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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH refusing to help

158 replies

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:22

My best friend is going through a very difficult divorce and has asked me to provide some emotional and practical support. Her husband walked out on her and the kids, and she is struggling in almost very aspect of her life.

I have asked DH to pick up more of the household chores to allow me to help my friend but he has refused because work is too intense and he doesn't want to disturb his routine.

Despite my best efforts, he has never gotten on well with my friend but I was shocked at his response. Should I expect more from him?

OP posts:
Endofyear · 16/05/2025 09:24

I think if you are a stay at home parent and he is working a stressful job to support you all, he is already pulling his weight. He shouldn't have to change his work hours for you to help your friend. He also has his own kids to see at the weekend. I think you need to find ways to help your friend without expecting him to pick up your kids from school.

mrshedgesparrow · 16/05/2025 09:27

From your 2 updates I’m going to have to say YABU.

You can’t expect the only earner in the house to change their work hours and not spend time with their own children at the weekend to accommodate you helping your friend. That’s not reasonable.

Presumably you have all school hours to help your friend?

proximalhumerous · 16/05/2025 09:28

So many selfish men with their stubborn refusal to do anything that doesn't suit them. I.e. basically anything that doesn't involve sex. I was ghosted recently by someone I was dating when I suggested he might help me out when I broke my shoulder. Literally never heard from him again from that moment.

Espressosummer · 16/05/2025 09:30

proximalhumerous · 16/05/2025 09:28

So many selfish men with their stubborn refusal to do anything that doesn't suit them. I.e. basically anything that doesn't involve sex. I was ghosted recently by someone I was dating when I suggested he might help me out when I broke my shoulder. Literally never heard from him again from that moment.

And what's that got to do with this situation? The OP's husband isn't being selfish here. He works full time and does 30% of all house stuff despite the OP being a SAHM. Unless there are disabilities involved, which the OP hasn't mentioned, then it sounds like she has it easy.

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2025 09:32

proximalhumerous · 16/05/2025 09:28

So many selfish men with their stubborn refusal to do anything that doesn't suit them. I.e. basically anything that doesn't involve sex. I was ghosted recently by someone I was dating when I suggested he might help me out when I broke my shoulder. Literally never heard from him again from that moment.

How is that in any way comparable or relevant?what are you on about?
Op wants her partner to disrupt work and his child access visits for op to faff around after someone else
This is nowt to do with sex. Everything to do with op being over invested in someone else drama and enacting saviour syndrome

Tiswa · 16/05/2025 09:32

proximalhumerous · 16/05/2025 09:28

So many selfish men with their stubborn refusal to do anything that doesn't suit them. I.e. basically anything that doesn't involve sex. I was ghosted recently by someone I was dating when I suggested he might help me out when I broke my shoulder. Literally never heard from him again from that moment.

whilst that can be true I don’t think it is here.

if he changed his work he would be putting others out, changing the schedule for his children as well for a person who isn’t his family

the OP is asking too much

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 16/05/2025 09:35

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:42

I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit.

Show quote history

Yep- YABU

nomas · 16/05/2025 09:36

Next time this prince needs you to watch his kids so he can help his parents or someone, tell him to piss off.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 16/05/2025 09:39

Can he have the kids of an evening and you go to your friend then?

I wouldn’t expect him to leave work early or not pick his other kids up TBH.

Though if you feel he’s not flexible or pulling his weight generally that’s another issue. Do you ever go out or get time by yourself? Being a SAHP doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to a break.

Caroparo52 · 16/05/2025 09:42

If dh up to his eyes in it then I'd agree with him. Family first op otherwise he will be the one needing support too. Respect that he may be struggling too

proximalhumerous · 16/05/2025 09:44

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2025 09:32

How is that in any way comparable or relevant?what are you on about?
Op wants her partner to disrupt work and his child access visits for op to faff around after someone else
This is nowt to do with sex. Everything to do with op being over invested in someone else drama and enacting saviour syndrome

Show quote history

Mea culpa - didn't read far enough through the thread and in this instance it doesn't sound like he's being unreasonable.

Although I think generally it's not untrue - there are lots of threads on here about men refusing to help with things.

Laoise542 · 16/05/2025 09:44

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2025 06:25

Oh, here we go.

He could be autistic for all we know but i don’t think there’s anything in the OP’s posts that would remotely suggest this. More that he’s the only sensible one of the pair.

OP is so unreasonable it’s hard to know where to start. The fact she’s a SAMH wanting the worker bee to change both his work and child custody schedule to accommodate her is icing on the cake.

Show quote history

There's always one poster suggesting a person is autistic isn't there! Not that I think there's anything remotely to suggest this.

I thought this was going to be a post about the DH not helping with housework or childcare or something. It's great OP you are a caring friend but what you are asking of your DH is completely unreasonable. You can't ask him to stop seeing his own children on a Saturday nor expect him to change his work hours to accommodate your friend. No manager would agree to that.

I've helped friends through divorces and yes it's tough but they wouldn't expect me to completely arrange my life to help them. If you're a SAHM can you not go round during the day, or a few evenings or a Sunday to support your friend. What is she needing support with?

AtIusvue · 16/05/2025 09:53

Why does your friend need such intensive help that you can’t be around at pick up for school? What exactly are you helping her with that you can’t be around for the kids?

