To expect my adult stepsons to acknowledge family birthdays

[Stepmonster50]

I’m feeling quite hurt and would really appreciate some outside perspective on this. My adult stepsons (late 20s and early 30s) have once again forgotten my daughter’s birthday, she’s 14. This has happened multiple times now, and each year I hope it’ll be different, but it never is.

I’ve been in their lives since they were teenagers. There parents had divorced before I met their Dad (my husband) I’ve always made an effort to be warm, supportive, and inclusive. I’ve done a lot for them over the years and never expected much in return, but remembering their sister’s birthday doesn’t feel like too much to ask. She’s at an age where these things matter, and she’s old enough to notice the absence.

To be honest, I have learned to live with being overlooked myself (they didn’t acknowledge my 50th last year either, despite being invited to celebrations), but the lack of consideration towards my daughters really stings. I’m starting to question how much effort I want to continue making in this dynamic when it feels so one-sided.

For background, when they see their sisters, they all get on well, they are close. They’ve been on family holidays with us, we’ve always welcomed them with friends and girlfriends. They have come to celebrate their Dad’s milestone birthdays and have a history of coming over when it suits them, rather like teens or younger adults might.

Have others experienced this with adult stepchildren? Am I expecting too much here, or is this just a case of emotional laziness on their part? I’d really appreciate honest views, genuinely trying to make sense of it all. I’ve found it really hurtful this time, and can’t really talk to my DH as he becomes very defensive of his sons.

Then draw consequences from that. Why do you continue to bend over backwards for them if they can’t be bothered?

Thank you. You’ve summarised how I feel and the situation perfectly.

I won’t any more. I’ve got that from this thread.

That’s good. Respect and love aren’t a one way street. After the shit they pulled on your 50th and continuously forgetting their sister their own birthdays should not be a priority anymore either.

Well that's what matters then, not a card. And if a card really matters to your dd then her father needs to step up and remind them to send one.

Why does he? They are adults-why are people so insistent that they be treated like children?

Should their dad also remind them to get dressed in the morning? Or say please and thank you? Or wipe their arse?

They have been told - more than once - that feelings have been, and will continue to be, hurt by this behaviour. It doesn't matter if it matters to them, if their love language is different, if they don't see it as a big deal. They know it matters to someone else and they are still choosing to disregard that - that makes it selfish and disrespectful.

It's really not about them. But I suspect that's not a message they've heard too many times before.

This being about a birthday card is a red herring, it's about behaviour in general.

All the OP has posted about is a lack of effort / acknowledgement of birthdays. That’s it. What I’ve said is considering a bigger picture. That is something people should always do but is distinctly lacking on mumsnet.

I agree with this ^
at this stage it’s their attitude not forgetfulness. In my family we do reminders, not that they are needed much it’s more like a conversation about upcoming things but then it’s up to an adult to act.
I would try reminders for birthdays and Christmas etc with them next year, more specific with checking about present and a card. More like: if you want to come for Christmas you have to bring presents for Stepmonster, Lily and Rose. And with a specific advice what to bring to make things easier.

I would also be tempted to have a conversation with your DD about that if people didn’t make an effort for you - you shouldn’t do for them. More like a matter of fact conversation rather than an emotional one.
And I would point out the selfishness of her brothers re parties, presents etc and how unpleasant it looked from the outside. Out of fairness I would point out their good qualities as well just to teach her that people are not black and white.

My 2 boys (young) only get birthday presents off their half brother (mid 20s, but working & living with GF) because his mother, my OH’s ex, buys them for him! And usually delivers them too!! Boys…🙄

The more I read the more I think the birthday is the least of your issues here. They should not be treating your home as their own - they are actual grownups and shouldn't just 'show up' whenever they feel like it and equally - shouldn't say they're coming and then just not show up. That's just nonsense and your husband should make sure this doesn't continue.

Unfortunately for your daughters, they're just going to have to learn that their brothers are who they are - you can't fix it, you can just help your daughters adjust to it. Everyone has rubbish relatives who don't interact as we might like and they are old enough to understand this now without you trying to go around trying to solve the problem. Will be helpful in the long run to reset their expectations.

I have ADHD men in the family. I am the personified family calendar. I make sure everyone know about birthdays/special occasions a few days in advance. Yes, sometimes they tell me they would have remembered, but no one has ever suggested that I stop. Yes, I know grown ups should be better organised and not rely on me, but in my view, a short text message stops ill feeling. I remind them of my birthday/mothering Sunday too.

OP, protect your daughter from disappointment and give the overgrown boys a heads up. Maybe when they find partners, assuming they are women, they can take over.

Just for interest, when I was younger, it was always the wife who sent the Christmas cards to his and her friends and relations - and it was a major effort. I think that the reduction in card sending has come from the "you do yours and I'll do mine" attitudes - which is quite fair. It's just that 'his' rarely get done. Most men do not seem to treat these things in the same way most women do.

No she hasn’t. She has posted about a general pattern of lack of care from DSSs, both to her and to her kids.

How have you missed that?

This would be a good opportunity to teach her not to prioritise people who don’t prioritise her and that she can dial back on the effort if she wants to.

What effort does she make for their birthdays?

I would say reduce your expectations, and don't involve yourself in their birthdays, invite them to things but don't make special effort for them.

All the pushing and reminders would just annoy me. I think people should be able to set the dynamic they want (such as not sending cards) and people can reduce their efforts accordingly.

I'm not great at sending cards/presents etc to friends but I don't expect anything back/prefer not to get anything from them, because then I feel guilty, but I'm not willing to have that expectation on me.

My eldest daughters are in their 30s and I still remind the older one about family birthdays, my middle daughter always remembers. My son is his 20s and also definitely needs reminding about his older sisters/grandparents birthdays but is very good with his youngest sister's birthday. Maybe it's because they are much closer in age.

She’s 14.

Agree - they are dead to you.

No presents, no favours, no drop ins, no inheritance.

If they ask for something for their birthday just ignore it. If they drop in because you’re a convenient stop just “ah we weren’t expecting you, nows not a good time”.

Having read this, then yes I think yabu. Doesn't this mean much more than a birthday?! To have them see her as their sister, rather than half is huge acceptance. The fact they are crappy men forgetting birthdays is annoying yes, but them thinking she is their sister shows they would be there for her no matter what surely?
My brother's are useless. Never get cards, or very rarely, for me or kids. I know they would be there for me if I needed them in a shot though, and that's what matters really. I know being male doesn't excuse them but a lot just don't really care about birthdays. Maybe their mum reminds them of dads bday which is why they think of it?

No inheritance isn't only OP's decision, and what a massive overreaction

I think the poster meant they shouldn’t get an inheritance from OP. OP’s half of the house should just go to her own dc.

OK, but then her husband should just give his half to his sons, which would be the same result.

Or if OP' survives her husband, would that poster want her to change the will against her husbands wishes? I repeat, what a massive overreaction over... birthdays

OPs husband has 4 biological children. So he could give it to his wife (default) and/or split between 4 children.

It’s obviously not just about birthdays - these adult SS don’t acknowledge anything about the OP or her daughters and couldn’t give a toss. So it’s just giving back the effort that you receive.

I remind them of my birthday/mothering Sunday too.

Maybe when they find partners, assuming they are women, they can take over.

What on earth?? This is the problem. I hope any woman who might consider being their partner respects themselves and has much higher standards.

You have spectacularly missed the bigger picture here.