP for literally months is intense AF.

Surprised at the number of cowbags on this thread who teach their kids friends are disposable, and to be entitled little douchebags. So sorry this has happened to you, OP.

I had something slightly similar a few weeks ago For a birthday party we paid a lot for per child with only 8 children one mum messaged me a few days before the party to say "Sorry we're not coming anymore as we're doing something else". I was straight and told her she was rude and that I'd already paid a lot of money for her daughter's place. Needless to say, that child will not be invited again and I will warn other parents about this attitude so they don't waste their money on her kid.

Hope the cousin can fill in and your son has a lovely birthday 🎈

None of which are acceptable reasons to decline an invitation you gave already accepted

It's a shitty thing for the other mum to have done. But I'd not want to host a party that was so reliant on everyone showing up. If someone else has to drop out on the day you're back to the same problem.