Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

BeEagerEagle
It is not always possible to stop a severely autistic child with associated learning difficulties to be quiet. My ds used to get up at 4, run around, make loud squeals etc and there was no way of preventing it. Don't move op. However I would look at what you can do as regards sound proofing. Is it a housing association? If so ask them for help.

I didn’t say that. Not true at all. There’s no option but to ‘disturb him’ like you say. He has to be watched whenever awake

This is so difficult, I work as a first responder so have to sleep random times and if I had a child screaming through a wall from 04:30-8:30 I'd pull my hair out, probably be reduced to tears myself.
I do sympathise with her but you've already said you can't stop the extent of the noise, so unless you buy a remote house (I know you said it's a quiet ideal location but it probably was for the buyer next door too...) sorry to be negative :(

But is he on any medication at all? There are multiple solutions to at least make someone sleep through the night. I can't imagine how you can survive this.

It sounds like the house isn't suitable for you. You need a house where the biggest bedroom is not adjoining a neighbour. This should surely be possible to find.

Sounds like you're doing an amazing job in a difficult situation OP. Don't move if you like the house and area. Your boy will change as he grows and maybe he will become more settled in time. I get that she's not happy but you wouldn't have chosen to be in this situation either. At least she's getting more sleep than you are!

Yes. He is on quite a list! After many years, I finally get him to sleep until around 4.30am. He use to get up at 2/3am, a lot of trail and error means I’ve got him to 4.30

Like most desperate carers, I’ve tried most things. There is no magic wand

In all honesty it sounds like you could do a bit more then, particularly if her bedroom is adjoining his and he starts making noise at 4.30.

if you can’t/won’t swap rooms with him then you need to get him downstairs at 4.30, not waiting until 5.30. Or he needs to come into your room and you store your breakable items somewhere else.

I think you should also look into trying to get some sound proofing against the adjoining walls.

you can’t help your situation, but I think you have a responsibility to do everything in your power to minimise the impact on your neighbour.

I am really surprised you describe yourself as autistic but seem oblivious to it being a spectrum.

Not all autistic children have the understanding or control regarding the volume of their stims. It isn’t a parenting issue.

You know what I mean. You said to others that you don’t stop him and get him up if he starts screaming and leave him to carry on.

What did you want her to do, wave her magic wand and conjure a nice detached house with no neighbours? Are you for real? FYI parents of very high-needs disabled children often aren’t rolling in spare cash.

With all due respect, as you are HA, is it that easy for you to just move?
In my area, you’d be seen as suitably housed therefore not able to move so soon, even if it was mutual exchange?
Are the HA aware of your son’s disabilities before moving you there?
I would be upset if I was a private owner as it is an excessive noise to put up with. Also I totally feel for you OP, as your life sounds very hard and complaints like this doesn’t make you feel any better.
How old is your son? Is there really no way of regulating him at all?

I think you should ask to be rehoused. The accommodation is not suitable. 4am wake up call everyday for your neighbours must be hellish, and the anxiety and distress you must feel just as bad.

Or can the upstairs be reconfigured, so that his bedroom is on the outside wall? You might get support with this.

I mean most semi houses here have one double bedroom on a non attached wall and loads where once council.

Thats what op needs or to take her son downstairs.

An hour of screaming between 4:30 and 5:30 is going to be extremely difficult and stressful for your neighbors.
Are there any interventions that could prevent or limit this?
I also have a lot of sympathy for you as I am sure that your life will be difficult in many ways that your neighbors can’t imagine.

I don’t really think that’s relevant. I do have real sympathy for your situation. But if those that rented the house that is attached to the house I own had a child that was screaming at 4:30 I would complain I’m afraid. That was hugely impact our life.
made there any things you could do to reduce the noise?

@YourMintReader you state on you other post that your kids sleep till after 7 in the morning yet on this post it is 4.30am?? what is it

It’s likely that her child has communication difficulties as she says he doesn’t speak. A vocal/verbal autistic person who can reply to threads on MN is very different to a non-verbal autistic person who attends an SEN school and requires respite support.

À 4 30am wake up is hideous, you and your neighbours must be losing your minds.

Are you sure you can't fit the bed into the other room? If not you need to fit some soundproofing.

How old is your son?

I agree with this. If you can't move him to another room then I think you need to find a different house. It is not fair on neighbours to be sleeping in the room next to your DC if he is screaming at 4.30am.

@YourMintReader I haven’t read the whole thread as Mumsnet isn’t always the most understanding with SEN children.

My son also loudly stims but doesn’t speak. It’s up to you about the moving but you and your son are allowed to be there, don’t feel you have to move.

Funnily enough Mumsnet usually comes to the defence of noisy neighbours, when it’s booze related.

Others will have better advice but I just wanted to send strength! It’s not easy parenting.

Hope you’re ok, OP. You sound like you’re doing your very best. Speak to OT and is there still a Disability Facility Grant for adaptations? Or maybe you need a managed move; speak to HA and see what they can do. Don’t make any hasty decisions. I also hope you’ve got a social worker and some respite. It sounds very tough and only those who have been in your shoes, really understand how relentless it is.

Possibly, but I was replying to a poster who said the OP should never have considered living in flats or terraced housing with her autistic child. Which is one of the most spectacularly tin-eared and bone-headed comments I have ever seen on MN.

Why would you move. You are not partying all night, she is being a busy body.

Try to defuse the noise when possible otherwise just live your life. 🥰

Why would she move?! In her shoes l would be thinking lm not making the noise and l was here first, me moving wouldn’t be my response