Separating from DH with no warning

[AndiD87]

Hi All,

First time poster and just want some advice.

I basically told my DH of 12 years I want to separate. This is a complete shock to him but comes after a row last night where I came back from a 2 day trip, turned on the TV and seen it was on a porn channel - he admitted his been watching it while I was away. My real issue with this is 1) we’ve small kids who could have turned on the TV and found it 2) I find it really uncomfortable knowing the stats for sex trafficking/underage girls forced into it etc and 3) our bedroom antics are in tatters, my self confidence is at an all time
low and this just felt like a real blow.

I had been trying to make a real effort with our relationship and had in the last month started to wear my wedding ring again so this just felt like a real kick.

Previous marriage issues involved:

• my utter frustration at carrying the mental load but especially all the financial stress and decisions for the house (I earn double his income but really hate the pressure of sorting out all finances, making all decisions etc - don’t fee like a partner more like his mum). He is a great dad and does a lot of housework etc - it’s just all decisions are my responsibility and I am drowning under the pressure with a stressful job, 2 small kids and caring for a family member. I’ve begged him to take some decisions off me but alas he doesn’t
• We had a bad period where he was really pressuring me for sex, this really damaged our relationship, my self esteem and my trust. After explaining to him how awful his behaviour was he completely stopped all the pressure and is very considerate now, however I don’t know I’ve really dealt with my feelings on this and it’s only know looking back I can elements of this type of behaviour where there at the start but not as serious
• early in the marriage he was fired from his job for misconduct (broke a law) which caused 2 years of complete stress and he completely lost my trust as i never would have thought he could be so wreck-less and risk our future

I’m not painting him in the best light but last night broke me and I just feel I can’t go on as when we are just back on track something else happens

YABU - last night was minor and your overreacting
YANBU - last night was disrespectful and my feelings are justified given the history

Your feelings are always valid, they are how you feel. You do not need permission from society to split up, if you really have reached the end for you then that is your decision.

Have you considered what you want / expect life to look like after you separate? You will still have all the financial and logistical strain of managing a household with two children, will him not being there make that easier or harder? (Genuine question BTW). Who will look after the children? Where will you live, how about schools? I’d spend some time thinking about what that future will realistically look like, and how that feels to you. If it feels better, like a relief ect then you have your answer.

You will still have to know what bills are due for your own household and when and how much if you separate.

You will still have to cook, clean, do the food shopping, look after your children and run your own household (and work).

You will also have to organise pick ups and drop offs for weekends and potentially afterschool visits. Organising and co-parenting with a parent that doesn’t live with you, who will likely have to increase his own hours at work and may get a new girlfriend to also take up his time and mental “bandwidth”.

I don’t think that will be stress-free to be honest.

Of course if you are truly miserable and incompatible then it would be worth the extra load to be rid of him, but it sounds as though you are exhausted and feel under-supported and there may actually be other solutions here to consider.

Huge majority of women and girls (yep under age) are trafficked and forced to do porn

It is not anything like a 'huge majority' at all. Statistically, it's pretty rare in pornography, not least because putting trafficked women on camera creates an evidence trail for prosecution and makes them much more easily traceable.

And on a mainstream TV porn channel it will almost certainly be zero. They will be professional, consenting performers.

Obviously even one person being trafficked and coerced into doing anything is too many, but you are a lot more likely to encounter someone who has been trafficked, coerced or exploited working in a nail bar, at a car wash, in fast food kitchens, working as a cleaner, or working in the garment, agricultural or construction trades than you are in mainstream pornography.

Of course it's perfectly reasonable to disagree with the existence of porn for all sorts of reasons, but I see the 'the majority of porn is full of trafficked teenage girls' line on Mumsnet a lot, and it's a long way from being correct. I think in a lot of cases, people say that because they don't (for some reason - I don't know why) simply want to say either a) that they don't want their husband looking at video clips of other women or b) they don't think anyone should be able to make a living from providing a sexual service.

Anyway - OP, you can leave your husband for any reason you like. Personally, I think watching porn while you're out of the house is the least of your problems, especially if you have a low libido - to me, the other things you've mentioned are much more significant. But if the porn is a dealbreaker for you and not something you can tolerate, you're entitled to leave him over that alone.

