To think new mums should be given a good weeks breathing space?

[Glowowowowowow]

People have no newborn etiquette. It is appaling. I know someone who left the hospital with her new born, only to have her in-laws visit, sibling pop over, dh's grandparents knock the door. She was telling me she just wanted a nap and a few days of silence and peace. Why do people think this is acceptable? If you are someone who would just knock the door, why? Genuinely trying to understand.

Each to their pwn, I loved people visiting to see my new babies.

I didn’t want to see anybody for about 18 months after having mine. Still don’t!

I have very mixed feeling on this to be honest. I think women should be free to make their preferences known and friends/family should be respectful of those preferences.

I spent 75% of my pregnancy completely alone 🫠 Husband was stuck abroad as an “essential worker” due to Covid restrictions, none of our family would come near me at all because I was pregnant and they were worried about passing anything on to me, and I had no local friends. Even when I had a few really tough stages medically during pregnancy, our family wouldn’t come near or offer me any physical help (literally wouldn’t even drop off any shopping/medications while they passed my house) 🫠
But my parents, sister and in-laws all turned up unannounced to visit baby within 6 hours of us arriving home from hospital the day he was born and expected to be allowed to stay and cuddle him for as long as they wanted.

I’m still quite hurt by it to be honest given how much I was left to struggle in a pretty shitty situation.

When my DD was born 4 months ago we told family and friends that we wanted 2 weeks before having visitors so that we could adjust and bond as a new family. The entirety of my partners paternity leave we kept it just us 3 and it was the best decision we made. We were able to settle in and adapt and enjoy our new baby without having to share her and I was able to rest and recover and get to grips with breastfeeding.

If that's what a new mum wants , then yes of course.
Not everyone is the same though and some mums ( such as myself) wanted visitors early on and to get out and about . I found it really irritating that I was just expected to be at home for the midwife's arrival , and I hadn't been given a time🤣.

Surely it’s just about the new mum being clear what she wants, and people respecting that. Everyone wants different things.

I’m a massive introvert, but I would have been heartbroken if people hadn’t come to see the new baby. The day we got home we had the in-laws round, my sister, DH’s brother and nephews. The following day I took DS out to see a bunch of friends (a regular meet up).

It was exciting and scary and I really appreciated being around all these people who loved us.

It depends on the person & the visitors.

Unannounced/unexpected visitors- YANBU, there’s absolutely no need for it and when people did it to me I had no issues simply not answering the door.

But I loved and really desperately wanted & needed my family around me in those early days. My parents visited to help look after me and my husband so we could focus on looking after our baby and that made a huge difference to our postpartum experience, I really appreciated some of our best friends rallying round us during that time and their visits helped keep me sane and reminded me there was a world outside of our little bubble of exhaustion, sleep deprivation and bleeding etc.

I suppose my stance is that we should just be listening to what mum/parents say they are okay with. Nobody should be turning up uninvited or having been expressly told not to, but those who want to be there & who mum wants there absolutely should be.

I think the thing is with the older generation (which includes me at 68) we stayed in hospital after the birth. We weren't pushed straight out the door with a new born. In my case I spent a week there with fairly strict visiting times. Although not sure if that applied to everyone, but I think it did.

It's not unreasonable to want a few days rest before having visitors if that's what you need. But everyone's different. I had my parents and sister and in laws visit in the first few days, it was lovely to see the new grandparents meeting their new grandchild and having a cuddle. They made food and drinks and didn't mind if I disappeared upstairs for a rest. They're family and I loved having them around to share in the joy.

I do sometimes think that, by nature of it being an online forum, there are a higher percentage of people on MN who would rather just be left alone.

IRL I don’t meet so many people who want a month alone, wouldn’t answer the door, don’t like people popping around, won’t let people hold their baby, hate their MIL etc.

Boundaries! If the new mother/parents don’t want visitors, they need to be very clear about it. If someone is rude enough to turn up after being told they are not welcome, then the new parents should simply say we’re not ready for visitors yet.

I had a friend visit me in hospital, my Mum & Dad were staying with me, and my sisters came to visit and stay within the first few weeks of the birth. All were welcome and discussed prior.

I wanted visited from day one, I asked a friend to visit 3 hours after dd was born and loved visitors and attention. We are all different

I loved showing my new baby off. We had a mad couple of days where parents, and siblings visited , then we had a week or so to ourselves,

we couldn’t deprive our parents from meeting their new grandchild, a first grandson in both sides,

we did stipulate that people should text and not just arrive at the door as we wouldn’t be answering the door unless it was a planned visit.

