How can I convince Dh to move back home?

[Cantstopsneezingatishoo]

We live abroad. We had a great time when a bit younger and it’s a beautiful place, but we’re getting a little older now (mid 40’s) my parents are still ok but obviously ageing and I want to be around for them. I have work here, but would have more choice in the uk. I’d like our Dd to go to school in the uk.
The thought of being here when we’re older and retired makes me feel uneasy, I don’t feel
as secure as i’d like.
He hates the thought of returning to the uk and won’t discuss it.

What do I do?

I agree. In a few years, she may be though, that’s why i’m feeling the pressure to do it soon too

I am sure your child will be best off with two parents who are relatively happy than in either country. So you need to find a way to live together or apart that has this as the centre goal

I agree, I cannot afford to live here on my own (could in the uk) ive told him this

She would have far greater freedom to, as an EU citizen.

I remember mine quite well, and at that age I certainly considered the country I was born and raised in to be ‘home’, even if it wasn’t one I shared with both parents.

"some of us" yeah, right. You speak for the crowd of displaced women on this thread, a whole crowd of people, who as 7 yr olds were forced to move homes.

😂

It sounds like you just had very different expectations - you considered this some sort of an ex pat situation and he considered it immigrating. My husband and I went through the same as I said and he did ‘win’ and it absolutely worked out for the best. So I don’t think either of you are wrong, priorities shift when you have children and you just didn’t figure it out along the way

7 is a good age to move. I think the hardest time is 10-13

We had to move with ours at ages 1 & 2 then 3 & 4, 7&8, 14 & 15

It was a bit harder at 7 & 8 than when they were tiny, but much easier with teenagers. And still teens now, they can barely remember that move when they were 7&8

I’m speaking for myself as a child of emigrants. At 7 I certainly considered the country I was born and raised in to be my home, not a country I wasn’t.

I think for some individuals, moving countries as children can be deeply traumatic, for a variety of very specific reasons. If you are one of those people then I apologize for taking the piss.

I was one of those children, yes. I wasn’t traumatized, but I don’t share the same concept of ‘home’ as my parents do (nor does my brother), and that’s okay. It isn’t something that has to be shared.

What I’m saying is that it isn’t nonsense to say that she could very well already be rooted in Spain, and it doesn’t follow that what would best suit OP would be better for her than remaining in Spain.

Did you read what I wrote? The prospects and just happiness and security would be much better around our family in the uk, we are alone here

So HE'S changed his mind, not you?

Yes exactly, it’s ever since we had her, priorities do change, it’s what’s best for her now too, not us

It would be better for her in the uk, not me, but her too

Why does she struggle with the language, if she was born in Spain? I know a few kids and teenagers who grew up in Spain (both mainland and islands), and they're pretty much bilingual.

It was easier for us as our kids are much better off here (uk) than where we grew up (the states) so I would have moved just for me.

if you said you are going are you sure he’d want you to leave your daughter there? Cause splitting up and moving home ‘with’ your daughter is an option if he agrees. Setting you up for years of flying back and forth but maybe that’s worth it? You don’t sound particularly invested in the relationship

Some of us were that child, and many of us have those kids and we have read the literature and our expatriating employers, who send us abroad, have family officers to talk this through and we have the now-grown kid if older colleagues talk about it and many colleagues who were expats themselves and they talk about...

A 7-year-old living in a culture not her parents' is not uncommon at all. There is much information about it.

Honestly, the consensus in my circles (= expat expat expat) is kids attach to their families until the age of three-ish, then they are putting down roots in the community, and of course as teens they detach from their parents and it becomes a while different ballpark.

7 = rooted, almost all of the time/if your child is at all socialized.

He wouldn’t allow me to go with her, to take her away I mean, but equally he wouldn’t manage with her on her own! (That will never be an option though)

No, that it what you want to be true, that does not in any way guarantee that actually being her experience.

She doesn’t need to be around wider family in order to feel happy and secure. She also has prospects in the a member country of the EU, arguably more than she would in the UK (even if that requires moving from your specific area in Spain).

Your husband has communicated to you that returning to the UK as an intact family is not an option available to you. You cannot force him to provide you with what you want, you can only make decisions based on the options that are.

I wondered this. I have friends who lived in Spain. Their child was born there and her Spanish was better than her English. She struggled in school when in uk

A child of 7 is more rooted to their family than the area they live in, they easily make new friends and adapt, especially if the place they are going to is in their own language, school in their own language and a loving wider family all around them to welcome them, the benefits are huge
I have had ex pat friends return at all different stages, the most recent last year, her Dd barely remembers much about living here and is happily settled at an English school with lovely friends and their families around

But it sounds like you're saying to move back to the UK as your parents will need you to be their carers so can't see that selling well to him.
Are both you from the same area in UK your parents are in or is it a done thing you'll move to them?

It’s an international ex pat area & she was born into an English family, she would not speak better Spanish than English if brought up in an English family, it doesn’t work like that. My child speaks the language but the majority of her British or International friends barely speak it

Oh . The nursery and school my friends child went to was all Spanish speaking. Her dad also learnt the language

I don’t know if I will need to care for them, but I want to be there in case I do, I think that’s a pretty normal thing to think about your parents and to want to be around for them
His parents have passed