Separating from DH with no warning

AndiD87 · 2025-05-15T09:21:31+00:00

Hi All, First time poster and just want some advice. I basically told my DH of 12 years I want to separate. This is a complete shock to him but comes after a row last night where I came back from a 2 day trip, turned on the TV and seen it was on a porn channel - he admitted his been watching it while I was away. My real issue with this is 1) we’ve small kids who could have turned on the TV and found it 2) I find it really uncomfortable knowing the stats for sex trafficking/underage girls forced into it etc and 3) our bedroom antics are in tatters, my self confidence is at an all time low and this just felt like a real blow. I had been trying to make a real effort with our relationship and had in the last month started to wear my wedding ring again so this just felt like a real kick. Previous marriage issues involved: - my utter frustration at carrying the mental load but especially all the financial stress and decisions for the house (I earn double his income but really hate the pressure of sorting out all finances, making all decisions etc - don’t fee like a partner more like his mum). He is a great dad and does a lot of housework etc - it’s just all decisions are my responsibility and I am drowning under the pressure with a stressful job, 2 small kids and caring for a family member. I’ve begged him to take some decisions off me but alas he doesn’t - We had a bad period where he was really pressuring me for sex, this really damaged our relationship, my self esteem and my trust. After explaining to him how awful his behaviour was he completely stopped all the pressure and is very considerate now, however I don’t know I’ve really dealt with my feelings on this and it’s only know looking back I can elements of this type of behaviour where there at the start but not as serious - early in the marriage he was fired from his job for misconduct (broke a law) which caused 2 years of complete stress and he completely lost my trust as i never would have thought he could be so wreck-less and risk our future I’m not painting him in the best light but last night broke me and I just feel I can’t go on as when we are just back on track something else happens YABU - last night was minor and your overreacting YANBU - last night was disrespectful and my feelings are justified given the history

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/05/2025 10:29

You’ve done it so it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks. If he’s a good dad he can continue being one after separating from you.

Nina1013 · 15/05/2025 10:32

My only thought was if he’s respectful of your boundaries and not pressuring you for sex, the watching porn/pleasuring himself is arguably him meeting his own needs while respecting yours.

I think it’s difficult to say you’re upset that he’s essentially being aroused by others when you (over simplification) don’t want him to be aroused by you.

Personally I hate porn, but it’s very commonly watched and the majority are ok with it. I can’t say I would be able to be hurt by it if I was the one taking sex off the table - where it’s really hurtful is where one person wants to have sex, the other claims they have no/low sex drive and then they’re caught watching porn. Which isn’t the case here.

I think you’re mentally done with your marriage and this is just the final tipping point - otherwise no, I don’t think this is a big deal at all in itself.

Purplecatshopaholic · 15/05/2025 10:32

Your feelings are your feelings and are valid. You sound exhausted; it’s a bit like you have three kids not two, and being on your own might well be easier. You could try counselling either together or alone to talk things through? Legal advice now too.

Limth · 15/05/2025 10:41

Life is short and precious.

Don't spend it with someone you're not happy with.

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 10:55

Hmmm, if you're separating from your DH because of him watching porn on the TV while you were away for a weekend, & when you're not up for consensual sex in the bedroom much when you're around, then you're being stupid imho. Like really stupid.

If you're separating for the other reasons mentioned (stress, lack of decision making, haven't forgiven him for losing his job 6 yrs ago, evidence of loss of respect, lack of libido etc, etc) then maybe fair enough.

However, I'd try counselling first myself if I were you before you go totally disrupting your and all of your families' lives due to 'apparently' irreconcilable differences.

P.s. I would really like to hear his side of this story on this, I'd say it could be very enlightening...

Spinachpastapicker · 15/05/2025 10:58

People may say you’re over reacting but I feel this is a “straw that broke the camel’s back” situation, you’ve just had enough and are done. As pp said, he can still be a Dad.

I would probably have been “out” at the law breaking/sex pressure part so he’s had plenty chances.

TomatoSandwiches · 15/05/2025 11:17

It's not really about the porn itself he sounds like a complete let down, a weight around your neck, you've had enough of him and I don't blame you.

Like @AnneLovesGilbert said, he can still be a good dad to the children if you aren't together.

