Loud DC and unhappy neighbour. Would you move?

[YourMintReader]

I moved in 6 weeks ago. Within a week, the neighbour had complained about noise levels from 4.30am in the morning. First with a note through the door, the second time I got a phone call from Housing Association. Quickly resolved when I explained why.

Understandable, but there’s nothing I can do. This is from loud shouting and vocal stims.

She has now complained to the Housing Association that I am letting my son play out for hours on end, screaming. And has added he screams foul language. Quickly proven otherwise by me by emailing over countless documents that mention he doesn’t speak a word.

He does scream, happy and sad screams and different times. But I am absolutely not allowing him out ‘all day’

He goes to school 8am to 4pm return.

His weekend schedule is 4/4.30am - Awake. Downstairs around 5.30am latest. We might leave the house for about 9am. Possibly 2 hours of respite carers out the house for a couple of hours with them.

He would spend about 2 or 3 hours max a day in the garden. Inside no later than 6pm.

My neighbour has also got 2 children, 12 and 15. I have never heard from them but they’re older.

It’s a really small new build development and I think I and one other house are the only housing association tenants.

Would you look to move? I would be against it but cannot see a solution if it doesn’t stop. I can’t feel so worried in my own home.

Bloody awkward as there just isn’t many houses so you can’t blend in at all

Yes, my neighbour's created an issue (teenage noise, they can help it, so a different situation, but same kind of approach - manage it from my end). I'm managing it very successfully from my end. Guess whose unhappy now? They don't like how I handle it as they find it imposes on them. My response to them was basically, "boo hoo." I don't have to manage it so much now. It's amazing how people can find solutions to the apparently unsolvable when they're the ones inconvenienced.

The original neighbour is supposed to spend thousands on moving fees, estate agent fees, mortgage redemption fees possible loss on house value stamp duty? Just because they expect the reasonable enjoyment of their house? Surely the issue is that the Op have moved into an unsuitable property

The OP should have thought about where she was moving to but in her defence she is willing to make appropriate changes to her living arrangements

@YourMintReader

I would stay where you are if she is the only down point. I have a noisy autistic 4 year old next to me. My own autistic teen gets bothered by the noise but we find workarounds and ways to cope , which we always do in ND families, including moving my teen to the room further away from the little one's, the couple living the other side of me with adult son were also very kind to us when my son was very noisy as a small child. We live in fairly new houses with cardboard walls

OP is always going to have incredibly limited housing choices since it's Housing Association.

I suspect that each house needs to be soundproofed - either side of the party wall.

The ndn shouldn’t have to do anything that will cost them money

Exactly.

Back in the '70s, my parents moved into a new council estate.

Our semi-detached house was unproblematic, but the people in a terraced street at right angles to us had a problem with the paper thin walls. People sorted out their own soundproofing...with egg boxes. (Rather flammable I should imagine!) I don't know what they put on top of the egg boxes for a smooth surface, but apparently it really did work.

I'm hoping that the Housing Association would be prepared to provide soundproofing on the OP's side of the party wall, given her circumstances. The neighbour could soundproof her side then, if necessary.

ETA Other posters have rightly mentioned the problem of the cost. I'm wondering whether the HA would be prepared to cover it for the neighbour?

I highly doubt it. I think you'll be lucky if they covered it for OP.

I think a disability type grant from various charities may be able to cover OP's but they likely wouldn't cover it for the neighbour as well.

I agree that residential care may be required if OP is being physically abused to this extent, and the neighbours suffering sleep deprivation. When he hits the growth and strength bursts of puberty and is still biting and hitting, it’s not viable for OP to care for him alone. It will be too dangerous.

Hi OP, I think some of the posters have been brutal and unfair. Yes the neighbours don’t deserve to be woken at 4:30 am but neither do you, but you have done this everyday of of your child’s life you mentioned earlier you get by on only a few hours sleep.
All humans need a reasonable amount of sleep to survive…but not mums of children with disabilities
You mentioned your child regularly assaults you. All humans should not be assaulted….but that does not apply for mums of children with disabilities
You mentioned you have a room with a mattress to address your pain and keep your belongings…..on this thread it is outrageous for a mum with a severely disabled child to have any comforts

Ask the OT for soundproofing and keep asking but that is enough. You are superhuman I could not do what you are doing and I suspect most of the posters could not either

Is it unsuitable because it doesn’t meet her son’s needs, or because it doesn’t meet the neighbours?

Those involved with housing them would likely look at suitability from the perspective of their family, that’s who they’re housing.

Is it big enough, does his equipment fit in it, is there enough outdoor space, can he be kept safe in it.