I'm assuming you had previously made your feelings clear about porn, and that he knew it was one of your dealbreakers?

There are a lot of kids activities bills, weekly childcare bills (vary week to week so can’t be DD) but really i guess I hate the pressure of making all financial decisions like do we have the money for xyz, I organise all our pensions, investments etc.

basically I hate being the adult while he literally has no clue if we have £10 or £10000 in our account today.

he’ll often say let’s go on holidays here or let’s book xyz but has no clue if we can or can’t afford it

I think it makes sense that op doesn't want to be intimate with someone who isn't treating her well or stepping up in his marriage.

If he wanted to have a more sexually compatible relationship with op then as far as I can tell she's told him what she needs from him. But he's continuing not to step up and is using porn as a sticky plaster to manage his libido instead of managing his marriage.

Op I think you need to think about how explicitly you've explained to him the connection between the intimacy issues and the other issues in the marriage and his role in your partnership? If he doesn't understand that then tbh (because in my mind ending a marriage when kids are involved is huge) I would go for couples counselling/mediation purely to confirm that you've expressed to him everything he needs to understand you and communicate your needs in the relationship. You don't need to be 'together' to do this, if you need space from him take it and do this alongside.

But ultimately op if you're done you're done and no one here has any right to tell you otherwise. Only you know what capacity you have left and it sounds like you're completely burnt out. What support do you have just for you while you go through this?

There is a vast, vast range of porn out there, and without knowing exactly what the OP's husband was watching, you have no idea whether it involved anyone being brutalised. It's highly, highly unlikely that it did, if it was on an adult TV channel.

Saying that 'porn is just women being brutalised' is a bit like saying 'pubs are just alcoholics drinking themselves to death' or 'motor sport is just drivers dying in burning cars'.

As I said in my other post, it's perfectly fine and valid to have objections to porn - there are plenty of reasons anyone might have a problem with it. But I see so much oddly massive exaggeration about it on Mumsnet.

The porn is horrible but that on its own doesn’t seem to me enough to warrant a divorce. The deeper issues seem to be the main problem.

Have you actually told him specifically what you would like him to take responsibility for, and then left him to do it? Is there a possibility that you have fallen into the trap of choosing to do everything yourself and then resenting the fact that he hasn’t done them, or that if he does do something you criticise it because it wasn’t done as well as you would have done it?

Perhaps you need to directly educate him: I’m leaving DC's birthday up to you this year, here’s a list of things that need to be considered; let’s schedule a joint look at our finances the first Saturday of every month - could you take over sorting out childcare payments? etc. etc.

Ultimately if his past behaviour means that you no longer like this man and you no longer want to share a house and a life with him, then it's time to throw in the towel rather than spend the next 20 years together in an resentful, affection-less partnership.

You are being taken for granted, and you know it.

Ask yourself - what do you gain from being in this relationship? If the answer is along the lines of your husband being the father of your children, and you don’t want to upset the kids, then I think you’re wrong. Your children’s environment is likely to be more peaceful if you split up and co-parent.

Or consider the opposite alternative - you don’t split up. What does life look like in five/ten years time? My guess is that you’ll be even more frazzled, the kids will be exposed to more negativity at home, you’ll be taken for granted in all sorts of ways. Etc. And in the meantime, you’re denying yourself the chance of a better life.

I'm delighted my post is helping you see things from a different perspective.

I bring a lot to the table in my marriage. I work part time & organise certain things like holidays, birthdays, Christmas gifts etc. As far as finances go my DH takes care of that in every respect. We have a joint account but I trust him to take care of what goes in & out. It makes sense to accept we both bring different attributes to the marriage. My DH is great with the children but I more or less attend to there every need. He he does occasional housework but I'm sure he couldn't work the washing machine. He earns far more than me. I think what I'm trying to say is if he told me he was ending our marriage because I never got involved with finances, or other stuff he is left to do I'd be devastated. On the other side Id love him to surprise me with organising a holiday,nights out, doing a washing etc but as frustrating as it can be I'd never leave him because he didn't satisfy 100% of my unachievable expectations. He is an amazing father,the children wouldn't be without him for a day & we love each other. That's worth more than our occasional frustrations with each other. I hope you can both work things out. If in the end it's not to be then at least you've both tried.