2024onwardsandup · 15/05/2025 11:20

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 10:55

Hmmm, if you're separating from your DH because of him watching porn on the TV while you were away for a weekend, & when you're not up for consensual sex in the bedroom much when you're around, then you're being stupid imho. Like really stupid.

If you're separating for the other reasons mentioned (stress, lack of decision making, haven't forgiven him for losing his job 6 yrs ago, evidence of loss of respect, lack of libido etc, etc) then maybe fair enough.

However, I'd try counselling first myself if I were you before you go totally disrupting your and all of your families' lives due to 'apparently' irreconcilable differences.

P.s. I would really like to hear his side of this story on this, I'd say it could be very enlightening...

Huge majority of women and girls (yep under age) are trafficked and forced to do porn. So anyone who watches porn and is aroused by it doesn’t care about that.

its not harmless watching pictures - it’s watching real live women and girls being exploited.

2024onwardsandup · 15/05/2025 11:21

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 10:55

Hmmm, if you're separating from your DH because of him watching porn on the TV while you were away for a weekend, & when you're not up for consensual sex in the bedroom much when you're around, then you're being stupid imho. Like really stupid.

If you're separating for the other reasons mentioned (stress, lack of decision making, haven't forgiven him for losing his job 6 yrs ago, evidence of loss of respect, lack of libido etc, etc) then maybe fair enough.

However, I'd try counselling first myself if I were you before you go totally disrupting your and all of your families' lives due to 'apparently' irreconcilable differences.

P.s. I would really like to hear his side of this story on this, I'd say it could be very enlightening...

Also - men can live without sex

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 11:49

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ForAquaMember · 15/05/2025 11:54

I’ve read some previous comments saying it would be silly to break up over this but…

I would do the same to be honest. He knows your boundaries and has disrespected them. You’re not silly for feeling this way OP.

It sounds like this way the last straw for you and to be honest, he sounds like a rubbish partner x

Original poster

AndiD87 · 15/05/2025 11:55

Thanks all.

Our sex drives are mismatched for sure but I think my low libido is really due to all the stress and the fact that any date nights/holidays etc are all booked by me - while he would like more sex there is no/little effort to improve things.

I get that many people watch porn - and if I had found out he was watching ethically sourced porn in a spare room - it would have been a non issue really to be honest, it’s more me having to see it come up on our living room TV, the concern that the kids could have seen it and that the girl was clearly young (I get it was a TV channel so what came up wasn’t chosen by him but still).

someone described it as the final straw and I think that is maybe it …. I’m exhausted and don’t feel i’ve any energy left in me to keep fighting for this marriage maybe

I do love him but it just feels like the effort is too much for me right now. Two small kids to consider who idolise him and financially it would be a real stretch for him to support himself too so i just few so guilty and that I should just stay as would be easier …. My head is wrecked thinking it over

OP posts:

2024onwardsandup · 15/05/2025 11:56

He’s not your responsibility

2024onwardsandup · 15/05/2025 11:58

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You think that it’s the men who are being exploited when they are watching trafficked women?

Croquembouchiere · 15/05/2025 11:59

Yanbu - like you, if it was ethical porn in a spare room, I'd be fine with it. It's the whole history and recklessness for the sake of a cheap wank session which would be the final straw. Makes him sound like a man child.

And the pp who thinks the lonely men are the ones being exploited by porn....are you joking?

MintChocCat · 15/05/2025 12:00

OP - have you tried marriage counselling?

It sounds like there are a lot of (valid) underlying relationship issues. However, it sounds as though he was trying to meet his own needs. I agree he shouldn’t have been accessing it from shared TV with children though.

It’s up to you ultimately.

ForAquaMember · 15/05/2025 12:00

AndiD87 · 15/05/2025 11:55

Thanks all.

Our sex drives are mismatched for sure but I think my low libido is really due to all the stress and the fact that any date nights/holidays etc are all booked by me - while he would like more sex there is no/little effort to improve things.

