Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

We built a false wall to our neighbours and the whole house was £5000. We went from hearing them change the TV channel to silence.

My neighbour has a little boy with additional needs and he screams non stop in the garden. We’ve actually stopped going outside as you can’t enjoy it at all, I often have to close windows when indoors as it’s so loud and repetitive (she does let him in the garden until 9pm though which I think is maybe too late, he’s quite young). It’s definitely ruining the enjoyment of our own home, however, I have not and will not say anything to our neighbour as I know she probably finds it tough and most likely needs a break. I do wish she didn’t let him in the garden all day every day though!!

You need to move him to a different bedroom away from the adjoining wall. To not do this yabvu.

The excuses you have given for not doing this are very self centred and not considerate of others. You need to compromise.

if you stay as you are then you are recognising that you inconvenience others and just saying tough - Which is not very nice of you.

Op has a 5yr old, the kids in the other house are teenagers and she is a renter too. I'm council she won't be able to move just like that for one. I do think she could be doing more, ie taking him into her room even a couple mornings a week and asking about funding for soundproofing. What really gets me is that because the house is ha and not owned she's getting more shite piled on her.

Can you please explain how me not putting him into a room where specialist equipment such as a specialist bed that doesn’t fit, is very unreasonable when it literally doesn’t physically work?

I’m not sure where this has come from but sadly he’s not a 5 year old :( he’s 9 now

Exactly, a consistent lack of sleep actually makes me very unwell with fatigue and anxiety and sometimes the shakes. i’m also unable to do my job - which is not a life or death type role but it does require a lot of brain power sometimes - and I can barely function at all beyond ordering takeaways if my sleep is off. Can’t cook, socialise etc. as someone who is ND myself my brain is often working very hard to get regular tasks done, so when I’m sleep deprived over a long period of time it’s just awful.

I had terrible insomnia during the pandemic and had to get signed off for months after a 18 months of 2-4 hours sleeps. On the rare occasions I slept for 6 hours it felt like the jackpot!

I literally can’t sleep with ear plugs and find them incredibly uncomfortable.

I feel some people who are minimising it have either never had disrupted sleep or they’re the type to get back to sleep after a 4.30am wake up call - I’m not! If someone wakes me up at 4.30am for an hour I most likely wouldn’t get back to sleep again.

I don’t know if OP can do anything about it (move rooms?) but no one should be calling this neighbour selfish.

There’s a lot that is unclear for me

wakes 4.30 stays in his room until 5.30 apparently not left to scream but needs constant supervision so where are you 4.30 - 5.30

if the room is too small for him to sleep in, can the 3rd bedroom be used as a sensory room to try and help with his noise ?

it does sound like you’re having a hard time but also have an attitude of it’s tough it’s just the way it is. That I struggle with.

given the level of supervision and the violence from your son I do wonder if residential care would be a better option for both you and your son. Have you considered this?

ultimately, autistic or not, SEN or not, noise at 4.30 am is totally unacceptable and providing your neighbour can prove it is consistently happening which seems she can with ease you and your son are the problem and you will be asked to move not your neighbour

I would not cope well with this at all.

there are varying severities to autism. If ops son doesn’t speak a word ( and so has a very low level of understanding) he must be profoundly disabled. Like my son. You cant tell him to be quiet, they dont understand. Its like telling a baby with colic to stop crying.

Horrendous for your poor neighbour. I don’t know what the answer is.

I sympathise with your situation OP.

However you're coming across as being extremely selfish and inflexible and unprepared to consider compromises.

Everyone on the planet would be at their wits end being woken every sodding morning with horrible screaming noises. It's not selfish to complain. It's not your son's fault but you need to be prepared to compromise and understand your neighbour's perspective.

This is a very balanced response with a good suggestion @PinkChaires

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it does sound like you’re having a hard time but also have an attitude of it’s tough it’s just the way it is. That I struggle with.

And I think this part sums up well the issue with @YourMintReader I had initially thought OP wasn’t being unreasonable but reading her replies and attitude I will now change my vote.

As in, he stays in his room until around 5.30 with me watching him (I don’t want to have to clear up a smear if I can help it and get there first!)

The third bedroom can’t be a sensory room because it’s a tiny box room and just has a bed for overnight care

Op my son sounds the exact same as yours but hes 11 now. He also stims by making loud aghhh noises.

1. sound proof the wall
2. move him away from adjacent walls
3. limit garden use theres really nothing else you can do. If you cant afford a deattached ( like me) you cant have a deattached. I know you cant stop him. Its not fair for everyone involved but as long as you try your best to minimise the noise dont be forever apologetic for having a disabled child. What happens when the next set of neighbours complain?

How so? I have clearly and calmly explained why moving bedrooms doesn’t work, things like that.

I have also stated that I am going to chat with our Occupational Therapist about soundproofing options

What about as a pp suggested moving him to another room between 4.30am and 5.30am?

Sorry you experience this. Yes, the comparison to telling a crying baby with colic to just stop crying is spot on

why cant she move her bedroom? shes the one with the problem

Again can’t can’t can’t

how often is the overnight care? If it’s infrequent or actually even if it’s twice a week get a sofa bed for the carer and move you child away from the neighbours wall at 4.30!

what is so difficult for you to understand that leaving him to make noise at 4.30 am is completely unacceptable. You either find a solution or you’re gunna be evicted.

when you are inevitably asked what you are doing to reduce the noise and you have a plethora of reasons which are pretty weak not going to go well for you is it?

Move to what bedroom though? If it’s a 3 bed house and she has 2 older kids there’s no spare bedrooms. So unless she does a swap and inflicts the bedroom adjacent to Ops wall on one of her kids where can she move to?

For someone thats autistic you clearly have little to no understanding of any other type of autism except your own.

Her child is non verbal so will have very profound autism and cant just be told to stop screaming.

OP, don't move and ignore her, enjoy your house and your garden.
Put your child first, always. Who cares what she thinks?!
I also have a non verbal child who stims. I honestly couldn't give a toss what any of my neighbours think. I try my best and thats what counts.
Stop taking in her parcels as well. Refuse them at the door.

You aren’t listening. You can’t just give overnight carers a sofa bed. You have to have a bedroom available to them. Hence the extra room.

Swap with a kid, change her dining room around. Its her problem to solve.
OP doesn't have spare rooms either. One is too small and the other is hers.

Why don’t you move next to each other seen as neither do you giving a flying fuck how you impact others. Perfect solution for you both and your neighbours