To expect my adult stepsons to acknowledge family birthdays

[Stepmonster50]

I’m feeling quite hurt and would really appreciate some outside perspective on this. My adult stepsons (late 20s and early 30s) have once again forgotten my daughter’s birthday, she’s 14. This has happened multiple times now, and each year I hope it’ll be different, but it never is.

I’ve been in their lives since they were teenagers. There parents had divorced before I met their Dad (my husband) I’ve always made an effort to be warm, supportive, and inclusive. I’ve done a lot for them over the years and never expected much in return, but remembering their sister’s birthday doesn’t feel like too much to ask. She’s at an age where these things matter, and she’s old enough to notice the absence.

To be honest, I have learned to live with being overlooked myself (they didn’t acknowledge my 50th last year either, despite being invited to celebrations), but the lack of consideration towards my daughters really stings. I’m starting to question how much effort I want to continue making in this dynamic when it feels so one-sided.

For background, when they see their sisters, they all get on well, they are close. They’ve been on family holidays with us, we’ve always welcomed them with friends and girlfriends. They have come to celebrate their Dad’s milestone birthdays and have a history of coming over when it suits them, rather like teens or younger adults might.

Have others experienced this with adult stepchildren? Am I expecting too much here, or is this just a case of emotional laziness on their part? I’d really appreciate honest views, genuinely trying to make sense of it all. I’ve found it really hurtful this time, and can’t really talk to my DH as he becomes very defensive of his sons.

It's only okay to trot out the 'maybe they don't care about birthdays' line, if they don't care about their own. But OP says they do, that they put in requests for presents. So it doesn't wash that their sisters' birthdays just aren't on their radar.
I'm also not getting the pic that generally the relationship is great so this stuff doesn't matter. The relationship isn't great - they are hurting their sisters' feelings by not making any effort and they have been rude af to their stepmother in accepting invitations and then just not turning up, with no apology or explanation.
They want everything on their own terms and take the OP's home for granted. They aren't teenagers, these are grown arse men who are definitely old enough to know better.

Couple of things here, first OP expects the DSS to have an adult/adult relationship with her their DF and their half siblings. Except often when you are a DC even an adult one it’s tricky to move away from the Adult/Child dynamic, especially when subconsciously you may think that the half siblings have replaced you as your DFs DC.

Secondly some people make such a godawful fuss of their birthday. I remember uncles second DW was over for her birthday and woe betide us if we hadn’t ordered cake for the restaurant and sung happy birthday in public and made a huge fuss of her, she was an adult and it was a non zero birthday. I get it’s a teen here, but she probably wouldn’t have been half as bothered if OP wasn’t being professionally offended on her behalf.

Thirdly some of us are rubbish at remembering birthdays. I pay my taxes, I did an ok job raising my adult DS, I am looking after my demanding elderly DPs, seriously I am not going to beat myself up for forgetting a birthday. If that makes me an awful human, then fine I can live with that.

Some people are just rubbish at birthday recognition etc. The only time that's a problem is if they expect others to recognise their birthdays, but fail to do the same in return.

They likely don't mean anything at all by this - and if they don't want to celebrate birthdays then so be it - the next time you see them just have a nice chat with them and ask them what they'd like to do now people are growing up etc - and that you don't want them to feel they should have to buy gifts/call etc etc if they don't really want to.

You may have to manage your expectations and own fondness for birthday celebrations - not everyone is particularly fussed about them, particularly when they aren't children anymore.

Do your stepsons and daughter have the same dad?

I know what you mean, I have an adult SS as well as a DD with a 12 year age gap between them. I usually remind him about her birthday and he'll come over with a present, but he definitely wouldn't remember by himself. But I find all the males in my life are pretty rubbish and don't place the same importance on birthdays as women do. I stopped worrying about it a long time ago - my DD isn't bothered and therefore, nor am I!

I agree with PPs that a lot of men see birthdays as domestic/soppy.

My brother wouldn't be able to tell you when any blood relatives' birthday is. My partner would be the same but his sisters mercilessly take the piss out of him when he forgets which is more effective than acting hurt.

I refuse to take responsibility for my brother/partner's lack of care. It's nothing to do with me.

You shouldn't be 'facilitating' any relationship to be treated with basic respect. I'm sorry if you have been taught that you need to.

