Separating from DH with no warning

[AndiD87]

Hi All,

First time poster and just want some advice.

I basically told my DH of 12 years I want to separate. This is a complete shock to him but comes after a row last night where I came back from a 2 day trip, turned on the TV and seen it was on a porn channel - he admitted his been watching it while I was away. My real issue with this is 1) we’ve small kids who could have turned on the TV and found it 2) I find it really uncomfortable knowing the stats for sex trafficking/underage girls forced into it etc and 3) our bedroom antics are in tatters, my self confidence is at an all time
low and this just felt like a real blow.

I had been trying to make a real effort with our relationship and had in the last month started to wear my wedding ring again so this just felt like a real kick.

Previous marriage issues involved:

• my utter frustration at carrying the mental load but especially all the financial stress and decisions for the house (I earn double his income but really hate the pressure of sorting out all finances, making all decisions etc - don’t fee like a partner more like his mum). He is a great dad and does a lot of housework etc - it’s just all decisions are my responsibility and I am drowning under the pressure with a stressful job, 2 small kids and caring for a family member. I’ve begged him to take some decisions off me but alas he doesn’t
• We had a bad period where he was really pressuring me for sex, this really damaged our relationship, my self esteem and my trust. After explaining to him how awful his behaviour was he completely stopped all the pressure and is very considerate now, however I don’t know I’ve really dealt with my feelings on this and it’s only know looking back I can elements of this type of behaviour where there at the start but not as serious
• early in the marriage he was fired from his job for misconduct (broke a law) which caused 2 years of complete stress and he completely lost my trust as i never would have thought he could be so wreck-less and risk our future

I’m not painting him in the best light but last night broke me and I just feel I can’t go on as when we are just back on track something else happens

YABU - last night was minor and your overreacting
YANBU - last night was disrespectful and my feelings are justified given the history

It wouldn’t bother me if my partner watched porn in itself however when it is added up with all this history it would bother me. Plus the fact it was left on telly so the kids could have watched it.

The porn is the tip of the iceberg.

You haven't got a partnership, you haven't got a man who you can rely on, he won't take responsibility seriously. He happily allows for you to take on more responsibilities.

I don't blame you not feeling attracted to him or interested in sex. Once you take on the role of their mother, attraction disappeared.

He constantly fails to meet your needs. Can he change? It is possible, if HE puts the work in, but that takes effort.

If he picked up his share of the mental load, the op would feel less stressed and likely be more inclined to have more sex.
He would rather watch porn than do any of the adulting.

I wouldn't end a marriage and break up a family over the porn thing.

You say that he's a great dad, does most of the housework etc but you're exhausted from making decisions. What does that mean? On the face of it having to book holidays and date nights doesn't seem like a big deal. It strikes me that you're basically in the traditional breadwinner "head of the household" role here - is that what bothers you? That you feel he should earn the same or more than you and you shouldn't have to make financial decisions for the family? Does he have any input into decision making or does he truly leave it all to you and never venture an opinion?

I can't see how there could be so many decisions to make that it's all so burdensome but obviously you feel how you feel

For those commenting on the lack of sex- the OP states they have sex 3-5 times a month which is about average according to an article in menshealth (can't link to it but google if you're interested) The OP is hardly 'frigid', just a tired mother of young kids struggling with a husband who isn't bearing his share of the mental load.

I think there is a bit of conflicting and irrelevant stuff here like the kids potentially turning on the TV amd you not liking porn but it not being a hard boundary vs the grossness of him pressuring for sex and not being a man in the sense of stepping up and being proactive in life, while doing stupid stuff at work because he knows you're the safety net due to earnings and mum positioning.

Basically I think its a straw that broke the camels back moment and you're mentally done working on it and ready for a new chapter.

Good for you OP!! What a woman. I like to think if I was ever in that situation I would be tough enough to do the same. I have a feeling you will feel lighter and happier.

@AnneLovesGilbert is right. You don't have to stay with him for him to be a good dad - that's up to him.

He doesn't sound like a good partner.

Good on you OP for taking the decision.

It sounds like you have been unhappy for a while and the porn thing was just the last straw.

I suspect not only is the OP the "breadwinner* but she's also doing most of the SAHP role as well.

He has ruined his career,
He has a wife who resents him and has not forgave him for a mistake he made 5 years ago.
And he possibly feel emasculated.

Could he be suffering from low self esteem?

I think a previous poster hit the nail on the head. Deep down you resent him for not earning enough and for you talking on the traditional husband role.

Making him book counselling or whatever hoops you want him to jump is just setting him up for failure.

