Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

😂

People who don’t want to hear candid opinions should refrain from posting on large discussion fora.

The OP hasn’t indicated that she’s tried any behaviour modification approaches with the child.

Nah I’m sorry. Nobody says fora.

Nobody also allows their child to bite them and bruise them without learning strategies to help them both.

Back to your books about autism please.

You can't both be satisfied in this situation.

Ideally they both should. That way, the noise would be reduced to an acceptable level.

Realistically, since this is a house situation rather than flats with paper walls, if both houses have sound proofing the noise should not be too disruptive.

Noise levels are so subjective, and literally anything can affect enjoyment of one's property- from HS2 to coquerels. The law itself does not set out clear rules and neither can it - because of muddy situations such as these.
The world would be such a better place if we were all less entitled. The mere suggestion that the mother of a highly disabled child needs to "make more effort"... the mind completly boggles.

OP, I really feel for you.

For comparison, this is a thread on a similar situation written by a poster from the other perspective. Her approach is far more reasonable and compassionate.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3901139-Neighbours-son-with-autism-and-all-day-verbal-stimming

Your neighbour is being awful.

This poster should be ashamed of themself, we are not in nazi Germany, don't they think that OP would give her right arm to have a child who sleeps until 6.00/7.00/8.00 am doesn't make a noise and can express himself but it's not what she has to deal with. It's unfortunate for the neighbour but having a go at OP is not helpful.

You keep saying quiet enjoyment of one's home but nobody has the right to a home without noise.

Quiet enjoyment of your home pertains to your landlord not being able to enter or cause nuisance by restricting resources to you.

I've seen you say this quite a few times on this thread and each time you say it you are literally talking about something you've not got a clue about.

Fuck me, I am cringing at a lot of these posts. Of course the neighbour is fed up, who wouldn't be, OP has acknowledged that tonnes of times.

Then you get a person with clearly high functioning ASC come in and berate the OP for not shutting her son up, as though its that easy. We're talking about someone with severe ASC here, non-verbal, will probably have to move and bash and hit and punch and kick and bite and scream and shout and squeal 99% of the time, because ... they have severe ASC. OP has been getting up at 4.30am for years, before that even earlier, give the poor woman some credit, she will be fucking exhausted.

Making comments about working, what do you think she'd rather do, have a healthy son who she could drop off at school everyday and go to work, pick him up, do a hobby, have tea, go to bed, get up at 7am and repeat or be in this situation where she is exhausted, beaten up and left to cope mostly alone?

Making stupid suggestions then acting baffled why she doesn't want an absolute stranger (male of course) sleeping in her bed?

I am so very sorry about these stupid, thick, short sighted individuals who have absolutely no knowledge of ASC, disabilities or the world itself. I am genuinely shocked at the vile comments you've been getting and people simply not reading or comprehending your responses. I am just so sorry this is your life and your beautiful boys life, but I'm glad he is happy most of the time.

Again, of course the neighbour is fed up, but really, do you think OPs going to be offered a secluded, detached 3 bedroom house? I'm so sorry x

^^ I was trying to quote the poster suggesting both sides insulate.

Not sure why it didn't work

Sorry I must have missed this post early but are my eyes actually deceiving me or did you just say that this boy will be a turn off.

A 9 year old boy.

He doesn't exist for the purpose of turning people on, in literally whatever capacity you intended for that statement to come across.

It’s worth this woman baring in mind, she doesn’t meet societal norms.

I’m talking about norms and the social contract, not legal rights.

NOT disturbing the peace, especially in the middle of the night, is the baseline expectation in our society.

🙄
Now you’re grasping at straws. Nothing sexual was of course implied.

The behaviour will turn people off from wanting to be in his presence, clearly is what I meant.

I don't frankly care whether you meant he won't be sexually appealing, whether you're saying he will be unlikeable because of his disability, because his behaviours are off putting to you or he won't be accepted.

He doesn't exist to please other people.

