Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

Op firstly I just want to acknowledge what a tough situation you are in and I can see why some of the suggestions wouldn’t work for you. I do however have the greatest of sympathy for your neighbour, she is in an impossible situation which however you look at it is a direct result of you moving in next door. She owns her home, she has reported the issue and even if she wanted to sell her home, she won’t be able to because she will legally have to declare the issue and no buyer will touch it. As nightmare neighbours go you are about as bad as it gets. You simply have to do the right thing or you will drive that poor women to have a mental breakdown. I see no reason why you can’t give your son your room and you have his, even a specialist bed will fit in a double room and if not all of his other equipment fits in there then put it elsewhere. You HAVE to take him downstairs as soon as he wakes up, you say he is noisier downstairs - that’s your interpretation of it, from your neighbours point of view they will hear less with a floor and a wall separating him. I appreciate you are tired but 5 days a week for 8 hours a time your son is out of the house, surely you can catch up on missed sleep then, that’s 40 hours a week you have to yourself undisturbed - your neighbour doesn’t have that, she is having to go out to work and like it or not the only reason you have a roof over your head and clothes on your back is because she is paying taxes. I do fully believe you are entitled to support btw but a bit of appreciation for her situation would not go amiss here. He is 9 years old now and from what you describe you already cannot manage him with the risk of physical injury, he will get bigger and stronger. You are saying that you cannot cope between the hours of 4.30 and 5.30 am with him with being bitten and physically assaulted downstairs, so instead you stay in his bedroom for an hour while he presumably is screaming. You as a mother have admitted that for that hour you cannot cope with your son as you are half asleep but you are aware that you are also putting your neighbour through hell, and she has absolutely zero control over the situation. I again repeat that at 8am your son is taken to school, you are able to destress, relax, sleep, do whatever you need to do. Your neighbour at this time is then heading out to work. I cannot believe that within transport reach of your sons school there is not a single detached house available to rent - even if it’s private which may cost more, but again you have 40 hours a week to yourself, working 20 of them to up your income is very feasible, remember your neighbour is working all day and whilst she is not in the same house as you is equally exhausted (possibly even more so) because she has zero time to relax in her own home.

Its very admirable that you are choosing to be your sons carer over residential care, but your decision to do so should not be at the impact of others.

Which is why I advised the OP to consult the EASS.

I apologised for the use of that word. It was not intentional, as I told at the time.

Your repeating that, I think, is intended as a reminder to posters that I used a word unacceptable to you.

I am sorry that I give you reason to satisfy your demands to see your words in 'print' as it were. I do find that many posters on the site feel they have to keep commenting, even though they know nothing about the situation in the threads.

That is what makes this site so interesting if you are studying the behaviour of people. It also gives an indication of the level of education, and how people react to one another.

Only the mother can have first hand experience of each child. I think each is an individual. I have no idea what equipment is needed, or what is available for lending at home. I do know that if there is such equipment, the local authority has a duty to provide it, but I would not make so bold as to tell her to demand it.

That is why I asked the OP what was available at the school, and how much communication with her there was. I asked that, because the OP has not mentioned how the school copes with her DS. At least, if she did, I didn't see it when I read her posts.

It is always better to ask questions than to make comments or accusations on threads like this, because the safety and wellbeing is at stake, especially in this case.

I do know what it is like to be disabled and have NDNs who are afraid to be friendly in case you rope them in to help. I had a NDN who offered me lifts,to the shops about 10 minutes away. I was grateful because taking the wheelchair across main roads is scary. The lorries create a wind that makes the wheelchair rocky. They each had a car, we did not. My four wheels is a wheelchair. After one or two times, I had the reply: ''well I can give you a lift to the shop but cannot bring you back''. I can understand people who do fear being made makeshift of.

That is an example. I cannot put fear into the OP just to defend myself against posters who are not very nice. I can say, though, that the OP should stand her ground if she doesn't want to spend her and DS's lives as nomads, because it will be the same wherever she goes.

