To think new mums should be given a good weeks breathing space?

[Glowowowowowow]

People have no newborn etiquette. It is appaling. I know someone who left the hospital with her new born, only to have her in-laws visit, sibling pop over, dh's grandparents knock the door. She was telling me she just wanted a nap and a few days of silence and peace. Why do people think this is acceptable? If you are someone who would just knock the door, why? Genuinely trying to understand.

Actually I really appreciate you saying that! I got really in my head about whether I was being unreasonable and not wanting to rock the boat. My own mum died about a year and a half ago (and would have been a nightmare in many ways with me having a new baby, though she would at least have supported me breastfeeding).

I think my in laws are lovely people and mean well and are very doting grandparents to my son, but my MIL is convinced breast milk isn't enough for babies after a tiny while. She combi fed and thinks it's the best thing for babies and mums. She loves telling about how my SIL really wanted to breastfeed and her baby had colic but MIL thinks the baby was just hungry and persuaded them to let her give the baby a bottle. Really rubbed me the wrong way because my son gained weight so well and we kept saying how the midwives, GP etc were all really happy with him and said keep doing what we're doing. She has at least stopped after DH spoke to her!

I think she's been a great mum to my DH but there have been times she's prioritised thinking she's right over my feelings, and that we need so much instruction to be able to look after our son. She does bring food every time we see her which is helpful but I'd actually enjoy seeing her more and look forward to her being able to help with him when he's older if I didn't keep getting the sense she doesn't trust us to look after him without her guidance, and like she'd respect when she can see I'm uncomfortable. I've just become more assertive about going to take him back when he needs it, or last visit I asked her to give me a second as I'd gone to another room to feed him without my cover and she came in calling to my son, then came back trying to put his blanket over his legs - on a hot day - so I had him wriggling and my boob out.

It's tricky when it's in laws and you want to be respectful still but you're the parent now! My own mum I could have spoken to much more bluntly.

I think most people agree that choice should be the standard.

However some are arguing that no visitors should be the standard. That is different.

Also, for many, giving birth is not a “medical procedure”.

I was so excited to show off my babies, I would have hated being left alone for a week.

It’s all very specific to your own family I think, I personally enjoyed seeing my parents and in laws meeting the baby because the joy it brings to them is something else.
People really struggle to lay down boundaries with family, but sadly if you don’t want visitors you need to be firm and say no.

but if no visitor is the standard, it means visitors wait to be invited - as informally as that can be. They don't barge in, pester or intrude, or sulk.

That's why it should be standard.

Giving birth is not a minor physical event.

The lucky few who were up and about 2 hours later like nothing happened are the exception. Women still die in childbirth.

I think it's a very individual thing dependent on how parents feel, the mums recovery and relationship with others etc.

I had a straightforward birth and was genuinely delighted to have visitors over and was meeting friends for a coffee after a few days as well as having relatives coming up to visit. I have nice memories of us, my parents and in laws all having champagne when my son was a few days old. Same with when my SIL gave birth, they were asking us to come visit after a few days.

But that is just my situation and I appreciate everyone is different. I wouldn't like there to be a blanket ban on visitors as some people really benefit from them.

Everyone is different. I wanted everyone to come

I’d never expect to see the baby in the first few days. I think a week later is fine for visitors (provided the mum is up for it). I don’t know why people feel they have any right to see another persons baby so quickly.

I think we just need to self advocate. Every mother is different and has different needs. I had a horrific experience with my first birth and could barely speak or function after. I was kept in hospital for 5 days and people visited but I was out of it. I didn’t want anyone near my baby but I didn’t know how to communicate what I needed. Once I got home people came over and I was constantly making tea, trying to adapt to a baby, my husband went AWOL to “work” and I was utterly overwhelmed. I think it was probably my fault for not knowing how to communicate my needs.
When my second child was born (a much easier uncomplicated birth) I was stronger and more able to say what I needed. It helps if our partner can be active too and deal with his family etc.

Every person,situation and relationships are different so it’s ridiculous to suggest a one size fits all as a norm

My in laws were amazing both before and after my births.

See my earlier post it was neighbours knocking unannounced that drove me crazy 😂

With my first baby I did a kind of "open house" for friends and family within the first few days of being home to get them all out the way at the same time instead of having a different visitor every day for however long and dragging it all out.

We do need to self-advocate, but the time to be dealing with over-bearing In-laws and visitors is not straight after birth.

It's easier and more reasonable, and human, to wait for a text, phone call or whatsapp to family saying "we have the baby, can't wait for you to see him/her". It shouldn't even be on the mother to be burden with the need to say "please not now".

We hear about "mental load" a lot, this is the worst possible kind!

