To expect my adult stepsons to acknowledge family birthdays

[Stepmonster50]

I’m feeling quite hurt and would really appreciate some outside perspective on this. My adult stepsons (late 20s and early 30s) have once again forgotten my daughter’s birthday, she’s 14. This has happened multiple times now, and each year I hope it’ll be different, but it never is.

I’ve been in their lives since they were teenagers. There parents had divorced before I met their Dad (my husband) I’ve always made an effort to be warm, supportive, and inclusive. I’ve done a lot for them over the years and never expected much in return, but remembering their sister’s birthday doesn’t feel like too much to ask. She’s at an age where these things matter, and she’s old enough to notice the absence.

To be honest, I have learned to live with being overlooked myself (they didn’t acknowledge my 50th last year either, despite being invited to celebrations), but the lack of consideration towards my daughters really stings. I’m starting to question how much effort I want to continue making in this dynamic when it feels so one-sided.

For background, when they see their sisters, they all get on well, they are close. They’ve been on family holidays with us, we’ve always welcomed them with friends and girlfriends. They have come to celebrate their Dad’s milestone birthdays and have a history of coming over when it suits them, rather like teens or younger adults might.

Have others experienced this with adult stepchildren? Am I expecting too much here, or is this just a case of emotional laziness on their part? I’d really appreciate honest views, genuinely trying to make sense of it all. I’ve found it really hurtful this time, and can’t really talk to my DH as he becomes very defensive of his sons.

So they are just selfish and entitled. What you could do is remind them of DDs bday. A message in the morning "don't forget it's your sisters bday, she would be happy if you called". I have to remind my dad about my sons bdays, he always remembers mine though.

I think some people just do really forget people’s birthdays (mostly men though) I’ve done it a few times to family and friends over the years (pre-social media so no reminders) and felt awful. It was generally due to being preoccupied/busy so I decided to write everyone’s birthdays who I cared about in a calendar so I wouldn’t forget in future. You also get people who just don’t think it’s a big deal to say happy birthday, which I take are your step sons. I had a male friend who had repeatedly forgot his own mother’s birthday and was laughing about it, I was appalled.

I would pull back, be nice to them but in terms of their birthday or events that celebrate them match their energy and do nothing. If DH wants to arrange something for them, let him. Do not be involved in anything., yes attend but I wouldn’t acknowledge it. If they constantly forget about you and your daughter I would doubt they would even notice it. But I’d still do it.

Agree. However, I would not quietly stop.

Poor you. Imagine a nearly 40 year old man not being able to set some sort of reminder to remember his own mother’s birthday. Something that makes her happy 😳 it’s not a gender thing. Not all men do this. Raise your bar.

I wonder what the responses would be if Op said stepdaughters…. Defo not a gender thing. Feel sorry for all the mother’s commenting that their sons/husband don’t remember her birthday.

I don’t think it does sound fairly normal. Would you also say these comments if the stepchildren were women?

Not everyone has kids. So no they will not likely be better.

I don’t think we should be giving men a lower bar to reach to excuse their inconsiderate behaviour.

My two half siblings both left home when I was little. Never acknowledged my birthdays, even though I idolised them. I'm NC now with them.
You won't change them. I wouldn't bother trying. Your daughter is learning who really cares about her when she has her birthdays.

If you’ve got a generally cordial relationship and they get on with their sister I think you just need to acknowledge that they’re crap at that sort of thing.
My Dad and stepmum have been married 40 years next year. I have a great relationship with my step brother but I bet he couldn’t tell you when my birthday was.

my husband has 4 sisters, if I told him it was his sisters birthday next week he would definitely reply with something like “really? Which one?”

I honestly 🤔 it's more a man thing. Get your husband to buy/organise their birthday gifts or celebrations. That way you won't feel so hurt when they do nothing for your daughter.

Common theme here that once again men are getting away with 0 effort.
Stop getting them anything for birthdays/Christmas if they don’t make an effort for their sister. Enough with enabling useless men who expect more in return.

