to feel annoyed about the phone situation?

[TheInternetNeverForgets]

My eldest daughter is 11.

She is without phone. She is literally the only girl in her class without one (fairly small school). She does have a smartwatch which she can use to message her close pals (although it doesn't use WhatsApp, just texts, so she’s not part of class WhatsApp or Snapchat etc) and that I can use to contact her when she’s out and about. She has no need for a phone. She hasn’t really asked for one up until now.

I really don’t agree with the use of smart phones for kids of that age. I don’t believe they are old/responsible enough to handle the issues that being constantly accessible and visible to their school friends can bring. There is no let up from any bullying or friendship issues. The scope for nasty behaviour is massive. There are so, so many reasons I am against this. I’m trying to protect her from it I guess.

Anyway. It’s becoming increasingly obvious that she’s being left out due to lack of phone. There’s a lot of in jokes she doesnt get. A lot of chat she misses out on. Class meet ups (although her friends mum is quite good at texting me to ensure she’s included, but not all the time). The pressure to cave and let her have a phone is increasing. I don’t want her to be a pariah. I want her to fit in with her peers.

So what choice do I have? And yet, I don’t believe that I am wrong in my views about phones for kids.

Op, DD is 11 and doesn't have a phone either and she will not until at least 16. I work in serious and organised crime and there is just no way. This is parenting. The same parents who won't let their kids go to the park on their own give them a device where they can go literally anywhere.

Beheadings, violent porn, sexual exploitation. Have you heard of Com networks? You can look that one up. Everyone thinks they are supervising their kids properly. They are not. Laura Bates has a new book out this week on AI (she was on woman's hour this week too). Read it and feel fortified.

I second smartphone free childhood. I'm not anti tech. Tech can be wonderful, transformative. 11 year olds are not mature enough to navigate it.

Why do people associate giving kids a smart phone with giving them access to WhatsApp and Snapchat? It is perfectly possible to give them a smart phone and have them use it responsibly if you do the proper research as a parent. DD got a phone just after Easter of Y6. It had text messaging for communicating with friends (and calls obvs), WhatsApp Snapchat, YouTube, Facebook, twitter, Instagram were all blocked and couldn't be downloaded without her entering a code from my phone. She was able to start start using the internet for research on random stuff she was interested in and keep in touch with her best friend from primary and make new ones at secondary. Basically build some independence whilst I was still able to guide and influence (as a pp said It gets difficult the older they are). She didn't feel like she was being left out and nor did she have 'cause' to rebel against her social life being restricted. It doesn't have to be a free for all.

Obviously I don't think my rules are foolproof, I regularly check her phone and we have had the odd chat about safe use and being kind but that's a pretty run of the mill parenting about being aware of your surroundings and the being kind chat was actually another child saying something to her (which could easily have been said in person at school tbh).

Because the OP was talking about WhatsApp specifically?

The thing is, she will be exposed to it anyway and you'll not have a clue. She's round at a friends house, you can't control what she sees on her friend's phone. She'll only know not to tell you about it or ask advice in case you forbid her from going round to her friends house.

There is no need for your DC to be online and available all the time. You learn how to set limits - DD13's phone is blocked 7pm-7am, her choice, I offered to extend it to 8pm-7am when she turned 13 and she refused. You talk the limits through with her and explain why they're on. Decide which apps she's allowed. Don't let her have it in the bedroom.

Much easier to sort out teething issues with phone use when she's at primary and you know most of the parents than when she's at secondary and you don't know any of them.

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2025/may/07/the-crux-of-all-evil-what-happened-to-the-first-city-that-tried-to-ban-smartphones-for-under-14s

The high-ups at Facebook TwiX, YouTube don’t let their kids have social media. Hold out. Whole towns have done it.

If more of the parents who “hate it” actually stood their ground and stopped their kid from having a phone then fewer kids would have one and wouldn’t feel left out.

Our borough has banned smart phones in most schools starting from September 2025. Maybe that will help our cause.

I held on as long as I could with giving a phone (emd of year 6) and then wouldn't let them.download Snapchat etc until they reached the age limit.

I wish no kids had smart phones but the reality is they do get left out without one. Why parents give them from the age of 7 is betyond me, maybe it's a status symbol I dont know. You have to just set really firm boundaries.

Dsd was given a smartphone at age 7. It wasn’t locked down, we had to do all that stuff as her mum and grandparents didn’t think it necessary. She’s 16 now, always had free rein, started to refuse to stay at ours anymore when we said no phone overnight when she was 12.

I would hold strong until 13 at least. The research is clear. It’s harmful to give young kids phones.

