DH refusing to help

[ForCheekyOchreLeader]

My best friend is going through a very difficult divorce and has asked me to provide some emotional and practical support. Her husband walked out on her and the kids, and she is struggling in almost very aspect of her life.

I have asked DH to pick up more of the household chores to allow me to help my friend but he has refused because work is too intense and he doesn't want to disturb his routine.

Despite my best efforts, he has never gotten on well with my friend but I was shocked at his response. Should I expect more from him?

How much support does this friend need? It sounds as though she is pretty hard work, you are going to not be able to pick up your own kids to help her and your husband will have to change his working hours and give up time with his children, all for her. She must be a fantastically good friend, I would only disrupt my family that much for a very close relative (mother, father, sibling) who was seriously ill. And probably not even for them for a marriage breakdown.

You don't work, so have most of the day, five days a week, to help your friend, why would you need to disrupt your whole family to help?

You want him to prioritise your friend over his kids?

Sorry @ForCheekyOchreLeader I think you are being abu.
As a sahp you can use that to your advantage.

Get up earlier, go to bed later. Switch your routine around. Put easy meals in the oven or buy a takeaway for your family. Or batch cook and drop meals off so your friends dc can eat while she is overwhelmed.
You don't let a domino effect from your friends trouble cause trouble in your own marriage.

What does she want you to help with that means that you want your DH to change his work hours?

sorry, but this is nuts.

Out of interest - have you ever worked? It doesn't sound like that. You cannot just change your hours because your wife's friend has a difficult time. It doesn't work like that. Also unreasonable seeing that you don't even have a job and he is the sole provider.

Also, why would you expect him to cancel on his DC because of this? What has this got to do with anything?

I think it's great that you want to support your friend but surely, you have all day to do that as you don't work. Leave your husband out.

1. No, you don't waste the company's time and money to sort stuff out for your friend. Book after school club.
2. His kids see him only one day a week!? Then he needs to prioritise that. Go to see your mate on Sunday instead.

I understand your DH on this one. Not everyone works in an environment where changing your schedule is an easy or accepted thing to do. I would easily do so in my current job, but I've worked jobs where I wouldn't even have dared to ask. And for the Saturday, I agree that his time with his children shouldn't suffer for a friend of yours.
Now if he refused and talked to you in a horrible way about it, that's another thing though.
Is there any other time that you could help your friend? Does it have to be then? I'm sure she'll understand if you say you can't on those occasions but happy to when you're free.
Also depends on what your friend needs help for. If it's every day/mundane activities, then surely it can wait? If it's work or medical related, then maybe you can help her find some other help (babysitter, another friend/family member,...)

Yabu. You want him to cut down time with his dc and ask for time off work yet you're a stay at home parent so not taking a hit on anything at all. Why don't you offer to go to the solicitors during the day with your friend for eg. that doesn't impinge on anyone else's time.

He's a partner AND father to the wife's friend?!!

This. I wouldn't do it either.

I think rearranging his work schedule because your friend is getting a divorce is too much, it’s quite a weird ask.
As is asking him to ferry your friends kids about on the one day he sees his children.

Op, you have a very odd idea of work. I can get short-notice time off for a family funeral or if my partner/child is hospitalised. Not because someone my partner knows is feeling down. My manager would think I was joking.

You are being completely unreasonable, he works a very stressful job and your expecting him to change his work hours?

If you are a SAHM why can’t you help your friend out during the day when your husband is at work?

We should all help our friends when they need us. That’s what friends are for. Otherwise, we’re fair weather friends. We never know what’s around the corner and when we might need them, e.g. if you were suddenly incapacitated, would your friend support your DH and help with your kids?

However, there’s a balance to be struck. If your DH’s employment is the only source of family income, that should be prioritised. Changing his work hours may be quite a big ask. May be necessary for his own family needs, but it could be harder to do it to help out a friend. Though he could have a frank chat with his boss. Most employers would consider sympathetically (even if they have to say no) if you’re asking to temporarily support others.

If your DC are at nursery or school, do you have time in the day to help your friend in other ways than pick ups: shopping, errands, housework? Or, if she needs help with pick ups, can you juggle them somehow or ask another friend if they could pick up your kids some days, in return for you doing the same for them other days.

On Saturdays, your DH needs time with all his kids, otherwise he won’t see them. Could you alternate Saturdays, so you help your friend every other week? And another friend does the other weeks. Or could your DH do something with all the kids together, e.g. take your kids to their activities with his kids, who he treats to a cafe while waiting?

Oh, here we go.

He could be autistic for all we know but i don’t think there’s anything in the OP’s posts that would remotely suggest this. More that he’s the only sensible one of the pair.

OP is so unreasonable it’s hard to know where to start. The fact she’s a SAMH wanting the worker bee to change both his work and child custody schedule to accommodate her is icing on the cake.

Both these requests ask him to not fulfill his responsibilities - to work and to his children.

I don't think it's fair to ask this really.

I wouldn’t expect my friends to put their family in this sort of situation to help me and I can’t do it either except for one off situations. Like you can offer your help to your friend at your free time, when the kids are in school, when your husband is back from work, etc.
Just expecting to leave all your responsibilities and impact everyone in the family for your friend is bonkers as it means you’re prioritising her needs before that of your family. You can be there for her around your commitments, everyone else does not have to suffer for it so YABU

I posted on the wrong thread!! Sorry I’ll ask to be deleted!

good god, you just all think I’m mad!!

I posted on the wrong thread!! What an idiot I am! I’m getting it deleted!

Teaches me to pick up my phone when not sleeping well 🤦‍♀️

If he was at home anyway and had no plans he would be unreasonable but he’s not he’s working and spending time with his children. He absolutely should not change his schedule so you can support a friend.

You could see your friend in the day if she is off/doesnt work, support over the phone. Could you go over on an evening? Or maybe Sunday.

also, does your friend know what sort of stuff you are requesting from your DH so you can support her? I'd be mortified.
What sort of things does she need help with? You wanted DH to change the hours so he can do school runs (that is weekdays) and stop seeing his DC on Sat. Does your friend need 24h support or what?

Team DH. It's one thing to have to change schedule if you've had to take a relative to a&e or an emergency Drs appointment but to help a friend when you've got 6 hours free during the day? No.

Asking him to care for your children during an evening is one thing but expecting his manager to restructure your husband work to facilitate you helping a third party is a different matter altogether. If he doesn’t particularly like your friend, I can see why he’s digging his heels in too.
Try to work on a compromise OP and ask him what he IS prepared to help with and take it from there.

I was wondering why OP and others are expecting her step kids to have to accommodate their younger step sibs activities which will eat into their time with their dad.
Why can't the younger kids skip the activities so that her husband can have all his children together or OP arrange a play date for them so that the older kids get some dad time?