I get that many people watch porn - and if I had found out he was watching ethically sourced porn in a spare room - it would have been a non issue really to be honest, it’s more me having to see it come up on our living room TV, the concern that the kids could have seen it and that the girl was clearly young (I get it was a TV channel so what came up wasn’t chosen by him but still).

someone described it as the final straw and I think that is maybe it …. I’m exhausted and don’t feel i’ve any energy left in me to keep fighting for this marriage maybe

I do love him but it just feels like the effort is too much for me right now. Two small kids to consider who idolise him and financially it would be a real stretch for him to support himself too so i just few so guilty and that I should just stay as would be easier …. My head is wrecked thinking it over

As a mum I always imagine what I’d say to my child in this position.

if you have a daughter would you be happy for her to be in a relationship with a man like this?

Gettingbysomehow · 15/05/2025 12:01

He sounds very much like my exH OP. Getting rid of him was the best thing I ever did.

MightyGoldBear · 15/05/2025 12:07

Yes I would end the relationship in this situation too. I would end it purely over the pornography let alone all the years of other disrespect/ not supporting you/the family.

I also don't think it's acceptable to blame the partner who for many reasons isn't wanting sex that it's their fault their partner is then watching pornography and masturbating. What an unattractive thing to be doing. Where's the patience the working together the understanding. Men don't don't die without pornography and orgasms. Having a healthy sex life should be something that is pursued together with both being on the same page. Not entitlement and coercion.

ERthree · 15/05/2025 12:15

The porn on the tv is obviously the straw that has broken the camels back. There really is no need for you to stay together. If he really is a good Dad then he will make sure he is there for his children once he leaves. Please concentrate on organising your home life for once he has gone. Don't live a miserable life any longer.

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 12:20

MightyGoldBear · 15/05/2025 12:07

Yes I would end the relationship in this situation too. I would end it purely over the pornography let alone all the years of other disrespect/ not supporting you/the family.

I also don't think it's acceptable to blame the partner who for many reasons isn't wanting sex that it's their fault their partner is then watching pornography and masturbating. What an unattractive thing to be doing. Where's the patience the working together the understanding. Men don't don't die without pornography and orgasms. Having a healthy sex life should be something that is pursued together with both being on the same page. Not entitlement and coercion.

"...Having a healthy sex life ideally should be something that is pursued together with both being on the same page.

There is currently no entitlement and coercion in evidence here."

☆ added these for you

If she doesn't want sex so often, I think it's perfectly reasonable for her DH to watch porn while she's away for a weekend tbh.

2024onwardsandup · 15/05/2025 12:23

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 12:20

"...Having a healthy sex life ideally should be something that is pursued together with both being on the same page.

There is currently no entitlement and coercion in evidence here."

☆ added these for you

If she doesn't want sex so often, I think it's perfectly reasonable for her DH to watch porn while she's away for a weekend tbh.

Show quote history

with the issue of exploitation in porn a red herring because….because…..it’s just better to ignore that one

Zebedee999 · 15/05/2025 12:30

Nina1013 · 15/05/2025 10:32

My only thought was if he’s respectful of your boundaries and not pressuring you for sex, the watching porn/pleasuring himself is arguably him meeting his own needs while respecting yours.

I think it’s difficult to say you’re upset that he’s essentially being aroused by others when you (over simplification) don’t want him to be aroused by you.

Personally I hate porn, but it’s very commonly watched and the majority are ok with it. I can’t say I would be able to be hurt by it if I was the one taking sex off the table - where it’s really hurtful is where one person wants to have sex, the other claims they have no/low sex drive and then they’re caught watching porn. Which isn’t the case here.

I think you’re mentally done with your marriage and this is just the final tipping point - otherwise no, I don’t think this is a big deal at all in itself.

Spot on. I find it odd OP takes sex off the table then is upset when DH watches porn.
But it seems there are other issues too.

MightyGoldBear · 15/05/2025 12:33

ThatDaringEagle · 15/05/2025 12:20

"...Having a healthy sex life ideally should be something that is pursued together with both being on the same page.

There is currently no entitlement and coercion in evidence here."

☆ added these for you

If she doesn't want sex so often, I think it's perfectly reasonable for her DH to watch porn while she's away for a weekend tbh.

Show quote history

Respectfully I disagree. But either way it's the op who is in the relationship. It doesn't seem she feels cherished or chosen. Supported or respected. Perhaps she might feel that more with a partner who shares her same views and priorities in life.

jeaux90 · 15/05/2025 12:39

Good for you OP sounds like your life would better co-parenting if he’s capable