Someone has to break the circle. Her NDN does not have to make her life a misery. The situation cannot be settled between them at the moment.

They own their house, the housing association owns - or has control of - owns the OP's property.

She is in a good position to be helped, and I am surprised that so many people have not offered any help at all, and sided with the able bodied family next door who are not so helpless and vulnerable.

I want to ask you a question which no doubt will be rubbished by posters on here, but I will ask it anyway.

How large is the back garden of your home? I ask, because it is possible you might be able to have an extension purpose built to accommodate your son in a room downstairs which could have built in soundproofing. If size allows, trees are very good at blocking out noise, so a high hedge might be helpful too.

You can have a CCTV type of baby monitor so that you can see your DS without hearing him, and you can get some sleep, as will your neighbour.

So long as you know DS is not physically ill with a cold, etc., you can take no notice of his 'extreme' personality and get some well earned rest.

Do think about it, and ask if it is possible and if so, will it be extra to the grants available?

THERE ARE several companies in the UK who adapt buildings for the disabled. There would not be so many if it were not available to disabled people.

It would ensure a permanent home for you, however the NDNs treat you. If it is not possible where you are, at least if you have to move it will be permanent.

I know you apologised but it doesn't take away the fact that you used it in the first place and what might have made you use it.

I actually think that some of your advice is really good, especially advising OP to consult the EASS. My only issue some of the comments regarding OP's sons severe Autism have being quite ignorant. You are far from the only one to be fair and I do understand that your intention is to help.

Tell me you don’t understand without telling me you don’t understand.

OP likely isn’t resting in those “40hrs,” she also likely isn’t sleeping, and if she had the capacity to work I’m sure she would.

Some SENd parents hang on to employment by the skin of their teeth, and those who can’t - don’t work.

I know that because I’m one of them who does manage to work, and there genuinely are not enough hours in the day. With two of us. And grandparent support. And school.

OP may not have that support around her, and can’t just pull 20hrs out of thin air to go to work, even if she did have the capacity.

Not to mention giving up your secure home for an insecure house where you could be turfed out at any time with a severely autistic child.

Even if OP could work 20 hours a week, where is pp that it would afford a detached private rental? We don't know where OP lives.

You have complained about the remark so many times, it shows that you are vindictive, and unable to be social to anyone.

You have the affrontary to tell me you agree with my advice to contact the EASS, Astonishing. Are you saying that anyone who posts on here needs your approval or the advice is wrong? Who are you?

I repeat: this thread is NOT about the special needs category and what autism is and what the symptoms are. All 'cases' are so different.

The thread IS about a desperate mother asking if she should give in to her new NDN or try to resolve the situation. She is not alone, so there must be organisations who can help her. It is about tolerance to a great degree: would the NDN be happier if the DS had Tourettes syndrome, for example. Now catigate me for that. You are like the proverbial dog who won't let go of the bone.

There is no doubt that posters who constantly and repeatedly cannot let go when their remarks are unacceptable. What do you want me to do? I used an unfortunate expression once. I used it because so many posters were beginning to take the side of the NDN who did consider the behaviour 'bad'. In fact, I don't think I was the only one, but you picked on me and over and over and over again you have accused me of wrong.

You think eventually I shall give in and agree with you? Do you make a habit of trying to persuade posters to change their mind?

Because it's an example of the ignorance in black and white.

Of course the thread has partly become about what severe autism is when some posters are ignorant about it and suggest things that simply aren't appropriate.

No? I'm simply saying that I don't disagree with everything you have said. Never mind.

You have engaged with me just as much and respond to my comments every time and I'm not exactly holding a gun to your head. If I'm a dog that won't let go of the bone then you are exactly the same.

No, I think it's very clear where you stand on this issue but if you engage with me then don't be surprise if I respond in return. If you don't want to engage with me, don't. I'm not stopping you.

That poster you responded to thinks there are places 'waiting in the wings' for each need.

She could have put it in a better way than she did, and what she said must be very upsetting to the OP.

It is possible the OP does worry about what can happen when he is stronger. Do posters need to spell it out to her quite so crudely?

