To expect my adult stepsons to acknowledge family birthdays

[Stepmonster50]

I’m feeling quite hurt and would really appreciate some outside perspective on this. My adult stepsons (late 20s and early 30s) have once again forgotten my daughter’s birthday, she’s 14. This has happened multiple times now, and each year I hope it’ll be different, but it never is.

I’ve been in their lives since they were teenagers. There parents had divorced before I met their Dad (my husband) I’ve always made an effort to be warm, supportive, and inclusive. I’ve done a lot for them over the years and never expected much in return, but remembering their sister’s birthday doesn’t feel like too much to ask. She’s at an age where these things matter, and she’s old enough to notice the absence.

To be honest, I have learned to live with being overlooked myself (they didn’t acknowledge my 50th last year either, despite being invited to celebrations), but the lack of consideration towards my daughters really stings. I’m starting to question how much effort I want to continue making in this dynamic when it feels so one-sided.

For background, when they see their sisters, they all get on well, they are close. They’ve been on family holidays with us, we’ve always welcomed them with friends and girlfriends. They have come to celebrate their Dad’s milestone birthdays and have a history of coming over when it suits them, rather like teens or younger adults might.

Have others experienced this with adult stepchildren? Am I expecting too much here, or is this just a case of emotional laziness on their part? I’d really appreciate honest views, genuinely trying to make sense of it all. I’ve found it really hurtful this time, and can’t really talk to my DH as he becomes very defensive of his sons.

Where is their dad in this? I’d expect my husband to be pulling them up on this selfish behaviour!

Some people are just terrible at birthdays - when they have kids of their own they’ll likely be better

You need to remind them (annoying though this is)

Honestly I don’t know why you don’t just message them or ask your hubby to do it saying it’s your sister’s birthday today can you please message her

He has, and feels that at their age, there isn’t a lot he can do. He’s had conversations over the years.

What you said in your first reply and the references to them as "my" rather than our daughters gave the impression they are step siblings. Is it possible that your language choices reflect family dynamics? Might explain how they act.

My SD has never acknowledged my birthday in 25 years!

People in this age bracket are notoriously selfish and self absorbed. Don't take it personally.

She’s their half sister not step sister

I don’t think this needs over analysis - all the evidence is that they are fond of her but crap at remembering birthdays. So they just need to be reminded

I met my husband when my now stepson was two. We married the following year. My stepson is over thirty now. He acknowledges every birthday, Christmas, mother’s days. He also acknowledges his half brothers birthdays. We have close relationship as a family unit. It sounds like they are deliberately missing out these milestones.

Not sure why you’ve got a couple of posters determined to try and catch you out here, OP; I found your posts perfectly clear: your daughters are yours and your husbands, the sons are your husband’s and his ex’s.

It’s very disappointing that your SSs, like many men, have gone down the route of being selfish and hurtful this way. It’s often excused as “oh men are terrible at these things” or “men don’t care about cards” etc but they know they are hurting their younger sister’s feelings (because you’ve told them repeatedly) and are continuing to do so, with the blessing of your husband, who defends their rudeness.

There isn’t really a way to stop them being less shit to their little sister; all you can do is react accordingly: let them know she is hurt and you are unhappy about it, comfort her and acknowledge how crap it is of them, and stop doing any wife work for them or your husband, because they clearly don’t appreciate it.

sympathies xx

That would seem fairly conclusive then? Which means the solution here is you and DD learning not to let it bother you.

Message “hey it’s your sisters birthday tomorrow, don’t forget to send a message”.

Or you both just accept birthdays aren’t a big deal to them and it doesn’t mean anything more than that.

I did think that but she later specifically referred to them as step. Not sure how people can be blamed for the misunderstanding that followed!

My brother hadn’t sent me a birthday card on the right date without being told to by my parents in 45 years. I don’t care because that’s just who he is, I know he loves me but cards aren’t his thing.

Now he has a Moonpig account which prompts him the week before, and does all the work of writing and posting the card, so for the first time in our lives we get cards from him. My kids find this hilarious.

DH and his brother never send each other cards or gifts. They just aren’t arsed about it.

DH’s mother sends a card for every possible occasion. She’s single-handedly propping up Royal Mail in her town, I think.

Some people are birthday people, some people aren’t.

