To think new mums should be given a good weeks breathing space?

[Glowowowowowow]

People have no newborn etiquette. It is appaling. I know someone who left the hospital with her new born, only to have her in-laws visit, sibling pop over, dh's grandparents knock the door. She was telling me she just wanted a nap and a few days of silence and peace. Why do people think this is acceptable? If you are someone who would just knock the door, why? Genuinely trying to understand.

Would you invite yourself around to someone's house when they'd come home from hospital after surgery? Of course the woman who has just given birth gets to decide if she wants visitors!

I'm so annoyed for you.

Anyone you aren't comfortable enough to tell that you were having that sort of problem, should not have been in your home so soon after birth.

People have very few opportunities to cuddle a new born. It’s special and I wanted my dc grandparents to be part of that special time when they have their scrunchie legs up and newborn smell. Imagine having your second dc and expecting grandparents to care for the first while you give birth yet you didn’t let them meet their first grandchild for 2 weeks. I think it’s not normal for people from loving families to shut loved ones out. Obviously if the relationship is toxic, that makes sense.

This. I had quite a lonely 10 days in scbu with my twins and dh at home with dd1. I was very grateful for visitors.

Completely depends. Some women would like this, others will be disappointed/outraged that they had no family support and no visitors because ‘obviously no one cared’. It’s one of those things in life where no one can win.

Simply sending a message saying ‘let me know when you want me to visit with yourself and new arrival’ will cause a woman to:
a) come on Mumsnet in a rage that she is being harassed in time where she should be ‘in a cocoon’, or
b) come on Mumsnet in a rage because (when she didn’t respond to messages and has no visitors) no one cares about her or the new addition.

@HoppingPavlova this in spades! 😆

If invited absolutely wouldn’t have bothered me. However with ds3 who was born then v poorly in nicu the day we got home my now ex awful pushy sister and her kids wanted to come right away because her children had never held a newborn. It had been an awful stressful time, my own older kids hadn’t really coped with their brother being unwell and I wanted them to hold him at home first, but no up she rocked kids in tow don’t think I forgave her for it, or my ex for allowing it. She has zero social skills

They have? Just because it’s common, it doesn’t make it any less miraculous. Also, I don’t think OP is suggesting that anyone who wants visitors should be without them - it’s just about not assuming. If a new mother invites you round straight away, then great. Go and be helpful and supportive. If they don’t, equally fine, but don’t just turn up whenever you see fit and then loll around expecting to be waited on. That’s where the etiquette comes in.

The thing is, “when we get home” is much sooner these days than it used to be. You used to a have a night or two to “recover” (to more of an extent at least) and be supported by the midwives. Now you can be in and out in hours because they need the spaces.

I felt pretty miraculous too @DefinitelyMaybe92 💪

@Scorchio84as you should! ☺️

you're right @DefinitelyMaybe92 but it's such a unique experience, I usually hate getting into these discussions, I was very lucky, it's not always the case so maybe I would have closed the curtains too & ignored the doorbell too had it gone differently?

I LOVED visitors in those first 1-2 weeks, I just wanted to show off my baby.

HOWEVER, other than grandparents, everyone else was on a 30 minute timer. Everyone. And no one got served food, at most DH offered coffee.

I actually preferred not getting too much notice of the visits, newborns are not on a schedule anyway.

My in-laws stayed with us. FiL a week, MiL A MONTH!!. It ended with me in such despair that i contemplated jumping off the balcony, my husband sobbing that his mother had caused his wife such distress and MiL being kicked out. The relationship has never recovered. She'll insist she just wanted me to rest, but she's a baby thief and I'll never forgive her. The indescribable saddness and heartache i felt postpartum when i should have been bonding with my child will sting until my dying breath, and it was caused by someone who claimed to care.

Love it!!! Luckily I've moved since then, it was a bit of a close knit estate where I was before which was lovely in some ways but not when u needed peace and quiet ha!

Some people want people to come over and if they don't they should say. I just said I didn't want any visitors yet and people were fine with it

I think it depends on what sort of person you are, how you’re feeling, what your relationships with people are like and what they’re like as people.

I was very happy to have close friends because we talk about anything and everything, they’re thoughtful and take us how they find us. I needed more time before I had certain people visit because they aren’t thoughtful, would comment on things like if the house was messy, expect to be waited on, had form for saying whatever they felt like without caring if it’s inappropriate etc.

Some women are more private and wouldn’t feel comfortable with anyone seeing them when they’re not feeling their best.

People should communicate what they want and others should listen.

No @Tbrh that's not how it works, god forbi anyone be reasonable 😂

After my first child was born it was like a circus. Was so furious with the In-laws for their shenanigans I cut contact for a few months.

Luckily my second was born in 2021 so legally people couldn't visit us, it was fantastic.

My friend asked for no visitors in hospital as she’d had a really bad birth and was feeling awful. Her in-laws still turned up. Unfortunately some people don’t listen and aren’t fine with it even when they’re clearly asked or told, it’s not always a lack of communication, it’s just that some people are cheeky fuckers snd think they can do what they like regardless.

What, so even grandparents had to wait two weeks to meet new grandchild?

the wide range of experiences.. holy shit!

What a nightmare!!! Was he seriously thinking that’s a good idea for a freshly operated woman and a newborn without immune system???

woulve ripped him a new one.

Think it’s all up to the new mom, whatever she wants goes.

I didn’t want to see any family and was forced to See in laws a week after birth. Hated it and how my wishes were disregarded.

Nobody who went through a major medical procedure such as birth (vaginal or C-section) should be forced to have visitors if they don’t want to. There’s no right to it.

See how you like that?? Jesus