I don't know how mothers are able to cope with disabled children. I admire them greatly, but there are far more people who do not understand, and far too many posters on here who think she is being unreasonable. They are probably the same people who complain when their Council Tax goes up!

There is no doubt that you grow a stronger backbone when you go on the site and see how your posts are accepted. That is more beneficial than the posters on either side realise.

They both have the same problem. The NDN is in a better position to rectify her part. To start she could buy herself a good BOSE 'earmuff'. It is supposed to deaden noise. She won't, of course. The attitude usually is why should I buy something when it isn't my fault? sort of thing.

If I hadn't been on the receiving end of some very nasty neighbours, I would find it more difficult to believe, but I have, and there is danger here to the OP, and moving her again is not the answer.

Finish the bone and bury it.

See, you respond to me every time....then complain when I simply respond back.

It's odd.

I agree with what you say, but I think it has gone beyond having a conversation, and I think that could make things worse, because of the vulnerability of the OP.

The OP says she takes in parcels, so she has proved herself to be honest and well meaning. That is shown by the fact that the NDN doesn't collect the parcels herself, but sends her DC, so I would think there is a bit of guilt there. The danger is that a conversation without a mediator could degenerate into a slanging match which will kill discussion for good.

This thread has become a forum for spite, instead of one intended to help the OP, and it must be very discouraging. Some are so bad that I wonder if they are not at the direction of the NDN. Very few posts are helpful, and those that are are attacked by those in favour of the neighbour.

Her moving won’t solve the problem. I can’t think many people wouldn’t be on the phone to the council on the daily if they were woken by screaming at 4.30.

you need to really get up and go downstairs with him or at least let him into your room

Do that. You show yourself up, not me. My reason for responding is that you are a danger to other posters and are trying to force your opinion on others.

You are also giving me an insight into why people behave the way they do, which is good training.

By doing what you are doing it gives posters who read it a broader back. Do you know if it wasn't for posters so determined to influence others, people would not be warned of the characters lurching about, trying to trip them up.

It is posters who do that who make others depressed, ill and unable to work out right from wrong.

Did they make you leave the dark web?

If I'm forcing my opinion on others then so are you. AIBU is about debating and engaging with other posters, that's how it works. If someone responds to me then I'll respond to them.

It's that simple.

No, I am telling the OP what organisations there are available and how to contact them.

You, on the other hand, are criticising me for posts which are directed at the OP because she is asking for help.

You, on the other hand have disregarded the OP's request and launched into a tirade of abuse against some posters who have lived, or are living, with similar situations to her own.

I hope the OP has not read your nasty posts, because I think your intention is to confuse her, berate her, and who knows what she might do next?

I have seen it before, with posters picking on those they think are law abiding and attempting to force them to change their minds. Did they chuck you out of the dark web?

What are you hoping I will do?

I've offered plenty of support to OP and actually understand what she is going through as my child is also disabled. Why would I berate OP? I think you are very confused.

We've been through this already. You're engaging with me so I'm engaging with you.

Responding to someone isn't stalking them.

This is a very short sighted comment. It’s very unlikely you are experiencing the same spectrum of autism as OP’s DC.

My DD has extremely loud meltdowns and there is nothing on earth that will quieten her down before it’s out of her system.

Come on now, stop playing the victim. I'm not stalking you, I'm responding to you because you keep responding to me. Responding to you on a public forum when you are also responding to me isn't even close to the definition of stalking and I'm very clear with what it means under law as I am with what a threat is and I haven't threatened anyone.

I offered advice to the OP too and the support and understanding of also having a disabled child because very few actually understand.

I said that if you respond to my comment then I would respond back. That is very different from saying if you post at all then I will respond.

If I'm such a threatening stalker then again, you don't have to engage with me.

As sympathetic I am to your situation. They also have a right to enjoy their home and sleep. Being woken at 4.30 every day by neighbours isn't ok. I would speak to your association and ask them to find you more appropriate housing you need to be detached really you also don't need this added stress of neighbours complaints