to feel annoyed about the phone situation?

[TheInternetNeverForgets]

My eldest daughter is 11.

She is without phone. She is literally the only girl in her class without one (fairly small school). She does have a smartwatch which she can use to message her close pals (although it doesn't use WhatsApp, just texts, so she’s not part of class WhatsApp or Snapchat etc) and that I can use to contact her when she’s out and about. She has no need for a phone. She hasn’t really asked for one up until now.

I really don’t agree with the use of smart phones for kids of that age. I don’t believe they are old/responsible enough to handle the issues that being constantly accessible and visible to their school friends can bring. There is no let up from any bullying or friendship issues. The scope for nasty behaviour is massive. There are so, so many reasons I am against this. I’m trying to protect her from it I guess.

Anyway. It’s becoming increasingly obvious that she’s being left out due to lack of phone. There’s a lot of in jokes she doesnt get. A lot of chat she misses out on. Class meet ups (although her friends mum is quite good at texting me to ensure she’s included, but not all the time). The pressure to cave and let her have a phone is increasing. I don’t want her to be a pariah. I want her to fit in with her peers.

So what choice do I have? And yet, I don’t believe that I am wrong in my views about phones for kids.

I should add that I was trying hard to hold out until secondary school. Ideally it would be 16 but appreciate that’s not realistic. But now I’m not convinced we’ll make it to 13.

You accept you live in 2025, you give her a phone, help her navigate any social issues that come up and you learn how to supervise her using it and how to check her phone.

You parent. It's part of being a parent in 2025.

Good for you. No child should be on Snapchat. Utterly ridiculous.
My daughter uses my WhatsApp (on my phone and on desktop) so she can chat to friends, could she join the group with your number? I can then see everything if necessary so she's not left out but doesn’t need her own phone/WhatsApp (she's 12). She will never have SnapChat or TikTok until she pays her own phone bill!

first post nails it

No point in being annoyed.

Either stick with your decision or compromise and supervise her very closely.

She'll be reminding you in 20 years time that she was the last in her class to get a phone.

It’s not her I don’t trust. Three girls made nasty videos about another wee girl and posted them in the class WhatsApp group the other week, I heard. I don’t want to have to “parent her through” that. I simply don’t want her subjected to that.

Get her a phone the poor girl. And just be a parent. I feel so sorry for kids like this.

you'd be really putting her at a disadvantage if she didn’t have one for secondary school. You can lock down apps etc but you want her to be part of the school community not the weird outsider

( id love a no phone life but it is what it is!)

But this is exactly what fucks me off about it. We’re in this shitty and inappropriate situation but we just have to do it anyway. It’s crap.

In 20 years time she will understand that phones for 11 year olds are ridiculous and unnecessary and that the research overwhelmingly show how terrible they are for developing brains

I agree with your approach, people don't seem to realize how damaging these phones can be. It would be far more preferable for none of the children to have them at such a young age. There's always reasons given, but few of them are actually necessary. I'm clearly not in line with other's thinking, but I strongly believe you are protecting her more by not giving her one just yet. Sometimes it's hard to be the one not following the crowd though.

Those girls can make videos anyway. They can bully her and make fun of her anyway.

Your child being left out of birthday parties and group messages will not prevent that.

Dealing with social media is a life skill.

Being tech savvy is a requirement to being a parent.

No good parent likes it either. I hate it. Most parents have nightmares about it. We are all going through the same emotions, honestly. And I agree with you in principle. But the reality is that you are punishing your own daughter in this.

Helping my ASD dd assimilate was my biggest priority. That meant allowing apps I might not otherwise have allowed. The key is to supervise and help navigate it properly.

we set rules like she would never lose phone privileges for reporting problems to me. So despite the fact I might be horrified at something someone else did, I would not take away her access because someone else misbehaved. That created a forum for open communication. She felt free to bring me anything and everything that made her the slightest bit uncomfortable.