You could if it was just the sex , offer to help him out in that area ( hand job ) only takes a few minutes , even if you were tired ,If he was helpful , supportive , good husband and father.
He isn't those things so why should you ?
I understand that he would watch porn if he wasnt having regular sex. You couldn't expect a man to go without.
Having it on the TV and not bothering to switch it off after watching and risking the children seeing it is not acceptable.
Was he embarrassed?
If you were no longer married would you miss him? Can you be happier without him as life is too short ?

It's amazing how many people on here are perfectly fine with male domestic incompetence. How do any men ever cope living al9ne, I wonder?

Nope. It's weaponised. If you don't know how to do something, you ask. Can't remember? Write it down. Don't know what shopping to get in? Make and keep lists. Difficulty scheduling household jobs? There are so many apps for that.

If you can't be bothered to learn and try - yes, you're a man-child. None of it is rocket science.

OP, you should also look into scheduling and planning apps, they will help you.

That’s his own choice though! Also not all porn consists of women being forced into it ffs. Far from it! But regardless, it’s up to him what he watches. Of course we’re entitled to get the ‘ick’ from it but no partner has the right to forbid it or be angry about it, just because they don’t agree with it themselves. Male or female. Married or not.
To give an example, I would be hugely turned off a bloke who watched that chavvy show ‘Love Island’ or ‘The Only Way is Essex’ (and similar atrocities) but I’ve no right to forbid it; And no, I’m not comparing porn to Love Island or TOWIE(!) I’m comparing the principle of the two scenarios.

@motheroffive999 On a lighter note I'm still laughing at your first paragraph
😂😂😂I hope the OP is too.Sometimes you just have to laugh😂

@BigHeadBertha did you just reply to yourself? 😁

You couldn’t expect a man to go without

is the reason why at this current moment millions and millions and millions of women and girls across the globe are being trafficked and sexually exploited

men not going without means making wome

He sounds like another child you have to organise. Yes I’m sure he is nice and does things round the house when asked. But he is not your partner, he is a chore. Lovely as he is personality wise, he leaves everything to you happily. Happy to see you drown, he must know you are struggling.

He sounds utterly useless.

FYI you can care about someone but not be married / financially entangled with them. What does he bring to your life?

Then there is this:
early in the marriage he was fired from his job for misconduct (broke a law) which caused 2 years of complete stress and he completely lost my trust as i never would have thought he could be so wreck-less and risk our future

That would have been it for me. Out of curiosity why did you choose to stay with him after he broke a law and lost a good job?? How old were your kids at that point?

Honestly I felt sorry for him and was really worried about him for him from a mental health point of view. I felt I couldn’t leave him at his very lowest when prior to this he had been an ideal partner in every sense (we had no kids at that time)

You had your kids AFTER he lost his job for breaking the law?

Are you sure you aren't guilty of wanting to be in charge? Thinking you can do it better and not giving him the chance. I know I am guilty of this sometimes and then it becomes a habit. Like buying all the birthday presents and organising the party.

Your pov is part of the problem as to why men are continually let off from the mundane aspects of daily house work and the increase of responsibilities that come with having children.

There can't be many women whose husband is 'ideal' in all aspects of marriage. If this Mr 'perfect in every way' exists he's probably divorced due to being too nice when there are 'bad boys' out there who are far more enticing. If you do end up divorced OP I've no doubt you will meet them on your journey for perfection. I genuinely hope not.

Might I just point out it won’t be him doing it all himself half the time, he’ll find the kids a stepmum who’ll do some of the stuff you currently do. Obviously there’ll be a compromise in there somewhere, maybe her wage won’t be as good as yours, or maybe she’ll be less attractive or intelligent than you, but honestly he’ll just be glad to find the help again. If you seperate make sure you consider step family will be part of your kids life and husband won’t feel any different (ie he won’t be wishing he was back together because he’s so tired from all the life admin, he’ll be indifferent since he has someone else to do it for him now).

I’ll certainly think on this point too for sure!

thanks for all the opinions - many have struck a cord.

We’ve planned to have a discussion over the weekend so I think I’ll actually put it all on the table and see how we move forward and give things one last proper try - someone pointed out while it may be better for me it will really cause upheaval for the kids and based on this I think I need to really give it a shot before I can say I tried everything.

thanks all, I’m going to stop posting but appreciate yeh advice received.