To expect my adult stepsons to acknowledge family birthdays

[Stepmonster50]

I’m feeling quite hurt and would really appreciate some outside perspective on this. My adult stepsons (late 20s and early 30s) have once again forgotten my daughter’s birthday, she’s 14. This has happened multiple times now, and each year I hope it’ll be different, but it never is.

I’ve been in their lives since they were teenagers. There parents had divorced before I met their Dad (my husband) I’ve always made an effort to be warm, supportive, and inclusive. I’ve done a lot for them over the years and never expected much in return, but remembering their sister’s birthday doesn’t feel like too much to ask. She’s at an age where these things matter, and she’s old enough to notice the absence.

To be honest, I have learned to live with being overlooked myself (they didn’t acknowledge my 50th last year either, despite being invited to celebrations), but the lack of consideration towards my daughters really stings. I’m starting to question how much effort I want to continue making in this dynamic when it feels so one-sided.

For background, when they see their sisters, they all get on well, they are close. They’ve been on family holidays with us, we’ve always welcomed them with friends and girlfriends. They have come to celebrate their Dad’s milestone birthdays and have a history of coming over when it suits them, rather like teens or younger adults might.

Have others experienced this with adult stepchildren? Am I expecting too much here, or is this just a case of emotional laziness on their part? I’d really appreciate honest views, genuinely trying to make sense of it all. I’ve found it really hurtful this time, and can’t really talk to my DH as he becomes very defensive of his sons.

I do think it's a gender thing and possibly a generational thing too. I wonder if a gay male couple send each other cards? I think men send women cards because they know it's important to the woman.

DS is nearing 40. He still doesn’t know what day my birthday is, apart from it’s some time in that month! His sister has to tell him every year what day, it is! When he knows, he gets me a special card and presents; and takes me out for a meal.

ITA it’s a gender thing!

Yanbu. I would remind them, not for them but for their Dsis.

DH is crap too, when it comes to anyones birthday messages or gifts.

Yes, my ds1 may fill in a card from a drawer 6 months after my birthday with a lovely, heartfelt message. Or a really nice text. But he just isn't swayed by a mass produced piece of card. But I am! It's my age.

I am a stepchild and my efforts are inconsistent, but I do always do Christmas presents, visit when I can. What do they do? Maybe they don’t see the birthday as big deal, you can’t change that. If it is the only thing then ok. Your DH is their dad so whatever they do I guess he will keep putting an effort in.

I would say most people under 40 aren't fussed about birthdays, sending cards etc. And I know it sounds sexist, but I think it's more likely to be men who fall into this category.
You think it is because they are stepsons, OP, which makes you sensitive to it. But they're just people, so cut them some slack.

Do you remind them? I bad to ask my mum what date her birthday was the other day.
I dont keep a calendar of birthdays and ita hit and miss if remember anyone in my families apart from my children.
Just remind them the day before, my mum reminds me of all family birthdays.

If they are late 20s early 30s and the OP has been in their lives since they were teens it means the sister is highly likely to be their half sister or at least they’ve been with her since she was an infant

no one asks for a sibling but they are siblings all the same.

It is crap that they didn’t buy you a card for your 50th when they were actually there celebrating it <doh> but I would give them more of a free pass for their stepsister.

Some people- me included - are not great at remembering birthdays. I had a period in my teens/early twenties where I struggled to get DMs right , makes me laugh ironically now as I have to repeat her DOB to numerous medical professionals.

They just forgot it doesn’t make them bad people or means that they don’t love her. As it’s important to you either you or your DH should remind them a couple of weeks before the event next time. If you want to make less effort for their birthdays then go ahead, but don’t make it into some big thing because it’s really not.

They do what suits them to be honest. When they were younger and travelling more, if they a flight ( we live close to the airport) then they’d tell us they’d like to stay, or if they are at a loose end, and in the area for another reason, they pop in, often a lot later than they’ve said they will eg they’ve said they’ll come for lunch and when the DDs were younger, arrive at bedtime or not at all. If we’ve been somewhere on holiday and they wanted to bring friends, they came, I welcomed them, but they don’t do things that aren’t on their terms.

They’ve routinely forgotten Christmas but also turned up at Christmas without telling us.

One year one stepson arrived unexpectedly and it was my other daughter’s birthday. He pretended he’d remembered (we reminded him on his way to us) and he gave her a piece of biltong which he’d hastily gift wrapped when he arrived. She was 9. It was a bit of a weird moment.

They weren’t there celebrating my 50th. I’d invited them, they said they were coming and then didn’t turn up or acknowledge it in any way.

Yeah but that’s not a gender thing. Stop making excuses for them.

honestly surprised at the answers in this thread. Two grown up men can absolutely remember their sister’s birthday- hello phone notification! And they can send a card and present got their stepmom’s 50th birthday. They just dgaf.

again stop making excuses for men and cover for them. Jesus, if you all never ecxpect anything of men most will never raise to the occasion. My former partners were never this inconsiderate. And I’m raising my son to be attentive and self sufficient to remember birthdays or at least save a marker in the calendar. It’s not rocket science.

Do you ever remind them? Some people are just not good / or bothered about birthdays. I’m one.

Have a read up on Mel Robins “Let them”.

Yes.

Your husband is really letting you down, he should be telling his sons what is expected. Why isn’t he doing this?

Your dh needs to make clear it is impacting family relationships, and it’s likely you will both pull back unless they can consistently make an effort.

They are very rude and inconsiderate.

I would not make any effort or acknowledge any birthday going forward.

Why is everyone saying it’s a gender thing? It’s not. It’s a ‘I can’t be arsed’ thing. They’ve shown they don’t care. Acknowledge it for what it is. Don’t put it down to having a penis.

Well I would like to think adult DCs would be welcome on their own terms.
They just sound like mildly thoughtless young people, by all means stop making an effort if it troubles you. It sounds like different love languages, I find it odd that people get so overexcited about birthdays, my friend and I regularly forget our own and our DCs. DH once forgot our anniversary which admittedly wasn’t great, but I did get some nice jewellery as compensation.

That is bloody rude. What did your dh say to them? Disgusting behaviour. This is not okay.

What does their dad say about this? To be honest some people are rubbish at remembering dates and need a reminder. If it’s important to you and DD their dad should be giving them a nudge ‘don’t forget it’s x birthday next week, make sure you get her something’.

That sounds fairly normal. The decade after leaving home is full on with friends and studying and partying and working away and late nights. Forgetting birthdays is normal.

Set up a family Facebook group. Add in all the birthdays. Then it will pop up on their phones and remind them, and they can send a message.

of course people should remember things that are important to other people - but they aren’t doing this. So now the choice is yours - do you ignore it? Let it hurt you every single time? How do you treat them in return?

I personally don’t like a lot of angst over other people’s actions so I’d just gently detach a bit from it. Stop going out of your way to include them, stop reminding them of everything multiple times, just let it rest. They might grow up a bit and choose a slightly different relationship in future, it might just get a bit distant for a while - you can’t fix it and you’re driving yourself crazy over it. Them saying they’d come to your party and then just blanking it would be the end of the road for me to be honest.

for what it’s worth I got a birthday card from my brother last month - think it was the first since we lived together 30 years ago! Was quite a shock and still have no idea why he sent it, we’ve never done that for each other.

I don’t see it as my role to remind. They are adults.

My brother was useless but so is my eldest DD.
Loving in other ways.