DH refusing to help

[ForCheekyOchreLeader]

My best friend is going through a very difficult divorce and has asked me to provide some emotional and practical support. Her husband walked out on her and the kids, and she is struggling in almost very aspect of her life.

I have asked DH to pick up more of the household chores to allow me to help my friend but he has refused because work is too intense and he doesn't want to disturb his routine.

Despite my best efforts, he has never gotten on well with my friend but I was shocked at his response. Should I expect more from him?

Is there stuff you currently do for your husband?

Maybe you can stop doing that to focus on your friend?

Y A B so U here - I wouldn't be overly impressed if a member of staff wanted to change hours due to an issue his wife had with her friend. That would be a business impact and one I just would authorise at alll. I can see why he doesn't want to ask his manager!!

YABU!!
You want home to sacrifice time with his own kids so you can help your friend?!?!

And changing the work routine is a huge ask too and likely not feasible.

His refusal is reasonable.

Find another way to help your friend.

Of course, and then he can stop using his earnings to support the op financially....
Not the dc, just the op.

YAB massively unreasonable. If someone that worked for me wanted to change their hours because their wife’s friend needed a shoulder to cry on I’d be super unimpressed!

And the way you’ve worded it suggests you expect him to cancel having his children too? What’s the reason he dislikes her? Is there a backstory?

Yabu. Can't believe you expect him to change his work hours.

YABU, he can't exactly ask to change his work schedule because his wife's friend needs help. Surely the friend has family or other friends they could resort to if they desperately need help at that specific time.
Likewise it's not fair on his children to come second best to your friend.
Why can't you help your friend when the children are at school? What support to you need to give her? If it's emotional then surely that can be done during the day, as well as some practical help such as batch cooking, cleaning her house if things have gone off track for her.

Yabu and totally ridiculous.

What help does she actually need and how long will it go on for?

He would still see his kids?

She’s a SAHM to children, not a grown ass man.

YABU extremely U!

You’re asking him to change his work schedule so you can help your friend? That’s outrageous and if I was your friend I’d be mortified if my friend was suggesting that and causing her husband inconvenience . Surely there a way as a SAHM you can support your friend either when the kids are at school - if they’re all school aged - or for a hour when they’re asleep or something.

As a pp said what happens when he needs to change his schedule in the future for your family needs and his boss’s goodwill has ran out because he’s already asked for a change of schedule before?

And what impact would your suggestion have on his first set of kids visiting ? I’m taking a guess that because he only sees them once a week he wants to focus more time on them alone, but your proposal is to change this and for all of the kids to go out and do something? Depending on how the kids all feel about it , not necessarily a bad idea in itself - but the fact you’re only suggesting it to help your friend is bad.

You’re a SAHM and by your own admission it’s a 70/30 split at home so he’s pulling his weight clearly. People are out of order to say you should stop doing stuff for him. This is just taking the piss .

What if he decided to help a mate who Op didn’t like and said he would reduce his domestic contributions from a third to a quarter to enable him to do that?

i feel like you’d have been told YABU for the work change but YANBU for Saturday help with activities but now you’ve mentioned step children you’re a fucking witch 🤣 honestly didn’t take long at all

OP is be autistic? Routine changes can be stressful for us and maybe that’s why he didn’t get on with your friend?

depending on how much he’s working I would say he is being unreasonable to not step up to help you a little more.

YABVU You are a SAHM and expect him to change his work hours to pick the kids up. I’d laugh at my OH if they suggested that to me

he*

This.

Dragging them to his other kids activities isn't quality time.

I'm sure the OP can find some other way to help.

Yep and he's providing for the dc, not a grown ass woman

😉

Yep. Especially if there a big age gap.

As I said upthread I’m not necessarily opposed to the idea in theory. If it was something that Op thought was in the best interests of the kids for some reason, it may not be such a bad idea depending on various things such as age etc and what his kids want.

However it’s clear in this instance she’s literally just suggested this because of her friend - it’s not an idea she’s put forward because she thinks it is in the best interests his kids who only see him on weekends.

She is taking care of his kids.

in this instance she’s literally just suggested this because of her friend not in the interests of her kids or his.
Yep, sad but unexpected for the steps....bonkers for her own!

It’s not every week though. There will be times he will want to do something and he’ll ask OP to
look after all the dc on a Saturday.

Maybe OP should refuse then.

Honestly I’m the single friend currently so I should probably be cheering this on - “sisters before misters” or whatever lol but actually I really think people who put their friends ahead of their spouse/family like this are ridiculous.

I have had married friends with kids help me out in the past, but if I had even so much as an inkling it was causing issues for their wives/husband/kids or their partners disliked me, I’d politely decline their help.

Expecting him to change his hours so you can visit a friend is crazy.