Even with a supportive partner, it shouldn't have to be up to the new mum to think about visitors and have to tell her husband:" tell your parents to leave me the fuck alone!"

that's why the CHOICE and leaving the decision to the new mother should be the norm.

I loved having visitors from the moment I gave birth, and I had C-sections. I was so excited and wanted everyone to share in my joy. I hated it when DC were no longer newborns and people stopped visiting so often.

I understand everyone is different and needs vary, but I don't like this, leave new mothers alone for a month and sending a list of what not to do. It's a joyful experience, build and love your village.

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong to this as it depends on the wishes of the new mum. Some absolutely want and need space, but others will want friends and family to meet baby as soon as possible. I know mothers who would have been very offended and hurt if nobody had been excited to come and meet the baby in the first few days. Everybody’s birth and recovery is different so you can’t make assumptions either way. If a new mother isn’t ready for visitors etc then they should absolutely feel able to voice that and to be listened to and shouldn’t be forced into visitors, but it shouldn’t be taken as a given that no mother will want visitors for at least a week.

I’m the same, with our first my pil, picked my mum and they all arrived at the hospital the same time, they stayed for 15 minutes and that was it, both sets of parents wanted to make sure I was ok and have a quick glimpse of their new grandchild.

I would never have deprived them of that even although my epidural still hadn’t worn off and I was shaking with the anaesthetic wearing off.

we actually encouraged most people t9 visit us in the hospital so when we got home we had less visitors!

however I was in for 4 days wih ds and then 3 days wih dd due to them both having to be observed for longer.

I don't agree with you on half of your list but I agree with you that you are allowed and entitled to have opinions on whatever you like 👍 everyone is different!
Edit: on further perusal i agree with more than not haha

I had loads of people popping by, I loved it! I can absolutely understand why others wouldn't tho, especially uninvited.

Me too.

I also loved having people round straight away. DH dropped me at home and rushed off to have his hair cut (pre-booked appointment). When he came back I had a house full, including my DB & SiL who were actually on their way to the hospital, my best friend and our next door neighbours.

It was lovely, the 15 minutes before they arrived were the scariest of my life, just me and a brand new baby!

It totally depends on the individual. I was happy to have visitors immediately as was my DD, some people are not. People are excited to see a new born baby and I think that's nice but here is no one correct way that suits everyone.

I was desperate for company. I’d have invited the postlady in if she’d stood still long enough.

With my first my ex's Mum turned up in the hospital I hadn't even fed my DD was still in the labour room, I was absolutely furious, and I had no breathing space at all. My EX was a dick and wouldn't even ask, just invited people over.

With my DS I kept everyone away for 2 week's and I don't regret it, I'd absolutely do it again. I don't want to have to chit chat when I could be resting.

Me too. Ds arrived 4 weeks early via c section, my parents came to the hospital the first evening. My parents, brother and sil and in laws all visited the first week we were home.

The only thing I made sure of was that we paced the visits out after an accidental back to back visit left me bit overwhelmed and my DH did have to basically tell his parents to leave one night when they weren't getting the polite hints (they'd been over for hours by this point and it was almost 9pm)

I know I was lucky in that I had a straightforward c section and recovery was fine. I was breastfeeding, but was just honest - I'm not going upstairs every time or whatever so if you come and he's hungry, you might get a flash of something while I'm getting the hang of it 🤣 Everyone was fine.

I was excited for them to meet our baby and it was nice keeping up with everyone else's news too. My mum would potter about tidying, god love her, fil helped DH set the pram up and put stuff away etc and my brother and sil would bring us boxes of chocolates and baby clothes.

I was also out and about days after getting home (DS was about a week old, if that) the fresh air and being out in the world really helped.

Barring traumatic births or health issues this thing of no visitors for at least a week and thinking you need to be in a bubble for ages after seems a very MN thing.

I agree with you, OP - because I think what you’re saying is the unannounced visitors who just show up? And I think it’s just bang out of order.

I had a NICU babe and my in laws were on our doorstep when we finally got home (wish we’d not told anyone we were leaving) - I was exhausted and their excuse was well they’ve been alive for 3 weeks we’re not waiting any longer!

I think it’s very individual (clearly, by these responses!) but the new mothers needs trump anybody else’s. I was fine with planned visitors I could prepare for but people just ringing the bell when I was dealing with a newborn shrieking in my ears trying to change my Tena pants was just not okay, and I’d never, ever do it to somebody else either!! It’s lovely having family and friends visit, yes you need support / help, yes you need to speak to other grown ups! But those who just knocked on the window waving asking to come in while I had a newborn on one tit and my pump on the other and could barely get off the sofa have cemented themselves in the bad place for me!!!