To think new mums should be given a good weeks breathing space?

[Glowowowowowow]

People have no newborn etiquette. It is appaling. I know someone who left the hospital with her new born, only to have her in-laws visit, sibling pop over, dh's grandparents knock the door. She was telling me she just wanted a nap and a few days of silence and peace. Why do people think this is acceptable? If you are someone who would just knock the door, why? Genuinely trying to understand.

Just such personal choice

Yes that's true, I guess if people are just going to turn up there's not much you can do except not answer the door. I do feel it's a bit selfish to not let the grandparents see the baby though. People may have been slightly more accepting in my case as it was peak covid and RSV times so people were quite considerate

My MIL stayed for the first week post c section and she was a godsend. Not only did she get to see her new grandson and spend plenty of time with him, she was beyond helpful with our toddler, and honestly is just a wonderful presence to be around. It was entirely my choice to have her with us though, maybe that’s the difference vs visitors descending.

Threads like this are always covert in-law bash fests!🤣

Completely depends on who it is. It is up to the mother and people should respect her wishes.

I'm always amazed that people find it acceptable to allow one set of grandparents and not the other

It depends on what the grandparents are like. Some people who have been arses in the past, don’t suddenly become people you want around just because you’ve birthed their grandchild. It’s also not unreasonable to think that a woman will feel more comfortable in front of her own mother and father than their partners mother and father, in the early days of breastfeeding and post birth, when possibly not looking and feeling their best etc.

I‘m always amazed that some people can’t understand nuances and fail to realize that relationships and emotions around them differ. One set of grandparents can be great while one set isn’t.

Being family doesn’t mean you all get along or that you need to see them when they’ve been unkind or unhelpful in the past. And seeing a newborn grandchild is not a right but a privilege - it’s not a timeshare apartment in Spain where everyone has the right to claim certain time slots.

OMG that sounds so awful for you. Do you still see your MIL or have you stopped/reduced contact?

I'm old. We still had remnants of the 'lying-in' period when my kids were born. It was great. Perhaps contributed to less ppd.

YANBU because your example is people ignoring or not asking about the new mum's wishes. And because I think it also depends what people are doing when they visit.

I didn't know how I'd feel until I gave birth and ended up wanting as much space as possible. I found it helpful to have in laws visit at the hospital during visiting hours and that I went to a birth centre for aftercare so didn't end up coming home until day 5 (inc the day I gave birth).

Essentially anyone prioritising their own desire to hold/play with the baby above what the new mum or baby needs isn't great. Best visitors for us brought food or helped to make it, gave the baby back as soon as he was hungry or asked if I wanted him back (didn't take him out my arms either), didn't stay long in the early days or let me go and nap. I was grateful though for everyone excited to meet him, especially my side who had to travel 2-3 hours to visit us.

That's awful 😞 it's so hard isn't it, I found after having mine (first baby) it took me a while to work up to being more assertive. My in laws are lovely but it made me very anxious when we'd see them probably during the first month of his life, MIL would automatically take him, be reluctant to give him back when he showed signs of hunger, so much unsolicited advice or assuming we didn't know quite basic things about babies (she'd mishear things I said and thought I didn't know not to put baby face down or that I should breastfeed from both sides).

Also the repeated trying to get us to give him formula. She'll still point out anything going on with him when she sees him - he has cradle cap, he has a bogey in his nose etc. Makes me try and address anything I can before each visit. I know it's her way of wanting to feel helpful and I'm probably being sensitive but it knocks my confidence and I feel like I have to reassure her that we're looking after him.

We had a huge argument/ fall out a few months back when i stood up from the table to get a tea towel and she practically jumped into my skin to take my seat and take over spoon feeding the baby, huge blow up ensued and she stormed out saying she wasnt staying were she wasn't welcome, to which I said 'good, bye'.
Since then we don't avoid each other but we don't have any communication if we end up in the same place. I would love NC but my daughter has a right to know her grandmother who despite how I feel, does genuinely love & care for her. Also, it'd be hard for my husband if we actually attached the 'no contact' label. So we just chug along smiling when we have to.