He should not have conformity forced on him so that small minded disgusting people can find him likeable.

There are many people who think he has value and brings joy and can exist in his own right.

The clearly 🙄 backpedal won't work with me.

Life isn't fair, OP is doing her best in a hard situation. The neighbour has the option to sell up and move. I do have sympathy for her, but it's not like OP is purposely being a bad neighbour, having wild parties and smoking pot. In the scale of things the neighbour is at fault for lying about bad language and the length of time the noise continues.

I also think complying with the norm goes both ways and it is, or should be, the norm to accept that some people are never going to be quite like everyone else, and they and their families should be treated with compassion.
What on earth is OP expected to do, gag the child? Give him drugs to keep him asleep longer? If it is not acceptable to make a noise, neither is it acceptable to harangue someone about their autistic child, on a thread where she has asked advice. Saying she must keep him quiet is not helpful advice.

You seem to be ignoring the point that this 9yr old child is completely incapable of meeting those norms or understanding the social contract. From what OP has said about the support she has got in place for him, she will have been fighting for help and therapies/interventions and equipment and human support for him for years. His school and his medical team, hopefully his carers and of course OP herself will all know all about the currently available interventions that can help severely autistic children to navigate the world. And they will have tried everything appropriate and some of it has probably had a positive impact! They will keep going and keep trying and hopefully continue to have a positive impact. But that doesn’t mean OP’s son will ever meet your expectations of normal behavior for his age or ever be able to understand the social contract. As an example perhaps he currently can’t communicate his needs using pictures (eg pointing at a picture of a glass of water to show he’s thirsty) but will learn to do this in time thanks to this Herculean efforts of his mum and his teachers and carers. But maybe he we never learn to ask for water with words, or to sit calmly in a café and drink a cup of tea with a friend then argue about who’s turn it is to pay. He still needs a safe stable home and so does OP.

I know you have said you cannot move rooms but is there anyway you could move walls around so that your child still has the largest room but it was away from the neighbour? Could you do this in conjunction with sound proofing?

Does Your son’s father ever have him to give you (and your neighbours) a break?
Can you just not go back to sleep when your son goes to school?

I was the neighbour in this situation and honestly it nearly gave me a mental breakdown.

Theres something about being forced to live with unreasonable noise that turns you crazy. You can’t control it, can’t relax, can’t enjoy your own home. I became obsessed by it to the point I couldn’t be in my own house which I had put my life savings into. It made me physically and mentally ill and I don’t think anyone who hasn’t been through it understands. There’s a reason noise and sleep depravation are used in torture.

I was sorry for the person struggling but you can’t expect someone to care when you’re pretty much taking away someone’s home from under them. It’s a shame you moved from the original house where it wasn’t an issue really.

Sorry that women is not being unreasonable.

How awful. How long did it go on for? And how was it resolved?

Actually o am very responsible for my mental health but sometimes it’s impossible to do enough. The Person creating the issue or their parent is responsible for not creating a situation where a person, through no fault of their own is left suicidal in their own home.

if a person is creating a situation that makes it impossible for people to live in, the person responsible for that situation needs to alter their behaviour. End of. You don’t appear to understand the situation (and that’s me being charitable)

Totally get you having been there. Even on the rare occasions there isn’t noise your on the edge waiting for it. It’s life destroying

Some of these posts are ridiculous. How many of you would be happy to suddenly be woken at 4.30am every morning and on top of that be told that you need to spend thousands on sound proofing. It’s just not reality! I have a disabled son and it’s hard, and it feels very unfair but he’s MY son and I wouldn’t expect anyone else to suffer. The neighbour isn’t at fault and no 4.30am absolutely isn’t acceptable and expecting soundproofing at the neighbours expense also isn’t an acceptable expectation. The council need to provide suitable accommodations. You have my every sympathy OP and yes I do know how you feel but you need to take every step to make sure the neighbours aren’t suffering and if that means changing bedrooms then so be it.