To expect my adult stepsons to acknowledge family birthdays

[Stepmonster50]

I’m feeling quite hurt and would really appreciate some outside perspective on this. My adult stepsons (late 20s and early 30s) have once again forgotten my daughter’s birthday, she’s 14. This has happened multiple times now, and each year I hope it’ll be different, but it never is.

I’ve been in their lives since they were teenagers. There parents had divorced before I met their Dad (my husband) I’ve always made an effort to be warm, supportive, and inclusive. I’ve done a lot for them over the years and never expected much in return, but remembering their sister’s birthday doesn’t feel like too much to ask. She’s at an age where these things matter, and she’s old enough to notice the absence.

To be honest, I have learned to live with being overlooked myself (they didn’t acknowledge my 50th last year either, despite being invited to celebrations), but the lack of consideration towards my daughters really stings. I’m starting to question how much effort I want to continue making in this dynamic when it feels so one-sided.

For background, when they see their sisters, they all get on well, they are close. They’ve been on family holidays with us, we’ve always welcomed them with friends and girlfriends. They have come to celebrate their Dad’s milestone birthdays and have a history of coming over when it suits them, rather like teens or younger adults might.

Have others experienced this with adult stepchildren? Am I expecting too much here, or is this just a case of emotional laziness on their part? I’d really appreciate honest views, genuinely trying to make sense of it all. I’ve found it really hurtful this time, and can’t really talk to my DH as he becomes very defensive of his sons.

I think they are both old enough now and should be mature enough for you to actually raise this with them. “Sister was really hurt neither of you acknowledged her birthday”. They might have forgotten, not really care about birthdays, or whatever the reason is I think they should be made aware it upset their sister. I think their response would tell you a lot about why this has happened.

He doesn’t “need” to, though. As you say yourself, they’re grown adults. I wouldn’t put up with my parents trying to tell me I had to send birthday cards.

They’ve celebrated DH birthdays but what does your DH/ their dad do for their birthdays? Does he make a big deal and visit them for theirs or is only your DH who gets this? Might be learnt behaviour from SS that no ones birthday is important other than their DF (including their own)

@DontReplyIWillLie would you also expect to come and go at will as you please from your parents house, to stay with no notice, come for Christmas without asking first, have your friends welcomed on family holidays? Because if a person wants all those benefits, to essentially behave like a child, then the parents have a right to treat them like a child and tell them what is expected in terms of their behaviour and obligations.
I suspect you behave like and adult and do your parents don't need to tell you what to do.

If they send your daughter a gift or card is it acknowledged with a thank you? Does your daughter send them gifts?

I’ve opted out of family gift giving now because it was so one sided.

I’ve found it really hurtful this time, and can’t really talk to my DH as he becomes very defensive of his sons.

So DON'T talk to him about it.

Quietly quit. Going forward, save the money you have otherwise spent on celebrating their milestones over the years and spent it on yourself and your daughters.

They don't want to mark their stepmother and half-sisters' birthdays? Cool. Can't really complain when the same happens in reverse. They're well into adulthood now, they should understand that.

Interesting observation. There's mention of DDs birthdays, dad's birthdays, OPs birthdays. No mention of DSS's birthdays at all.

He makes a big deal. Several people have said maybe they don’t celebrate birthdays. They do and they’ve always let us know what they’d like, including big presents for milestone birthdays.

They don’t send birthday cards or gifts. They have occasionally given small gifts (not for birthdays) after being away travelling several years ago and these were always acknowledged.

It’s this, you’ve put it really well. Thank you

Ah there you have it. They tell you.

So tell them.

Problem solved.

Thank you. I was very “hands off” and deliberately didn’t parent them, but left the parenting to their parents. DH and I have had many arguments over how he’s allowed them to behave, it’s been a source of tension.

They did reply to my birthday invitation. They had both said they were coming, one with his girlfriend and on the day, neither turned up and neither sent anything.

They have lived with us. One now lives with his partner and the other in a house share.

@Stepmonster50

I'd be bloody furious! They're grown adults acting like spoiled children. I'd have to make it a 'thing' & call them out on it. I'd also immediately stop any birthday or Christmas cards/gifts to them. The girls are their sisters & you're their stepmum - they're being dicks!!

They have lived here

We don't really do sibling birthdays. Maybe the big ones - I don't give my siblings presents and they don't for me. Same with my husband and his siblings.

Does your daughter buy presents for her brothers? Just from her,

We would all buy for nieces and nephews but she's not their niece.

By "he" I assume you mean their dad? But do you or your DDs mark their birthdays?

Rude to say they are coming and not turn up though.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I appreciate the range of responses and perspectives and hearing about how things work in varied ways in other blended families. I’ve got the perspectives that I came for and so am not going to post any further comments. I really appreciate everyone who helped me think this through, especially those who’d do things differently.

It’s not a gender thing for close family but agree men are less likely to be as bothered about cards perhaps because men aren’t terrible people pleasers in general. My daughter who is 15 gets close friends presents but not cards really so perhaps they are dying out. I’d perhaps reframe it looking at whether they are generally thoughtful and decent ?

my mum didn’t get my husband a birthday card. We’ve been married 24 years, she forgot which is fine but even when she realised made no effort to do anything. But she’s generally self absorbed so not a surprise.

You are Being Unreasonable

I was answering the poster who asked ‘what does their Dad do for their birthdays?’ My DDs and I have done many different things for the stepson’s birthdays, depending on what they wanted including taking them out for lunch, baking cakes, hosting friends, contributing to travel funds, buying specific gifts etc. DDs usually make cards and now they are older call or text as well, or join in a call that my DH makes.

So your DD doesn’t buy them gifts? Rather goes in on a family present from you? Your DD won’t be paying into a meal or anything. I think you have set an expectation that gifts come from the parents rather than the siblings. I don’t think it’s fair to expect them to buy something for their step sister when she isn’t doing the same

I have a half brother, similar age gap. He’s 16 years older than me. I don’t think he’s ever acknowledged my birthday in my life. Admittedly, we have no relationship as adults. But growing up, we did see each other at family events. I honestly don’t even know when his birthday is. I’m mid 40s now so not some uni student, I’m a real grown up, but i couldn’t even guess at the month. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I’ve never acknowledged my step or half siblings birthdays. I’m polite but I’m not really interested in them, it’s not the same as full siblings for me. You can’t force relationships. The fact that they acknowledge their dads birthday is completely different