Tbh my own adult son remembers mine and my husbands birthdays, but doesn’t really bother with anyone else’s (not even his sisters) other than a happy birthday text. But he doesn’t expect presents or birthday wishes from others either.

Sounds like an otherwise great relationship all round and I would just stop expecting them to remember or care about birthdays. Life is way too short.

That's very hurtful @Stepmonster50 to both you and your DDs. I get it though in that someone hurts me, whatever, hurt my DC? Nah I'm coming for you!

I think given it sounds like you've had these conversations previously and the message hasn't sunk in, it's time for your 14yr old to message her (half)brother (i think there's been confusion by incorrectly calling them 'step'siblings when they all share blood and dna via their dad) and call him out.

She doesn't need to be dramatic (i appreciate that's normally a teenage go to lol) but something along the lines of 'way to make me feel loved bro, a quick text acknowledging the day I made your life better by being born would've been appreciated. You suck and I'm hurt'

I'd hope given whilst it seems you have a good if slightly distant relationship with you DSS, they have a closer relationship with their half siblings and will finally feel an ounce of shame and realise they need to do better.

I agree your DH needs to step up as parent to all the DC and call them out but I also understand how these conversations go when you are the step parent. It automatically puts some biological parents immediately on the defensive and they don't hear your very reasonable request they just hear an attack on their DC. It's worth talking to him again though with your joint DD so he can hear from her that it's hurtful and given he's her biological parent it'll be much harder for him to immediately jump to the defence of his sons

I don't think not remembering birthdays signifies any lack of affection. It's just different priorities. Is your daughter really upset by this? And does she send them cards herself? It's also not unreasonable for you to leave cards and gifts for the older sons to your DH.

My 2 DS don't remember each other's birthdays now that the eldest is no longer living at home. If I remind them, they will message happy birthday to each other, but neither is particularly bothered. They don't bother much with mine and DH's birthdays either, though we still give them presents and money.

My brothers and I don't bother with each other's birthdays beyond messaging - unless it's a big one, even though I know the dates. I do exchange cards and gifts with my sister, but that's partly because we both enjoy finding small treats to send each other.

Probably because they're men and they never remember. My son has to be reminded it's my birthday.

It’s so crap isn’t it. I mean they could all put calendar reminders in their phone if they genuinely found it hard to remember birthdays.

It’s just simple laziness and being selfish/uncaring.

If I was you OP, I’d just stop caring about theirs. Just leave it to your DH, but DON’T remind him.

You can’t make them care. I suspect that they pulled out of your 50th probably because they realised they hadn’t got you anything.

Young people that age just don't do cards. Full Stop.

They're adults, not children. Good grief, stop babying grown adults and giving them every excuse under the sun to not be thoughtful, accountable human beings.

If they had to remember a date and an action for work I'd imagine they would manage it no problem. It's embarrassing that so many people are suggesting that they can't possibly help it and daddy should still be holding their hands.

Birthdays 'meaning' something to them is immaterial. They matter to OP and their sisters and their choosing not to respond to that is selfish and lazy on their part, no other narrative.

It's true, OP, though that you are unlikely to change their behaviour now. It's shit but it seems as though the boat has sailed on that - they have shown you who they are. It's up to you whether you remind them - I wouldn't but I can understand that you might feel it's the only way to at least half hope your daughters wouldn't get hurt again.

I have two steps sons who don't send cards and are very random with presents for their father. Occasionally my husband will get one usually weeks or even months after the event. This despite him always sending cards and reasonably expensive presents. It's very upsetting for my husband and drives me mad. I find it really rude and disrespectful so I can understand you being upset.

I have 3 kids, 9 grandchildren. I remember all of their birthdays. I have one child who remembers my birthday. Do I give out. No. I remember all of them. It's not a competition.

I agree. They are. But not everyone cares about birthdays. And if you want people to live by your standards then facilitate it.

Mine do this and I've been in their lives since they were tiny

So leave it then and stop.pushing it, they don't want too.
Why would you want a card from somebody who had been forced into it. Let it go.