People are perfectly entitled to not care about anything they like, but if they know that it matters to someone else and they disregard it then they are making an active choice. Don't make excuses for them. Accept it, sure - you can't change anyone else's choices - but don't diminish shitty behaviour and pretend that it's OK.

It doesn’t sound as if birthdays are that important to them. They also sound quite disorganised. Some people are like that, it doesn’t mean they don’t love their sister.
As it’s a much younger sister who might be disappointed, I think I would be reminding them, in a “ It’s Jane’s birthday on the 12th, next Friday, come and meet us for dinner at x restaurant- it’ll be a lovely surprise for her” kind of way.

A lot of men are absolutely hopeless at birthdays/Christmas etc etc and in a lot of cases it's their mums then gf or wives that get and send the cards and gifts.
How is your Husband with all of this, how have you dealt with cards and gifts over the years with your SC and your own children and his family? Has he done all of that or let you do it?

My brother has gone me precisely 1 birthday card - I reminded him - in living memory. He also drove me to hospital when I broke my arm. Visited me every day. He dug up my garden when I moved in and landscaped it for me, when I broke up with my first boy friend he slept on my couch for a week, he takes me autistic daughter on dog walks regularly just because she loves it. And more. But you’re right none of that matters because he doesn’t care about birthdays. Get some perspective.

I’m starting to question how much effort I want to continue making in this dynamic when it feels so one-sided.
For background, when they see their sisters, they all get on well, they are close. They’ve been on family holidays with us, we’ve always welcomed them with friends and girlfriends.

Stop all effort from now.

No more birthday presents from you.
No mire Christmas presents,
No birthday cards.
No more texts.
No more hosting them, leave it to DH.
And when they have kids, do not send anything.

None of that is relevant to OP.

30 year old forgets 14 year olds birthday

Big whoop

it’s hardly a big deal

Im guessing neither one of them gives a big shiny crap and it won’t affect their relationship in the slightest

Thank you to all who have given new responses. When I stepped back from the thread on Saturday I didn’t expect it to continue to have momentum and so I wanted to acknowledge the many new replies. I’ll reply to as many as I can individually but am very grateful for all the responses.

It’s a big deal to my DD, not least because she makes an effort for their birthdays and was looking out for post/ hoping there would be a text or phone call.

If she didn’t care, I wouldn’t be asking on MN 🤷‍♂️

This feels mean spirited but I’m seriously tempted.

I’m really glad that you have a brother who shows empathy, love and care in so many practical ways. Unfortunately my DDs do not have that, perhaps that’s why birthdays feel a big deal. It is a reminder that it’s all on their DBs terms.

He doesn’t ’let me do it’ because I made it very clear at the start of the relationship that I didn’t see that as my role.

I’m not being professionally offended on her behalf. She gets disappointed, I feel sad for her.

My DH has had that conversation with both of them, and I’ve spoken to one DSS about an adult relationship with me/us now that he is in his 30s a few months ago.

The DSS have had large gifts and celebrations and asked for quite specific things for their milestone birthdays, that I’ve made significant financial and time contributions to. Therefore it feels onesided.

Yes

I have brothers I'm more related to than that who never acknowledge my birthday. They might remember if someone mentions it to them on the day, but otherwise nada. Raised by the same parents....the sisters all acknowledge, we've given up on the brothers.

They have the same response to everything like this. A shrug, a so sorry didn’t realise it would cause upset, yeah you’ve got a point, assurance of things being different now they understand and then nothing changes.

I agree with a pp that they are behaving the way they've always been allowed to. They were thoughtless as children and that's been allowed to continue into adulthood. It shouldn't have. After your 50th birthday party their dad should have asked why they didn't turn up when they said they would and didn't send anything. You spoke to them about it but what was their actual response? That for me would have been telling. It depends on the sibling dynamic but at 14 would she not text her brothers and say that they had forgotten her birthday?

As a side note my dh is really rubbish with his side of the family's birthdays. It isn't because he doesn't love them so they do get a gushing text but he doesn't place much emphasis on material stuff so is less fussed about arranging a card and presents. His mum pulled him up on it and since we've been married he does. She pointed out whilst it might not be a priority for him, others appreciate it and it's about them not himself.

Hope your dd had a lovely birthday.