That doesn’t seem a normal level of help to give a friend. The help you provide for your friend must fit around your family. The only time where everything gets dropped is in the case of an emergency. Is your friend in danger, crisis that you need to be with her this intensively?

Has she other friends or family that can help out? That can coordinate with you to sort out timings to allow you to get the kids from school etc.

It isn’t your husbands job to rearrange a highly pressured work schedule around your friends issues.

The help you provide must come second to your family commitments. Unless of course it’s an emergency and adjustments can be made. Your friend will have to cope for a few hours a day without you while you collect your kids etc.

Zone2NorthLondon · 16/05/2025 09:56

nomas · 16/05/2025 09:36

Next time this prince needs you to watch his kids so he can help his parents or someone, tell him to piss off.

What are you on about? Unplanned assistance to family isn’t same as rescheduling work, not seeing his kids for an acquaintance

Gymnopedie · 16/05/2025 10:50

Somehow I think the OP won't be back. And not because she's too busy helping her friend.

Ponoka7 · 16/05/2025 11:02

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:42

I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit.

Show quote history

That's too bigger an ask. It would be different if it was housework and the odd bedtime. You need to keep focus on your family's needs. Work out how you can help your friend and put it to her what you can do. She needs to ask family and approach appropriate services. I'd direct her to this site.

Laoise542 · 16/05/2025 11:06

I'm just wondering if this is the same poster from a few weeks back who refused to get a job to help with the family finances because it was convenient for her to not work so she could be available to help friends and family....

UndermyShoeJoe · 16/05/2025 11:14

yabu. As a sahm you have all day long to support your friend however you decide.

Asking him to change his work hours is very unreasonable.

Also you’re asking him to change his visits for his children again to benefit your friend not your family or household so again unreasonable.

TheJinxMinx · 16/05/2025 11:16

Sorry OP but on the basis of your updates id say yabu. I can understand asking him if he can swap one day as a one off but not regular swaps while u support a friend. You are a stay at home mum can't you visit her in the daytime if kids or at school or with younger kids. Politely I assume ur husband is thinking not my circus and not my monkeys I assume she has family support also presumably to help out I can't imagine you are needed everyday? Its not fair to ask the main earner to change his whole schedule for this and it wouldn't sound great to a manager hardly an immediate family emergency. In regards to the Saturday that depends on times I mean can the step kids go in the car for the activity? How long does he get with his other children and how far away is the activity and how long does it last? Could the kids maybe miss one Saturday and spend time with dad and step siblings and u see ur friend then?

GeorgianaM · 16/05/2025 11:45

Barrenfieldoffucks · 16/05/2025 09:23

How is her divorce stopping her being able to pick up her own kids or entertain them at weekends?

It isn’t. The OP is going round to her mates house so that they can bitch about the friends husband or even men in general whilst sitting on their arses drinking tea etc whilst the ops husband is expected to run himself ragged doing the housework after a long day at work.

Bechange997 · 16/05/2025 15:35

Butchyrestingface · 16/05/2025 06:25

Oh, here we go.

He could be autistic for all we know but i don’t think there’s anything in the OP’s posts that would remotely suggest this. More that he’s the only sensible one of the pair.

OP is so unreasonable it’s hard to know where to start. The fact she’s a SAMH wanting the worker bee to change both his work and child custody schedule to accommodate her is icing on the cake.

Show quote history

I’m not making excuses for him. I’m autistic myself and wouldn’t behave like this. It’s just a question.🙋‍♂️

Spirallingdownwards · 16/05/2025 15:38

ForCheekyOchreLeader · 15/05/2025 21:42

I wanted him to rearrange him work schedule so he could pick up the kids and I could help my friend. He refused because he didn't want to approach his manager about changing his hours.

I also wanted him take the kids to their activities on Saturday's but he refused as that's when his children visit.

Show quote history

Both these examples I would say you are being totally unreasonable.

Any support you are giving your friend should be around your normal availability not impacting his work or time with his kids.

Spirallingdownwards · 16/05/2025 15:43

What even kind of help is your friend wanting?

movintothecountry · 16/05/2025 16:11

The responses on this thread are totally mad. Are sahm's never allowed to have anything going on outside of the home and family?

What kind of marriage is it if you can't expect any help from your spouse to support a friend because it might inconvenience them slightly? It's not like shes asking him to permanently change his hours, it's likely a short term thing so she can lend support to a friend in their time of need, something we should all try and do for those we care about?

I'm willing to bet if the dh had a sick family member or a situation where he had to to help a friend out, everyone would 100% expect the op to pick up all the slack at home and probably with her step kids as well or she'd be called a horrible person.

TooGoodToGoto · 16/05/2025 16:16

movintothecountry · 16/05/2025 16:11

The responses on this thread are totally mad. Are sahm's never allowed to have anything going on outside of the home and family?

What kind of marriage is it if you can't expect any help from your spouse to support a friend because it might inconvenience them slightly? It's not like shes asking him to permanently change his hours, it's likely a short term thing so she can lend support to a friend in their time of need, something we should all try and do for those we care about?

I'm willing to bet if the dh had a sick family member or a situation where he had to to help a friend out, everyone would 100% expect the op to pick up all the slack at home and probably with her step kids as well or she'd be called a horrible person.

Inconveniencing him slightly? Asking to change hours and disrupting his time with his children?

why doesn’t OPs friend (not the DHs friend, he doesn’t like her), inconvenience her own friend slightly by not asking her to get her DH involved with her marital issues.