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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refusing to help

158 replies

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:22

My best friend is going through a very difficult divorce and has asked me to provide some emotional and practical support. Her husband walked out on her and the kids, and she is struggling in almost very aspect of her life.

I have asked DH to pick up more of the household chores to allow me to help my friend but he has refused because work is too intense and he doesn't want to disturb his routine.

Despite my best efforts, he has never gotten on well with my friend but I was shocked at his response. Should I expect more from him?

OP posts:
Whaleandsnail6 · 16/05/2025 07:23

Yabu. Surely your friend understands that you have your own life and family and cannot drop everything to help her.

The way your family is set up is that you stay at home and do school run whilst he works ... That is the routine. i wouldn't change my work time fornyou to pick up someone elses kids either

Regards to the Saturday, if he has plans with his older children, then its unfair to suddenly change them in favour for his younger kids activities.

You are basically putting your family and husband behind your friend. I'm not saying dont support her, but there are other ways to do that. Support her during the day around your kids routine, have her kids over the weekend if needs be but I think its unreasonable to ask your husband to rearrange work and plans for you to help your friend

RoosterPotato · 16/05/2025 07:29

I’m also on team DH. Can’t you support her during the school day or evening after kids are asleep? As a SAHM to school age kids you have so much time in your day already. Or put the children in after school club as a one off?

I don’t think the level of ask this puts on a third layer of entirely unconnected people (DH’s manage and colleagues having to work around the new hours, and his other children) is reasonable.

Redburnett · 16/05/2025 07:33

You sound as though you are getting too involved in your friend's life and problems and not prioritising your own family.

PowerhouseOfTheCell · 16/05/2025 07:47

So many unknown factors, e.g if he's a paramedic he can't suddenly just clock off at 3:30 for pick up
In the nicest way possible, how long will this level of support last? Days? Weeks? Months? If the husband has left, he's not likely to rock back up in a week.

Hwi · 16/05/2025 07:48

This is madness. Your priorities are wrong. Wake up. Surely this is a windup.

Heronwatcher · 16/05/2025 07:57

Sorry I think you are being U. His work provides the food on your table and he might need flexibility in the future for his own kids. Plus it’s important for him to see his older kids and not disrupt their routine.

Also surely as a SAHM you must have time when the kids are at school or in the evenings when he’s back? It’s great to help your friend but you’ve got to be clear about what’s realistic.

TooGoodToGoto · 16/05/2025 08:10

randomchap · 16/05/2025 04:47

Really? Wow

Show quote history

Sorry I posted this in the wrong thread! I have reported.

Perhaps I should keep off my phone during insomnia moments 🤦‍♀️

Shelby2010 · 16/05/2025 08:13

This is really dependent on your current set up. Do you have kids at home or at school? What extra tasks are you expecting him to take on?

howshouldibehave · 16/05/2025 08:21

How old are your children?
What support is your friend asking for?
Why doesn't your husband like your friend?

If my DH, who didn't work, asked to me to change my work schedule and weekend arrangements with my kids so he could go off to his mates's house-who I justifiably think is a dickhead-I wouldn't be happy either.

More info needed. If it's the case that your friend needs help cleaning her house and your kids are at school-why can't you help her during the school day?

If your dripfeed is going to reveal that your husband is an arse, your friend is amazing and needs your help to look after her kids so she can go and distribute dinner for the poor, then you'll probably get different answers.

I would imagine your DH doesn't want to work full time in a stressful job so that you don't have to work to make both your lives easier, then you expect him to move his work and contact times around to help someone he doesn't like which pisses him off.

Shelby2010 · 16/05/2025 08:21

Sorry missed your second post

YABU

You want him to miss time with his kids so he can take your (joint?) children to activities. Meanwhile you’re presumably helping friend out with her kids activities. No. That’s not on.

ThejoyofNC · 16/05/2025 08:25

Why the hell would the sole earner in a family agree to move his work around so that you can go and help out a friend (who he doesn't even like) whilst he also does more at home?

It's a breakup. Yes it's probably a shit time for her, but nobody is serious ill or dying. YABVU.

Joystir59 · 16/05/2025 08:27

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:42

I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit.

Show quote history

Then you are BU. Asking him to ask his manager for shift changes so his wife can help her friend is ridiculous imo. You shouldn't expect this of him or impact on his time with his other children. Also I'm curious as to why he doesn't like your friend? Is it because you are too involved with her?

TreeDudette · 16/05/2025 08:41

I think you are being very unreasonable. You can support your friend when your kids are at school. Why should he cancel a vist from his kids (or drag them along to an unsuitable event) so you can be a Saturday shoulder to cry on? And asking him to change his work hours so he can pick kids up so you can do what exactly??

You can certainly ask him to be home a couple of nights a week and do kiddy bedtime so you can support your friend or to put the dishwasher on or do some extra laundry but you are asking for big stuff that isn't fair!

justasking111 · 16/05/2025 08:44

HeddaGarbled · 15/05/2025 21:47

*I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit*

I think he’s justified.

I think he's right too the work hours reason is flaky

Saturday he has children from his ex partner who need him. You knew he had children when you met him.

Copernicus321 · 16/05/2025 08:47

Removed... I hadn't read all updates in the the thread

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2025 08:50

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:42

I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit.

Show quote history

Totally unreasonable that he rearrange work schedule.
Unreasonable that he disrupt existing arrangements to see his kids,that will impact them,his ex, who all have to rearrange contact schedules to suit your mate.

Why are you so over invested? Do you have a compelling need for affirmation? Hey it’s sad and all that but you make reasonable adjustments, not unreasonable adjustment that impact work and preplanned child contacts

onetrickrockingpony · 16/05/2025 08:53

YABVU and kind of lost all perspective

Lurker85 · 16/05/2025 08:56

If your friend needs help you need to work helping her around your family, not the other way around. Especially as you essentially have the whole school day to do so.

GeorgianaM · 16/05/2025 08:59

It’s a divorce not a bereavement and your friend sounds like an emotional vampire. She needs to suck it up and stop being a burden on her friends.

Whilst you’re off patting her hand and saying ‘there, there’, why should he have to do more at home?

You can support your friend after your household chores have been done instead of dropping what’s going on in your life and expecting your poor husband to pick up what you’re slacking off from.

AndorTheRelentless · 16/05/2025 09:07

HeddaGarbled · 15/05/2025 21:47

*I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit*

I think he’s justified.

Me too

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2025 09:13

You’re a housewife with no stressful job and your partner has a very stressful FT job
And you’re berating him for not stepping up for your pal?

Matronic6 · 16/05/2025 09:14

Imagine being DH's boss and getting a work schedule request because of his wife friends divorce. Of course it's a completely unreasonable request.

Just read your are a stay at home wife the fact you thought this was in any way reasonable is shocking to me.

Blueskiesandrainbows · 16/05/2025 09:16

You are being unreasonable OP, surely you can find time in the daytime to support your friend. Plus what support does she need at weekends, she is obviously going to have to learn to cope. No doubt the time at weekends with his own children is precious to your husband and it’s perfectly reasonable that he doesn’t want to change it just to suit your friend. It’s nice to help out but it sounds as if you’re the one really going over the top here.

MummyJ36 · 16/05/2025 09:22

I have a feeling a dropped may be coming. But if not…I don’t think your DH is being unreasonable OP. There’s no reason why you can’t help her out during school hours if you are a SAHP. Fundamentally, you cannot replace her husband which is what it sounds like she wants you to do?

Barrenfieldoffucks · 16/05/2025 09:23

How is her divorce stopping her being able to pick up her own kids or entertain them at weekends?