How can I convince Dh to move back home?

[Cantstopsneezingatishoo]

We live abroad. We had a great time when a bit younger and it’s a beautiful place, but we’re getting a little older now (mid 40’s) my parents are still ok but obviously ageing and I want to be around for them. I have work here, but would have more choice in the uk. I’d like our Dd to go to school in the uk.
The thought of being here when we’re older and retired makes me feel uneasy, I don’t feel
as secure as i’d like.
He hates the thought of returning to the uk and won’t discuss it.

What do I do?

Wow, thanks.

If your daughter qualities for Spanish citizenship you should get it for her before considering leaving. Having eu citizenship is a gift.

I think you need to force the conversation to happen, not let him brush it off or walk away. Is there a day when your DD is elsewhere, like a friend's house when you have no distractions and can thrash it out, if necessary?

We are ex-pats too. I 110% get it. I do.

If one wants to stay and the other wants to go there is no middle ground without one person being miserable and unhappy. You seem to feel your needs out trump his but how did you end up living in Spain in the first place? Was it a joint decision? Did you discuss how long it would be for or the possibility of having a change of heart and what would happen? The UK is spiralling down the toilet currently and I would not want my child growing up here. I am with your husband and as someone that has relocated countries with a child that age it is a huge adjustment and it does affect them emotionally. If you can’t discuss it openly which is frankly ridiculous in a stable happy relationship then maybe agree to both writing and exchanging your list of pros and cons and where you see your selves in ten years time. What if you made a plan together to rethink when your daughter leaves school and flies the nest for uni or whatever?

He's right, the UK is crap now!

He wouldn’t be though and he’s not said he’d be miserable, he’s worried how it will be and quite frankly, lazy and never makes decisions or can be arsed.
He’ll be near family, old friends, will earn more money, still a nice lifestyle where we’ll go, can speak the language more easily, can bring Dd up in our culture, have a bigger and better pension. We could even possibly keep our house here, rent it out for an amazing amount and come over for holidays, there are so many more pros than cons, but he’s not willing to even make a list or do anything about it, just to carry on like all is fine.

I know, but i’m worried then i’ll never get her out of here

But maybe he does feel like you do at the prospect of uprooting his whole life. You’re miserable at the thought of staying, he’s miserable at the thought of leaving. Neither really trumps the other, so status quo wins.

Maybe you need to go your separate ways then as if he won’t move you will only resent him and end up splitting anyway

Do you want to leave?

But if he moved back to the UK and was feeling miserable that would be ok? There is no easy answer here, if I were in your shoes I would do my best to make a good life for yourself there until your daughter is older. Maybe visit your parents for a few weeks in the holidays and spend time with them or invite them out to stay with you.

She may very well be, considering she was born and has lived in Spain her entire life. Speaking from experience, it does not follow that the country you consider ‘home’ is the one she does, or that she will have emotional ties to it.

Oh don’t be so ridiculous! The PP is right, EU citizenship is a gift and you can’t deny her it because you are worried she then won’t leave Spain.
She can’t leave now without your husband’s consent anyway. So what s the difference other than her having the benefit of it?

You can’t even make enough money here to survive on your own easily, in the uk I could. This is another aspect, i’m so vulnerable here.

But then if when she’s older she wants to stay as would then be so attached? I wouldn’t ever move away from her. The prospects for her for the future are better in the uk. This is a great place when they’re little, but i’m thinking more of the future now

I didn't want to leave for a very long time, but now I do and we are, all of us going to live in the UK again shortly. I am nervous, but that's what we decided together. Well truthfully, my DH offered me the chance to decide, knowing I wasn't having the best time in the place we're currently living in (we've moved a lot).

I don't want to give away too many identifying details. I think your rationale about your DD going to school is a strong one. If she stays there, she is essentially going to be a part of Spain forever, full of the language and culture of it - it will be her "home" and she may not want to leave when she is older.

Because Spain is not far from the UK it is possible you could suggest making the transition back in stages, where you go and sort out stuff he doesn't want to deal with (sounds like this may well appeal to him, given your description).

He has made a decision though, hasn’t he? He doesn’t want to leave Spain and return to the UK, and has communicated that.

It doesn’t matter that you think he’d be fine in the UK - he doesn’t want to be in the UK. Your desire to return does not trump his desire to remain.

It’s you that wants to get out of there, not her. eU citizenship is a gift

Sorry, I wasn't meaning to sound unsympathetic - I get you must be really struggling.

How are they better in the UK than in a member country of the EU?

That returning to the UK is something that would better suit you does not mean the same will apply to her. At 7 she is already old enough to feel rooted in Spain, and to consider it her home.

The reality is though one of you is going to be miserable. You want it to be him, he wants it to be you.

There are no real employment prospects where we are, only tourism, she’d probably move away somewhere anywhere

I barely remember my life before 9/10, she would adapt and be fine. She benefits so much from being around her grandparents and having our families and that wider support, she dislikes her school and finds it hard with the language. There are so many things that would be easier and more beneficial for her in the uk. We wouldn’t always be scraping by for money either, as se often are here. Yes, there are beaches and sun, but that’s it.

I don't know why people are saying a 7 yr old is "rooted". That's such utter nonsense.

*Anyway, not anywhere

Because some of us were that 7 year old, and speak from personal experience.