DH refusing to help

[ForCheekyOchreLeader]

My best friend is going through a very difficult divorce and has asked me to provide some emotional and practical support. Her husband walked out on her and the kids, and she is struggling in almost very aspect of her life.

I have asked DH to pick up more of the household chores to allow me to help my friend but he has refused because work is too intense and he doesn't want to disturb his routine.

Despite my best efforts, he has never gotten on well with my friend but I was shocked at his response. Should I expect more from him?

@Ladyoats well you then are a true friend.

I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend.

YABU

You can support your friend without it impacting picking your kids up.

Your DH needs to save favours like that for when it’s actually needed (if you or the kids are sick for example).

What type of help is it during the week? If it’s she’s working so you need to go pick her kids up from school and babysit then you could collect your kids at the same time or suggest she gets a childminder. If it’s emotional support then I’m sure she’ll manage for an hour or so whilst you go pick your kids up.

Find another way of supporting your friend that doesn't cause your husband issues at work, or with his children

YABU

I think it's super unreasonable to expect him to change his work schedule for this. I see you are a SAHM, so I think it's not unreasonable to support your friend during the day while kids are at school, and times that you can manage alongside your own family commitments but I don't think he should need to miss work for it. The Saturday would be fine if he could take his other kids along id think.

You're a stay at home mom but you expect your husband who works and is the breadwinner to rearrange his work schedule so you can help a friend? And you want him to cancel his kids' weekend times too?

I think you're being very unreasonable. You can help her on your time but don't expect your husband to jump through hoops for you to do that.

Are your kids in school? If so, help in your free time but don't expect your husband to change his work and child commitments to enable you to do that.

I think the things you are asking are the kind of one off things that might be needed in an emergency not to generally support a friend going through a tough time. Sounds like you are a lovely friend but you need to have your boundaries.

Going to his manager to change his work hours is for things like medical appointments or serious family issues, not a spouse helping a friend.

the weekend thing is less obvious. If he has his children a good a percentage of the time, then part of one day spent shuttling the younger siblings to activities shouldn’t be a big deal. It happens sometimes in families. If he is an EOW kind of father, then he shouldn’t be missing that time or prioritizing anything but his older children during the tiny window he actually parents

Are 'the kids' joint or yours?

Get your friend to change her work hours so you have more free time during school hours?

Fucking delusional

His first born children are not second class citizens either and dont just dissapear whrn additional children are born, and yes if this was reversed I would not be happy doing more because of this myself so would not expect this off my husband

The OP cant make decisions for other people because they feel like it

Agreed, but now OP has stated he does 70/30 split and she’s a SAHP, I think he’s NB so U.

Sorry he does 30 not 70!!

You are so unreasonable with number 1!

Bloody cheek!

Hey manager my wife is a SAHM, her mates got a few issues so she wants to relinquish that role for a bit, so can I change hours in my stressful job to accommodate this?

But besides that, your DH doesn’t like your friend, so is unlikely to want to disrupt his work that’s currently paying all the bills or take on more than 30% of household chores.

Totally unreasonable!!’ Your own family comes first.

In that case, YABU.

Really? Wow

YABU

"He’s not refusing to help, it’s not help. He’s refusing to be a partner and a father.
Honestly, he sounds awful"

Man puts his children first so He sounds awful...
Blatant Misandry....

I think if she needs more than a few hours support a few times a week within school hours it’s not sustainable. If it’s for a couple of days while she gets over the initial shock, then step up as much as you can and help - eg 9-3 for a few days. But I can’t imagine what ongoing support she needs that eats into weekends and after school. What are you actually doing for her? Most people would realise that they’re asking too much from you. Maybe your husband realises she is a taker. Don’t fall out with your husband and impact your kids day to day life over this. Just tell your friend you can see her 9-3 Monday and Thursday or something. Make sure the basics are still being done at home - food shop, clean clothes etc but use your time with her to get her sorted with childcare or making a gp appointment if she’s not coping mentally, etc. Your husband is being completely reasonable. If you worked full time you wouldn’t be able to help her much and as a stay at home parent you have agreed as a family that this is your job. Your friend should be grateful for what you can do for her and not demanding too much time.

Changing his hours at work and spending time with his kids aren’t small asks
yabu

Eh? Perhaps youve not seen the op’s latest posts. The poor guy would have to change his work pattern with his line manager and is already in a pressurised job. (The OP is stay at home.mum so they need DHs salary).

Expecting him to do that us too much. It’s one thing cancelling a night out with the lads now and then to babysit your DW’s pals kids and your own while the ladies go out to cheer up the pal, but that’s an expectation too far.

You need to think of what you can do yourself to help her.