For my daughter we got her and old iPhone (I have a newer one) and I’ve locked it down significantly. She can text/call/facetime on it and has a fair bit of music but I have time limits on the apps she has and any app she wants to download has to be approved. The web browser / youtube etc doesn’t work for other than on the house WiFi and I have child filters on that.

I have let her have WhatsApp but no other social media. She has a handful of games etc. I think you can find a middle ground where she “has” a phone but it’s still well controlled and as safe as possible.

I’m allowed to check her messages and even though most of it is silly rubbish I never comment on that and she’s been really open with it. Always charged downstairs and turns off between 7-7.

It appears she does have a need for a phone

I hear you OP dd is only 9 and can't wait for a phone but I dread it.

All well and good saying to parent and teach... but honestly there should be no need to teach kids how to navigate 24/7 bullying, and being exposed to content that you, as a parent have no control over.
Kids are extremely tech savvy and they will find a way round to do what they want to do. You could also have a kid who does everything right and plays by the rules but they have no control over what another kid sends them.

I don't blame you wanting to hold off as long as you can....

People making out that OP is some how doing something wrong in protecting their kid are just because the trend to give phones is getting younger and younger.
I mean would you let an 8 year old have a phone.... where do you draw the line?

I hear you OP. I absolutely hate it. We try to make Mondays 'device free days' where they don't have them but that doesn't really work for when the 13 year olds needs to take it to school for school stuff. I really wish they would just stick with handing out the information in books or getting the children to write in their book/organiser. I seemed to manage to do that when I was at high school !

The 11 year old has just got a phone as he will be at high school in September, they just become obsessed. It's horrid.

I think you are absolutely doing the right thing op. Friends in their early 20s who grew up with social media are the biggest advocates for not giving children smartphones, they can see the damage it does.
Hold the line!

I'm completely with you, but I appreciate how difficult it must be. I think there must be a way to find compromise. Someone above suggested using your number. Alternatively, could you get an old phone with nothing but WhatsApp and let her have limited access to it (a couple of twenty minute sessions a day, for example) so she can catch up on messages but nothing else? I'd be so frustrated in your position. As a previous poster said, we know now that phones damage children. You're ahead of her classmates' parents, and right, but that puts you in a difficult position.

Just get a phone but install heavy parental controls - or better still, you keep the phone but say she can ask for it each day for 10 mins after dinner (or at a time you can supervise) to just be able to participate in chat, be able to invited to things and be in on the jokes. Surely with you over her shoulder she can't come to much harm in 10-15 minutes.

Its possible to help kids be able to participate without completely giving in.

I'd even let her tell friends she has a phone she's just not allowed to take it out as don't want to lose it. Then don't even let her have the Passcode for the phone just say she can only have it when she asks you.

Trust me she'll be happy to comply with this if it means she gets access to a phone.

My all means get her a phone, but put Family Link on it and make sure the usage is set to a minimum. You can set apps that they can access all the time, block certain apps etc...

Parents who allow their children unrestricted time on phones are irresponsible and exceptionally naive if they can't see the issue with this.

Lots of secondary schools are now banning smart phones completely.

As someone who works on the pastoral side of Y7 then the amount of nasty stuff that goes on with phones is horrific. Not to mention the parents who come in insisting that it had nothing to do with their sweet little child and are rather shocked when they get shown the evidence.

AloeVera889 · Today 18:16

You accept you live in 2025, you give her a phone, help her navigate any social issues that come up and you learn how to supervise her using it and how to check her phone.
You parent. It's part of being a parent in 2025.
I disagree, I say you parent by saying ‘my rule is secondary’. That’s what we’ve done, it’s bloody hard but parenting is insanely difficult on a good day anyway 😅

edited to add son has iPad but isn’t allowed on social media yet (learned from next son up who we saw the craziness of Snapchat at aged 13 when the school had to get involved because of bullying in their class, the school advised that they weren’t fan of kids being let loose in the Wild West)

Actively choosing not to give your child a device which can access the internet and all its dark corners IS parenting.