OP you are completely in the right -it’s wrong to say good parenting is accepting your young child will be exposed (and they really will, whatever naive parents try to tell themselves) to graphic porn, beheadings, animal mutilation and online bullying because ‘you live in 2025.’ Some of us want better for our kids -we want them to have the chance to develop their creativity, hobbies, relationships, education and ability to focus without the addictive nature of smartphones. The tech bros don’t give their own children smartphones because they know the damage they do. I suspect many parents give their kids screens because they themselves are addicted to their own devices and can’t be bothered with the battle. I agree with the previous posters who said check out smartphone free childhood -the idea being that if more parents choose not to give smartphones to their children, the more it becomes the norm. I’d also recommend checking out Jonathan Haidt’s book/podcasts. Stay strong -you’re doing the right thing for your child!

My kids aren’t getting a smartphone until they’re 14. They know this. They can contact friends via my phone. Eldest is 12 and is fine with this, the novelty wore off for the others pretty quickly and he’s glad of the mental headspace. I suspect the in jokes will stop soon so I’d give it a bit more time TBH.

No you’re being a good parent to her phones are bad for kids and they shouldn’t have one

It is all a bit shit at the moment isn’t it? Give them a phone and then open up the world of social media that you can’t then take back. Even being ‘just’ on WhatsApp can end up with exposure to god knows what or allow bullies constant access to your child.

Don’t give them a phone and they are the weird kid without a phone who misses out on all the chat and social stuff.

Ideally you have a circle of parents who are united on the no smartphone front. I know some friends of mine have been talking about this: https://smartphonefreechildhood.co.uk/

With all the stuff around banning them in schools, I wonder what this will all look like in 5 years or so.

Stick to your excellent principles on this one. We will look back in horror at the unregulated access we permitted our children to have to smartphones.

Our school is about to bring in a total ban on smart phones being on school grounds due to their research into the detriment on young people. I can’t wait.

It is tough when you feel like you’re swimming against the tide, but there are thousands of parents who feel like you do!

I would let her join the WhatsApp group with your number if you feel she'd genuinely missing out on social interaction. I can see how that happens. Then you can read all messages before they get to her or you can read them together.

The more parents who don't allow smarthones, the better.

DS is in year 7 and we only allow him a brick phone. His school (state secondary) has a no phones policy and the head says it's never much of a problem in school.

It's not been a problem so far, apart from DS wanting one to play games on. Hoping to keep it this way until 16, although 14 might be more realistic.

I don't agree with just parent them and let them have a smart phone, in my line of work the things I see are horrific. MN parents don't let their 13 year olds stay at home alone but give them a smartphone, I have to have mandated clinical supervision because of the things I see and so many of them involve young girls.
Stay firm OP. A brick phone might be a compromise for secondary school.

We just bought our daughter a hot pink flip phone for her 10th birthday. So cute, really retro 🤣 And no internet!

Nope, her missing out on the WhatsApp chat etc is no bad thing.

It's a shame that all the other parents are useless and it makes your daughter the odd one out. I worry about this myself for the future. It's so sad parents would give such young children smart phones knowing the huge damage they do.

Honestly, as someone who has taught in secondary school and seen the utter shit that children are subjected to because of phones I would hold the line. So many people worry about their children being left out but they don’t worry about what is being let in. Those saying you monitor it properly, your child can’t unsee things they are sent, when you’ve dealt with 11 year old girls absolutely traumatised after seeing violent porn sent on a class WhatsApp you would never let your child have one either

Yes thank you to the last few posters. This is the most frustrating thing. I KNOW I’m right about this. I know I am. And yet the pressure to give in and do the wrong thing by her is insane.

So many people worry about their children being left out but they don’t worry about what is being let in.

@Minimalistmamaoftwo powerful words there. Hope it gives some people pause for thought!

OP, I can relate. My 11.5 year old daughter was in the back of a car today on her way to a friend’s birthday party (she didn’t take a phone) and saw an upsetting video on her friend’s phone (who was watching YouTube shorts). The video was about a girl who was bullied and it was a ‘before, during and after’ video. Apparently the ‘after’ was a grave. Luckily nothing was said about ‘how’ the child died.

My daughter was the last of her friends to have a phone (we gave her an old iPhone in Feb), and she doesn’t have a SIM card, so can only message her friends at home and only gets 30 mins a day. She’s been really mature about it all and we’re very honest about the situation and why we’re not opening the floodgates on the internet, apps etc.

I get that we’re in 2025 and we as parents have to accept the fact that phones and the internet are here to stay, but like many posters, I dearly wish we could do more against the tidal wave of pressure.

As a former secondary teacher (I recently left after 15 years) and now in the world of digital marketing, I know more than most about the addictive nature of algorithms, and I’m doing my utmost to help my daughter moderate her phone/screen usage, but it’s hard as I feel like such a hypocrite! I’m addicted to mine too!

Ridiculous comment.
Be a parent and keep your child and their mental health safe by not giving them a phone.