Only really in the '60's to 80's. Before that most women gave birth at home and got up when they felt ready, that is earlier for some than others. Personally I was up and dressed with 6 hours of giving birth on both occasions. I had no need or desire to spend days in bed/ in my night clothes. But I was young(ish) and had v. straight forward births. Everyone is different.

it's usually the in-laws the problem, that's why.

I rarely hear (or ever!) of work colleagues and boss, or even neighbours, randomly popping by the day a woman gives birth.

If these in-laws from hell were as considerate with their DIL as they are with other people, it would be a non-issue.

when one set is made of the mum and dad of the woman who just gave birth, it's very disingenuous to pretend not to see why.

Your own parents visiting you when you are vulnerable and often after medical procedures is a complete different scenario as some people who are pretty much strangers. They might be related to your husband but he's not the one giving birth, and they are not related to you

It would have been possible to say that without the dismissive tone and words like ‘nonsense’, though. You made your disdain for preferences on this that aren’t yours very clear.

Yes it's so hard I have no problem being assertive with my parents but my relationship with the in laws has just always been more formal

I had the same issues with feeding I'd say I think he is hungry and it would be 'he can't be hungry again' and she would walk away with him crying. I wish I could go back in time and be more assertive.

I also got lots of unsolicited but incorrect advice such using cot bumpers, giving honey on broccoli when weaning but when I would say no we wouldn't be doing that she would roll her eyes as if I was an idiot

I voted yabu but that’s only because I wanted the total opposite of what you’ve described! Some will want those people around them and others won’t.

When I was in hospital having just given birth I had my parents visit, then my sister and BIL, then my inlaws inc sil and her husband, then they all did a repeat! And that’s what I wanted.

When I brought him home from hospital the following evening my in laws, sil and niece were already at my home - as I wanted! For a good two weeks after it was a constant stream of visitors and that’s what we wanted! For me personally I didn’t want an insular experience, neither of our families or friends for that matter are like that.

I do think however, that if a couple requests peace and to be left alone then that is what they should be given!

Oh dear me. Maybe relax. Have a cup of tea.

I do think insisting not seeing families with newborns as standard as nonsense. It's not high on my list of nonsense but it's on there. Other items include the royal family, gender reveal parties, chips and gravy as a meal, self serve checkouts. Oh pregnancy announcements with twee date cards. Matching family Christmas PJs. Nonsense.

Do I share my opinion without being asked? No
I was asked.

This. ^ If some women are/were happy to have oodles of visitors straight after they had their baby, then good for them... But the way some posters (who wanted people to see their baby as soon as they popped out of them,) are shitting all over the women who didn't want visitors for a week or so, and mocking and deriding them is disgusting. Just stop it. You don't get to tell people that they're wrong because they don't think like you.

And yeah, you ARE saying they're 'wrong,' even if you're trying to paint it as an 'opinion.' 🙄

You say that your in laws are lovely but none of the behaviour that you have described makes them sound lovely at all. It's always from a selfish perspective when MILs try and force their DILs to give the baby formula so that they can feed the baby themselves. Anything that makes the breastfeeding journey more difficult and stressful is not what a kind MIL would do.

You don't sound particularly sensitive, you actually sound a lot more tolerant than most people would be. Her behaviour is poor, yours isn't.

I do think insisting not seeing families with newborns as standard as nonsense

why? Surely giving the mother the CHOICE as standard is perfectly reasonable.

How can giving anyone privacy after medical procedure of any kind be nonsense?

People really do have awful relatives. I'm grateful for mine who live abroad and when they see them, don't interfere.

I actually asked for visitors after mine and was pretty annoyed when everyone stayed away saying "we just wanted to give you space". I was desperate to share the experience.

Yes. A couple of generations ago the mum would have recovered in hospital and established feeding (either way) in a week in hospital. The worst of the pain would have been under control too. Baby taken to nursery at might so the mum could sleep.

These days they're chucked out after 24hrs with paracetamol and voltarol if they're lucky. Although I did somehow get morphine too, I did moan a lot to get that 😳. I had zero desire to be visited or chat. Pity my family and ex's family didn't think about that.