Showing up unnanounced is rude in almost all situations.

Beyond that I think your statement is too broad and the problem is as much about new parents communicating and setting reasonable boundaries as anything. I had/have no interest in all our loved ones deciding on their own to stay away, but I also really struggle to imagine not being able to say "we can't manage visitors today, how about tomorrow?", feeling any pressure to feed/fetch tea or not being able to kindly say "I hate to kick you out, but I'm going to so we can try for some sleep" to anyone who felt comfortable asking/inviting themselves to visit. I know everyone is different but I can't relate to isolation seeming more appealing/easier than doing that and I don't want everyone to default to staying away from new parents to avoid putting anyone in the position to maybe say no. Too many people struggle with building and maintaining a helpful, reliable community around their families and I think that approach is just going to lean into that.

It's weird as I loved having visitors too but obviously not to stay.
I think the idea of the mum / baby bubble is actually quite dangerous and having people around helps you overcome the hormonal funk that post-partum is.

But if your visitors are inconsiderate and overwhelming, popping over alunannounced amd overstaying their welcome, then that's clearly not on.

my mum came round every day for the first week after I came home from hospital and it was lovely to have her there. Unfortunately she couldn’t stay because we had moved house when I was six months pregnant and the house was like a building site. The only finished rooms were our bedroom, the baby’s bedroom, kitchen, and bathroom so unfortunately it wasn’t possible for my mum to stay with us. Several neighbours and friends came to visit int he first couple of weeks, and my mother in law, and I was very happy to see everyone. I don’t understand why some people are so reluctant to have visitors with a new baby.

My ex in laws were sat outside in their car waiting when we got home from the hospital, despite the fact they had met DS the day before at the hospital my my dick ex told them to come and visit without informing me. They then proceeded to turn up every day for a week and spend most of the day sat on my sofa expecting to be made tea and hold DS all the time. I snapped eventually and I can honestly say I had no idea how nasty I could be until that moment. Unfortunately she had the skin of a rhino and he was under the thumb so it didn’t have as much impact as o wanted.

I wanted people around i didn't feel the need to hide away but it feels like the world is going to 'i have a baby now your feelings are only dictated by what I say goes now'

Nope, I loved having people round. But none of my family would be rude enough to turn up unannounced anyway.

I just straight up told people no. And if they knocked on the door got my husband to tell them they couldn't come in.
Absolutey no time for that crap.
If they want to get the huff so be it. I gave not one shit.

I'm lucky in that my parents came to stay nearby in a airbnb for a month each time with my first two and so I went to see them when I was ready to. And that was about a week after the births.
My third sadly my dad had died so it was just my mum but she was abroad at the time.
The only person who was a bit pushy was actually our babysitter when I'd had my third!! She popped round a few days after she was born.. "Oh I just thought I'd stop by" my husband dealt with it.
She didn't get the huff. Or at least not that I'm aware of!!
My first and third labours were horrific and I was very ill. I certainly did not want any visitors for weeks.
My DHs family are quite distant with the kids so they did not try and visit at all which was fine by me!!
I took the kids to them a few months in.

And all my friends knew I wouldn't want to be visited days after giving birth so none of them did that.

Really it's best to wait a couple of weeks before even suggesting coming to see a newborn. Unless you are really close with the mum and know for an absolute fact that she would like you to visit earlier than that.

I so desperately wanted to show of my babies. I loved having visitors. We went to a Christmas lunch with a 5 day old. It was wonderful.
I hate the no visitors. Call be for you come don't ask to hold the baby nonsense rules.

Agree completely. Caused a massive row with my ex when his mum wanted to come round at 9pm as soon as I’d got back from a three day hospital stay. I didn’t need her visiting at that time, I didn’t need a row with him. It was awful.

It does depend on the person, some people can’t wait to have people round to visit or help out but personally I would never expect it or just turn up. I’ve messaged friends saying congratulations let me know when you feel up for a visit. And leave the ball in their court.

Unlike my neighbour who turned up while I was attached to the breast pump…

This is so sensible for infection risk for the baby too.

I don't think it's modern. My great granny would never visit newborns, never hold or kiss them - it was too much of an infection risk. And no visitors etc until baby was bigger was normal in the early 1900s to cut down on illness and infection risks.

I think the visiting thing of vulnerable newborn babies is actually pretty modern

But I think in the days after a new baby is born… yes only the parents of the babies views really matter - and in particular the mum, who has been through a huge medical event.

If someone had any other kind of major medical intervention with hospital stay, everyone wouldn’t be tutting about them needing time to recuperate.