People are different. I exchange gifts with my siblings every year, my DH wouldn't dream of it. I assume they don't expect gifts from their sisters and don't feel the need to give gifts... to me that's fine. Like you say, they are adults, it's their choice.

They are selfish, inconsiderate dicks. The only way forward is to sink to their level and treat them as they treat you... or keep being hurt...

That doesn’t sound great. I wonder if there is a weird psychology with step families where by you feel you never lived there, are not fully part of it, so never feel fully committed. Some people don’t bother with birthdays. I would just go along with whatever they do but not make a big effort yourself. Not much else you can do…I guess your DC won’t remember their birthdays when older so it will even out.

OP, very similar ages. DSS in 20s and 30s. DD is a young teen. They aren't perfect at all but they adore DD (MN has told me they couldn't possibly love her and I'm shit for bringing another child into their lives.) They don't always remember mine or DHs, or even each others birthdays (youngest forgot about their brothers 30 celebration) but they do hers. She stops with them, they take her out, spend time with her where possible. I'd always choose them as brothers for her.

If this wasn't the case, yes I'd be very hurt. I have learnt over the years to let thing go. Not dwell on things. People don't acknowledge birthdays like they use to. Cards are less common. You can't force relationships. You can focus on one's that enrich your life. My own DB is shit. My step sister is shit. You can talk to them about it, or adapt expectations.

I would pull back and stop giving it head space.
Let your dh sort gifts/cards out for them.
My adult step children came for Christmas lunch ( along with one boyfriend.) They openly all gave dh Christmas presents whilst giving me absolutely nothing. They didn’t even bring a bottle of wine or contribute in anyway towards the meal. They didn’t offer to wash up or help in anyway.
Yet dh will comment if my dcs don’t jump up to help or buy me gifts.
I think you just have to let it go.

Btw OP it is a big positive and credit to all of you that they are close to your DC. Them remembering all milestones etc would mean nothing if they didn’t get on

IME men just don't place the same importance on birthdays as women do. If I didn't send SIL a birthday card she wouldn't get one as it just wouldn't occur to DH to send her one.

SIL told him off recently for not sending their cousin a birthday card for his 70th birthday, whereupon DH said he didn't even know when his birthday was.

He wouldn't care if no-one remembered his birthday either, although it doesn't help that his is at the beginning of January and he is totally over the celebratory season by then.

My dc had a card with money every year from my brother in his wife’s handwriting until his wife left him and they’ve never had one since, last time he called it was my dd birthday and he was shocked and apologised that he’d called during her birthday treat.
I don’t think it’s good enough but the bar isn’t very high for men and it’s just accepted that he doesn’t have a wife to remind him now so he isn’t expected to know.

People treat others how they've allowed themselves to be treated. Your step sons have been allowed to come and go at will and not ever held accountable for the times they've shown up late, or not at all, so this is their 'normal' now. Your husband has enabled them to grow up selfish and rude and you are reaping what he has sown. While they may not care much about birthdays, they should have the sense to realise that children do and make some effort for their sisters!
Your dh continues to fail you here - he should have given them a bollocking about not replying to your 50th birthday invitation or sending you a card and he should be reminding his sons that it's their sisters' birthdays and that it hurts their feelings if their big brothers don't acknowledge them. It should be your husband who teaches his sons that relationships aren't effortless and lack of input will damage them. It's basic manners really.

If they are told all this and still don't change them you both have to change how you respond to this. You are entitled to expect basic courtesy - they are adults not kids and your home is not a free hotel where they can come and go at will, with no asking in advance. Relationships are reciprocal and they are old enough to have the responsibilities as well as the rights which come with family and home.
You don't have to buy gifts for people who don't acknowledge milestone birthdays for you. It's okay to withdraw your effort. Your husband will have to draw his own line in the sand, but it wouldn't hurt to remind him that he has a duty to protect his daughters' feelings as well as his sons and this is a situation he ought to be managing.

Some people just aren't that interested in birthdays. My brother and I have a pact to remind each other about other people's birthdays so we don't forget. I haven't given a gift beyond a dinner out and I don't expect anything on mine.

I think you should focus on the relationship. As a blended family you all get on well. Surely that is more important than the card. Remind them if it matters to you but I wouldn't cause a rift for this.