DH refusing to help

[ForCheekyOchreLeader]

My best friend is going through a very difficult divorce and has asked me to provide some emotional and practical support. Her husband walked out on her and the kids, and she is struggling in almost very aspect of her life.

I have asked DH to pick up more of the household chores to allow me to help my friend but he has refused because work is too intense and he doesn't want to disturb his routine.

Despite my best efforts, he has never gotten on well with my friend but I was shocked at his response. Should I expect more from him?

Depends what you expect from him and whether it’s doable for him without impacting on his job.

for example I wouldn’t ask my dh to leave work early to pick up our kids (if I usually did it) so that I could go sit with my friend. But going to see your friend of an evening or two or weekend when he’s home is fine.

What are you asking him to do? I’d expect him to pull his weight

YANBU. He wouldn’t be helping your friend, he’d be helping you.

I’m guessing you do a lot for him? I’d be dialling that right back. What is the housework split?

He’s a shitty husband who does not understand the meaning of partnership.

It depends on what you are asking him to do and (sorry) if you are also have a job.

If I didn't like a friend of DH's, and DH was asking me to take on more of the load to let him go and run around for his friend, I would not be impressed.

As a pp said I wouldn’t ask dh to leave his work early to eg pick the dc up from school but I would expect that once he was home he would pick up what needed doing (sort dinner, bath kids and oversee homework or whatever ) in order to free me up so I could support my friend.
I would offer to take her kids for a bit, have them at mine to give her some headspace or time to just sit and cry for a bit without the pressure of holding it all together in front of them and dh wouldn’t mind having extra kids about.
A similar thing happened to a couple we were both close to. we each took over when the other needed to prioritise the friend for a bit and there was no issue, we were just doing what we could for each other and for our friends who were going through a really shit time.

Can you give examples of what she wants you to do and what you want him to do to enable it? What’s the time frame?

Can household chores not be sidelined for a day or so? I wouldn’t be able to just drop work so DH could go and sit with a friend; but I also wouldn’t be bothered about a bit of washing up building up or needing to catch up on laundry together later in the week so he could go and I could get on with work which needed to be done.

Just how much slack are you asking him to pick up? Is he the kind of spouse who would immediately step up if you were sick or if you had a family member with an emergency?

if he is generally a good partner in these things, then I think it’s fair for him to say that this particular request is too much.

I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit.

The household split in probably 70:30 me but im a stay at home parent whilst he works a fairly stressful job.

unreasonable point 1
not unreasonable point 2

There are so many variables and so much information missing from your OP. Do you have kids? Do you work? How much time per week will this be?
Why doesn't he like her?

If, for example, she wants you to have 3 young kids multiple hours every week in the evenings, then frankly fuck off. If you just want him to wash up a couple more evenings so you can take some dinner round to your friend, yes he should do that.

*I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit*

I think he’s justified.

Wanting him to rearrange work for this I think is unreasonable.

Taking the kids to activities- find as it won’t harm his older kids to either come along as a one/ two off or if they’re old enough, stay at home alone (not ages in your post). Does he normally do nothing with your joint children in the weekends because his older children are there?

Oh, based on your updates YAB massively U.

Can you not help your friend during the school day?

So he needs to do what other parents do and bundle them in car, unless he had plans with them.

Well it depends if op wants him to cancel his dc...

I wouldn’t be keen to rearrange work for this. What happens when one of the children, his own family etc need him, and he’s exhausted his managers goodwill to help your friend?

Presuming he could still see his children on Saturday, then you’re not at all unreasonable on the second point. It won’t harm his children to go to your dc’s activities just once.

How old are the dc?

yabu to expect him to change his work schedule.

what practical help does your friend need? if you are a SAHM, you must have other time available to help the friend.

So you want him to cancel his children visiting so you can support a friend?

surely as a SAHM you can support while the children are at school?

why Does he need to cancel? He has more than his first family children, children with the OP aren’t second class citizens. Surely he can parent all his kids at the same time?!