As houses by default don’t usually come detached and positioned in the middle or nowhere, soundproofed and with specific party wall layouts - that probably won’t have come into it.

OP’s responsibility was to house her family, and HA properties aren’t some sort of pick and mix shop. If it was the right size, and had the relevant amount of space etc, neighbours probably didn’t come into it.

The house is suitable - for them. It’s not suitable for the neighbours, and steps can be taken to mitigate that. But it does meet her son’s needs.

Yes because that is life. Life is not fair, to anyone.
In the grand scheme of things, it's just one of those situations which happens to you, like a neighbour that builds a basement that collapses part of your property, a motorway being built at the bottom of your garden, Japanese knotweed growing in your garden or flammable cladding cutting the value of your flat in half.

It's a pain don't get me wrong - but it's life. None of us are entitled to a pain free life.

The examples you give are in no way near comparable & yes we absolutely are entitled to a pain free life.

My DS is non verbal & makes loud vocal stims, he’s had years of various interventions & nothing has stopped this behaviour - the fact you are able to write out a coherent response here is indicative that there exist very differing support needs

Presumably though you don’t expect your neighbour to have to put up with any continual disturbances & you’ve made the necessary efforts & changes in your home to mitigate it.

We’ve done what we can - we were in the fortunate position to be able to buy a detached home - which was essentially the only thing we could do to mitigate the issue.

Sadly, owing to my son’s support needs, I’ve subsequently lost my job - so I’m fully aware that we may not remain in this fortunate position - like many other parents of disabled children

Only 6 months thankfully but it was the worst 6 months of my life. I actually posted on MN about the effect it had on me and got slagged off with people saying it wasn’t fair to trick someone else into buying the problem.

I did and do sympathise with the parents and the OP but it’s easier to cope with your own noise. Having someone else’s unreasonable noise (whatever it may be) invade your home, personal space, peace and quiet.

I had to be medicated to cope with it. I’m a very reasonable and normal person and had lived with normal noise in the past in numerous houses but this is not normal by any stretch.

My children were woken at all hours of the night. I work shifts so would go to bed exhausted. If I tried to sleep in the day after work I couldn’t as the noise was there. Sitting in the garden trying to relax or listen to the birds- ruined. Could no longer work from home. Just think of anything you enjoy in your home and I couldn’t do it, even the TV had to be on crazy levels to drown it out. Just made awful every aspect of life to the point I was on edge all the time. Even if it was quiet I would be sitting stressing about when it would start again, if I was out I wouldn’t want to go home and would try and find other things to go.

It was akin to mental torture and I’m sure all the people here saying tough or that’s life wouldn’t last 5mins living in that situation.

We listed our house for sale, I was gutted as it was bought from DHs grandmother so very sentimental and we had spent 5 years and every penny renovating it.

We didn’t end up moving in the end, they moved the child, but I still am terrified of it happening again.

There’s a real lack of resilience on this thread.

We're not entitled to a pain or inconvenience free life. That’s genuinely not how life works. We don’t get to live forever with nothing bothering us.

It would be lovely if we did, but nobody lives in an ideal world.

My stepson is shouting right this second because he doesn’t agree with food today. I can still hear the birds, and the tap running in the bathroom.

Nobody is going to get upset because he’s angry about toast.

Ah yes, a bit of shouting at 8:15 is exactly the same as prolonged sleep deprivation. Silly me and my lack of resilience. I’ll go and listen to the birds tweeting and it’ll all be fine.

Resiliance. You’ve no idea the things I’ve been through. How hard I’ve worked to build a nice normal peaceful life from nothing. I am product of an abusive childhood home so no stranger to being impacted by someone else. I’ve probably been more resilient than most of the population thanks.

Nobody knows anything about the neighbour or her life. How do you know she’s not struggling with something else and this has just tipped her over the edge? It’s all about mental health now but only the person with the disabled child’s then? Nobody else is allowed to struggle because someone else’s situation is worse?

You’re on the other end, it’s your child who you love making the racket. Everyone copes and minimises their own child’s noise because it’s theirs. Not the same as listening to someone elses is screaming and stimming at 4am is it really.

It’s not, and sleep deprivation isn’t fine.

But if anyone is living their lives thinking they’re entitled to a disruption free life, boy is the world going to kick you in the arse.

There is a big difference between a temporary or occasional disruption and being woken every single day for an indefinite period of time at 4.30am.

I don’t believe that disabled child is responsible for anyone’s previous hardship, or what they’ve been through in their life, of how close to their existing edge they are.

The two things and two people coexist.

The neighbours may have existing problems. What has that got to do with an autistic child, how are they even close to responsible for their trauma.