To expect my adult stepsons to acknowledge family birthdays

[Stepmonster50]

I’m feeling quite hurt and would really appreciate some outside perspective on this. My adult stepsons (late 20s and early 30s) have once again forgotten my daughter’s birthday, she’s 14. This has happened multiple times now, and each year I hope it’ll be different, but it never is.

I’ve been in their lives since they were teenagers. There parents had divorced before I met their Dad (my husband) I’ve always made an effort to be warm, supportive, and inclusive. I’ve done a lot for them over the years and never expected much in return, but remembering their sister’s birthday doesn’t feel like too much to ask. She’s at an age where these things matter, and she’s old enough to notice the absence.

To be honest, I have learned to live with being overlooked myself (they didn’t acknowledge my 50th last year either, despite being invited to celebrations), but the lack of consideration towards my daughters really stings. I’m starting to question how much effort I want to continue making in this dynamic when it feels so one-sided.

For background, when they see their sisters, they all get on well, they are close. They’ve been on family holidays with us, we’ve always welcomed them with friends and girlfriends. They have come to celebrate their Dad’s milestone birthdays and have a history of coming over when it suits them, rather like teens or younger adults might.

Have others experienced this with adult stepchildren? Am I expecting too much here, or is this just a case of emotional laziness on their part? I’d really appreciate honest views, genuinely trying to make sense of it all. I’ve found it really hurtful this time, and can’t really talk to my DH as he becomes very defensive of his sons.

my brother was useless. Rarely acknowledged a birthday.

Presumably they share a father, which makes them half siblings. You choose to call her their sister, but perhaps that’s not how they see her. I don’t see my half brother as a brother, probably because I wasn’t brought up with him, he’s from my father’s second marriage and grew up in a different town.

Continue having a friendly relationship with them but make sure your husband is the one making any effort to buy them and cards/presents for their birthdays/Christmas etc. Not even acknowledging your milestone birthday is hurtful.

How old were they at major stages?
When you moved in with their dad?
When you married?
How much have they actually lived with her?

Do they get you or your dh cards/presents/ send birthday messages? Do they assume you still add their names?

my dds are 22,24 and they do get their younger siblings gifts independently now but I still add their names to cards for aunts/uncles/cousins.

Sure it's nice but they didn't ask for a sister i presume? Why is it expected people have to act a certain way just because they are put together? Even if they live together or not

If they don't do anything they don't, you can't force it and assuming they should because you decided they have too doesn't make it happen

It is nice when people do nice things for each other but it should be a choice

This makes sense. You've gone out of your way for them, and it's not appreciated. Your husband defends their lack of consideration. So quietly stop. You are not being unreasonable at all to take a step back.

OP you may get a more sympathetic response over on the stepchildren board. You are not being unreasonable to be hurt by this in my opinion. They are grown adults and she is their sister.
if this has happened before, then why can’t their dad bring it up ahead of her birthday to make sure they acknowledge it? It’s a shame he needs to, but this is what I would do.

This. Stop covering all the bases. Women should not take on the extra work to cover for the carelessness of their partners or men in general.

Oh ffs even if you “didnt want a sister” or don’t see her as your real sister (despite sharing a father) it’s not impossible to be a decent human being and remember her birthday.
That said, millions of people (often men) don’t bother/forget acknowledging the birthdays of their family members, whether step families or intact biological families. It’s mainly down to being lazy selfish pricks.

I still remind my sons when it’s their Dads/grand parents birthday, My Mum still reminds me of an uncles birthday. I don’t think it’s a big deal. If it matters to you, give them a reminder.

if you have a step family that genuinely gets in well, you are very lucky. Get some perspective.

Sure it's nice but they didn't ask for a sister i presume? Stupid comment of the day, nobody 'asks' for siblings!

YANBU it is common courtesy stop acknowledging their Birthdays now though, give the same amount of effort back.

My ds never buys cards, if he does they go in a drawer for years. He never sends me a birthday or mother's day card and we're very close. He also doesn't appreciate cards and doesn't care if he doesn't receive them. We've had words several times about it but it's just not on his radar.

That’s their preferred language. I have two daughters and from early on, it was one of my stepsons who said ‘we don’t like the word step, they’re my sisters like my brother is my brother.’ So it came from one of the stepsons and they’ve both used the word sister, they hug them, when they were small pulled them onto their laps, made snowmen, did lots of fun things.

Also I am the oldest of four. I didn’t ask for any of my siblings. In fact I didn’t ask to be born either so I’m not sure why I should do anything for my parents. I will now take this as the green light to treat like rubbish and forget birthdays because why should I have to be nice to anyone that I didn’t expressly ask to be in my life?

It was hurtful, but I’ve tried to put that aside. I’m much more hurt for my children.

most men are useless at this kind of thing. I have an older son, 14yrs older than his sister (technically half, but hate saying half) and he never sends a card. I always buy a sibling card and its signed from both brothers. It is a bit disrespectful, thankfully my younger son is much better at birthdays, especially since he got a girlfriend.

I’m 49 and my mum still reminds me about some family birthdays.

some people (mostly men but some women) don’t really do wife work. Others are scatty and don’t remember this kind of thing. The only reason my DD remembers her brother’s birthday is that they were born on the same day, and even then they don’t send each other cards and presents.

feel free to step back a bit from sending them cards and presents.

Do you know if they acknowledge one another's birthdays? My sons don't send each other cards, let alone their half-sibs. Half-sibs don't send cards back either.

They’ve lived with us at different times and stayed for long periods when they were late teens and one came to live with us in his early 20s after university.

It’s a good point. I don’t know if they do this. They definitely acknowledge their Dad’s and a few times have involved me to help my daughters to do a joint present with them for their Dad.

I think I’d feel better if it was universal, but they acknowledge their Dad’s birthday, with cards and gifts, so they definitely do cards.

My dh doesn't send his siblings cards. That's just their relationship.

Thank you. Maybe it is a gender thing, I hadn’t considered that. I haven’t stepped back over the years because I didn’t want to be churlish or tit for tat about it, but it is what I feel like doing.

Do they text or call your daughter on her birthday, I think that counts as a card. I remember being wild with anger (silently) when ds1 didn't send ds2 a card despite me having bought, addressed and put a stamp on it. Ds2 wasn't bothered.