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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think new mums should be given a good weeks breathing space?

175 replies

Glowowowowowow · 16/05/2025 20:07

People have no newborn etiquette. It is appaling. I know someone who left the hospital with her new born, only to have her in-laws visit, sibling pop over, dh's grandparents knock the door. She was telling me she just wanted a nap and a few days of silence and peace. Why do people think this is acceptable? If you are someone who would just knock the door, why? Genuinely trying to understand.

OP posts:
BatchCookBabe · 16/05/2025 20:09

I know a lot of posters will disagree @Glowowowowowow but YANBU. I agree with you.

ThreeFeetTall · 16/05/2025 20:10

I loved having people round straight away and them cuddling the baby. My sister in law was staying with us the weekend we brought the baby home (he was early). It was lovely

Redpeach · 16/05/2025 20:10

ThreeFeetTall · 16/05/2025 20:10

I loved having people round straight away and them cuddling the baby. My sister in law was staying with us the weekend we brought the baby home (he was early). It was lovely

Me too, it's such an exciting time

U53rn8m3ch8ng3 · 16/05/2025 20:11

Same. I wished people would have just left us alone.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 16/05/2025 20:12

I loved having people over straight away but when I KNEW ABOUT IT.
But THREE times I had neighbours knock unannounced just as I was nodding off to sleep. I was absolutely fucking raging. And felt so ungrateful but I didn't want cards or random shit all I wanted was sleep.

ForkyDorky · 16/05/2025 20:13

I told the in laws not to disturb us when we went home with DD2 (DD1 was prem and we didn’t get the normal experience!)

MIL came by day 3 and I was so furious that she ignored our request that I locked myself in my bedroom to feed lol 😂

stayathomer · 16/05/2025 20:13

We got home to a banner, a clean house and a cup of tea, put the feet up while the baby slept and mil and sil cleaned up after. We had a chat and a laugh. It depends totally on the person though, I like my family and in laws and I know a lot of people on mn don’t have family they get on with

Mandylovescandy · 16/05/2025 20:13

I didn't mind (though it wasn't the first few days more like two weeks due to distance) people who asked to come over but turning up without an invite is something I generally find rude let alone when someone has just had a baby

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 16/05/2025 20:13

I even put a do not disturb sign on the door and people still knocked.
It'll be earplugs this time around hahaha
(As an aside I highly recommend them for new mums, wore them in hospital after my 2nd and you can still hear your own baby perfectly, just everything else is muffled)

OneKookyPinkShaker · 16/05/2025 20:16

I totally get this. I understand grandparents wanting to meet the baby but I didn't get home till late the night before, my in laws who live a very close walk so could come anytime we're at the door first thing in the morning. I had a bad time, tore badly just wanted to be in my pj's but felt I had to then get dressed. Came down, baby on sleepyhead and them on sofas no one offered me a seat. Then the midwife came didn't offer to stand up so she could sit down. Asking me quite personal questions about stitches, bleeding ect and they just sat there gawping.

I know I should just asked them to move, call back later but I felt very vulnerable and emotional after a difficult birth

SpicyMcSpice · 16/05/2025 20:16

I insisted on being left alone for the first week and I regret it so much.
Not so much with randoms, they can fuck off, but I feel so guilty when it comes to family.

MoreDangerousThanAWomanScorned · 16/05/2025 20:16

I really wanted to see people after I gave birth, both times. I was desperate to show off the babies - I think I'd have happily stood on the street giving an impromptu Ted Talk on the perfect being I had just produced if anyone had let me. HOWEVER, all my guests were invited. So while I wouldn't assume that everyone just wants to be left alone, I do agree that no one should be showing up of their own accord without being asked.

Pancakeflipper · 16/05/2025 20:17

I know on MN there's alot of keeping everyone away after giving birth. But I actually enjoyed having company.

We don't have family living near so it would be a weekend/full day event for visits. MIL was great, she'd come down with bags of food.

DP had to go and work away about 2 weeks after our 1st baby, my SIL came over from abroad and stayed with me for a week. She always made me a healthy breakfast. She did shopping, laundry and anything I wanted !

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 16/05/2025 20:17

YABU because everyone is different. The new mum should communicate what she wants and everyone else should respect her wishes.

MidnightPatrol · 16/05/2025 20:17

I agree.

I sometimes wonder if these guests have forgotten / don’t know what exactly the aftermath of giving birth and having a newborn are like…

Learning to breastfeed doesn’t need an audience. Trying to cope with a recently-stitched up hoo-ha while people make small talk. Argh!

I don’t dislike my family - but I found all the scrutiny and having to make chit-chat while in a really quite vulnerable situation and after a traumatic birth really quite surreal.

SpicyMcSpice · 16/05/2025 20:18

SpicyMcSpice · 16/05/2025 20:16

I insisted on being left alone for the first week and I regret it so much.
Not so much with randoms, they can fuck off, but I feel so guilty when it comes to family.

Although, saying this, wasn’t it the norm for mothers to spend a week in hospital back in the day?! Recovering and having nurses help them? And visiting times kept to a minimum?
Maybe I shouldn’t feel guilty after all.

CurlewKate · 16/05/2025 20:20

People are different. I couldn’t wait to introduce my babies to everyone.

JoyousEagle · 16/05/2025 20:20

ThreeFeetTall · 16/05/2025 20:10

I loved having people round straight away and them cuddling the baby. My sister in law was staying with us the weekend we brought the baby home (he was early). It was lovely

I don’t think OP is suggesting that people who want visitors shouldn’t have them.

JustAnInchident · 16/05/2025 20:20

I think it takes all sorts. It’s somewhat presumptuous to think you speak for all new mums. I loved the first few weeks, everyone bustling round and cooing over baby, starting from the day we got home from hospital. I expect a lot of it depends on the people who’d be doing the visiting and the relationships there.

MyUmberSeal · 16/05/2025 20:20

I absolutely loved having people around. The more the merrier. ‘New born etiquette’, for me, feeds into this very modern day narrative that women have done something monumentally special by giving birth.

If you want some peace and quiet, just tell people that.

Emilysmum90 · 16/05/2025 20:21

Agree with you 100%. I can actually see why people are tempted to just not tell anyone they've had the baby till about a week later.

DH's parents came when DD1 was about 2 days old and because they arrived at lunchtime they expected lunch to be provided. (It was not)

Actually that pissed me off less than the people who asked to come over, you arranged a time, then they'd rock up about 2 hours later than agreed. Obviously assuming it doesn't matter because you're just sat at home all day.

JustAnInchident · 16/05/2025 20:22

Hold fire, I see you’re more talking about unannounced visitors, in which case, yes I agree with you. Not on to just spring yourself onto someone!

Ddakji · 16/05/2025 20:22

You can sometimes see how old fashioned maternity hospitals allowed mothers to rest after giving birth.

mondaytosunday · 16/05/2025 20:23

I’d hope they’d call/text first, but I was totally happy to let a stream of visitors the first couple days. Then we went out to lunch a couple days later. And I’m not social at all!

Snoringdogsfarting · 16/05/2025 20:30

I already had a 2 year old and when I came home after a C-section with our new baby it happened to be my birthday. My DH thought it would be a good idea to organise a surprise birthday party for me to walk in to! 2 year old a nightmare, crying newborn, just had surgery - a house full of guests was just what I wanted !