Your choice is either accept you will always take the mental load and move on from the past OR find someone more your equal and for him to find someone who respects him.

Yes this!

I didn’t articulate it well but yes I guess this is it.

I have a busy pressured job but it pays very well. On top of this though I run the house and every single admin job that comes with running a house/ raising kids, organising childcare, attend all school plays, medical apps etc.

Husband will take kids to activities, great at organising days out for them, will cook 2-3 evenings a week (meals I have shopped for), does bedtime every second evening.

But it’s the entire mental load of my job, the kids, house, sick family member and the resentment of all the issues in the past that I feel I am drowning under and for 2 years I have said this - it’s not really new news but last night really just hit me that things aren’t changing.

If you think seeking marriage counseling is exhausting, just wait 'til you get a load of single parenthood. Smarten up, girl.

I've been married for decades and as an older person, I will guarantee you that ALL marriages hit low spots and ALL spouses behave ridiculously now and then, including you, right now.

Sorry, but you are being a lightweight and you will carry a very heavy load for it.

Marriage. Counseling. Now.

You're welcome.

Straw that broke the camels back situation, it could have been leaving a teaspoon on the worktop that was enough for you. Of course you don’t want sex when you’re doing everything and carrying him through life. Leave, enjoy the freedom and let him step up and realise what he was neglecting and how much Yoi did,

If you’re done you’re done.
You don’t have to justify yourself to anyone.
It sounds like this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Please don't be an apologist for porn. It's disgusting.(Because of the human right buses involved) If he wants to get off why can't he use his imagination?

YABU on the porn but you are NBU to leave him as you have obviously fallen out of love with him and could be more content on your own.

Obviously posters here, including me, have nothing to go on other than the points you have made in your post OP.

You say you have been putting up with things you are dissatisfied with yet you married a man knowing you were going to be the main breadwinner with better organisational skills.

You say he is a great father,does loads of housework and the children idolise him,yet you are frustrated because he is not good with organising finances or making decisions.

You are thinking of leaving him yet you've been having sex with him at least once sometimes twice a week and you love him.

You have a stressful job, 2 small children & you care for a family member & you say you are exhausted. If there was ever a marriage that is crying out for counselling before throwing in the towel it's this one.

The porn on the TV was no doubt meant to be a private situation. He had full responsibility of the house & children when you were away on a trip. He no doubt felt stressed on his own with 2 young ones as would you. He should have changed channels ensuring the children were not subjected to this. It was a mistake with thankfully no consequences.

He sounds far from perfect although from what you say here I don't feel its enough to break up a family. Minor changes with the help of counselling could solve many of the issues you describe.

Straw that broke the camels back!!

I honestly think you will be better off out. forget that it will cause him isues - that literally becomes a "him issue" not a "you issue"

i know a PP said you are better of remaining married, but i highly disagree, the kids at some point will start to pick up on the resentment and it will have an effect on them. 2 seperate but amicably co-parenting parents is the better option.

(not to sound trite but... Get your ducks in a row- sort out the finanaces etc. I suppose give him a chance to book couples councelling and give it a go if he does so - suggest all this through email, so that when it comes to the divorce hearings there is evidence of you facilitating all this stuff so he cant throw it at you!

Good Luck

(please excuse spellings, its bright outside and i cant see the screen brilliantly!)

You can't improve a marriage when one person isn't doing their part in re building. The op has previously said it was on him to find marriage counselling and he didn't. She needed up having counselling alone. She is willing, he is not. Unless that changes its a dead end.

I never understand why people can't have a wank without looking at porn. I suppose they must have no imagination and/or memories to inspire them 🤷‍♀️

Also, please accept your fair share of the responsibility for the current state of your marriage. If nothing else, you have been a full party to its deterioration, due to failing to seek marriage counseling earlier.

We all only have the tools that we have at the time and wisdom is realizing that, not continuing to do the same unhelpful things over and over again and expecting different results. In my opinion, there's more of an obligation once you bring children into it. Best wishes.

Human rights abuses obviously

It sounds like this was the straw that broke the camel's back. The trust has gone out of your relationship, and I'm no expert, but from the sounds of it, it's not coming back. It sounds like you've tried hard to make it work and this isn't 'out of the blue' at all - if your DH has any sense, he'll have seen it coming. I'd do what you're doing, if I was in your shoes. Good luck with it all.

Harsh.

And as a single woman in her 50s, it's much better to be a happy single parent than in a miserable, unfulfilling relationships where you're doing all the work and carrying the entire mental load.