Separating from DH with no warning

[AndiD87]

Hi All,

First time poster and just want some advice.

I basically told my DH of 12 years I want to separate. This is a complete shock to him but comes after a row last night where I came back from a 2 day trip, turned on the TV and seen it was on a porn channel - he admitted his been watching it while I was away. My real issue with this is 1) we’ve small kids who could have turned on the TV and found it 2) I find it really uncomfortable knowing the stats for sex trafficking/underage girls forced into it etc and 3) our bedroom antics are in tatters, my self confidence is at an all time
low and this just felt like a real blow.

I had been trying to make a real effort with our relationship and had in the last month started to wear my wedding ring again so this just felt like a real kick.

Previous marriage issues involved:

• my utter frustration at carrying the mental load but especially all the financial stress and decisions for the house (I earn double his income but really hate the pressure of sorting out all finances, making all decisions etc - don’t fee like a partner more like his mum). He is a great dad and does a lot of housework etc - it’s just all decisions are my responsibility and I am drowning under the pressure with a stressful job, 2 small kids and caring for a family member. I’ve begged him to take some decisions off me but alas he doesn’t
• We had a bad period where he was really pressuring me for sex, this really damaged our relationship, my self esteem and my trust. After explaining to him how awful his behaviour was he completely stopped all the pressure and is very considerate now, however I don’t know I’ve really dealt with my feelings on this and it’s only know looking back I can elements of this type of behaviour where there at the start but not as serious
• early in the marriage he was fired from his job for misconduct (broke a law) which caused 2 years of complete stress and he completely lost my trust as i never would have thought he could be so wreck-less and risk our future

I’m not painting him in the best light but last night broke me and I just feel I can’t go on as when we are just back on track something else happens

YABU - last night was minor and your overreacting
YANBU - last night was disrespectful and my feelings are justified given the history

Having been married for 21 years, and now a single parent for 15, I can categorically say being a single parent is easier.

The children who were teens when we split will have lifelong issues due to their father. The ones who were little when we split and have been with me as a SP have far fewer issues.

You're welcome.

Anyone seriously finishing a sentence with 'you're welcome' is to be taken with a pinch of salt.

Do you live in Gilead? Men have been watching films of prurient interest since the dawn of time. In terms of the ethics, I presume you don't purchase any manufactured goods given the number of low paid and exploited workers that create them. Sounds like you have reversed engineered a reason to get rid because you are just sick of him overall

@AndiD87 Most men watch porn. It was a mistake to forget to remove the channel after he was done, but otherwise this is a huge over reaction. Even if you kids had seen it, it would obviously be bad but would not adversely harm them int he long term (a glance is nothing)

Sound like you have other reasons than this, but just this? way OTT.

If my other half was away for the weekend, I did not have as much sex as my body wanted - I would be watching porn occasionally

And - after the deed, you often forget things, like hiding the tape!!

I do detest porn myself, and my husband doesn’t watch it thankfully, but then we do have a healthy sex life and you’re probably being unreasonable to think he won’t look elsewhere if your sex life is non existent. Porn is a better option than an affair or sex worker! But obviously he should have been more careful with having small kids in the house.

It sounds like there are bigger issues in the marriage and you’re probably using this as an excuse.

I think she resents him for taking on no load

and sounds like he should feeL bad about himself and have low self esteem - if he wants high self esteem he will actually have to do something (anything) worthy of esteem

Anyone who so foolishly micro-criticizes a post with great wisdom should pinch themselves.

You're welcome.

I feel the same, and wouldn't tolerate porn at all along with the other points OP mentioned

Serious question, I’m not being flippant- but do you think the stress will ease if you’re a single parent?
Perhaps with the children splitting their time between you both, he will be forced to take on more of the mental load. But please remember, in this split, the assets are likely to be split equally, particularly if it’s joint custody. This means, even though you have contributed the most financially, you won’t be walking away with the lions share. Unless of course, you were to have the children most of the time…but then that leaves you in an even more stressful position of having the kids on your own, with visits from dad, with less money than you had before.

That doesn’t sound like a less stressful situation but may make you happier.

Reassign the bills, the insurance renewal, council tax etc, over to him and in return, you take over the households chores. You don’t want the metal load, so put it on him. But you take over the chores he did before. I’m not sure if you’re going to find that any less annoying though.

I think the stress of your job is coming at a price. Can you reduce your hours? Can you look for a similar job with less travel? Until you sort the stress from work..it will bleed into family life. Yes, your husband sounds like a bit of a twat, but honestly, he doesn’t sound any worse than a lot of them out there. You sound like you resent his cushy life…..then don’t make it so easy for him!

1. Sort out the stress from work. Whether that’s finding ways to cope or evaluating if the jobs worth it.
2. Tell him he is now in charge of birthdays, Xmas, bills, holidays etc. If he fails, let him fail and let him deal with it. If he forgets his mother’s bday….so be it! Don’t clean up after him.
3. If after trying to sort this out, you still feel stressed. Then understand splitting from him will be a relief in some ways…but added stress in others. There’s no way to not have a stressed life with a demanding full time job and two kids.

And yet, you are not the OP and did not post your situation Therefore, the replies given don't have anything to do with you or your particular situation, do they.

And no, you actually can't "categorically" say that being a single parent is easier than being a married parent. That would be a foolish statement. And adding on a smart aleck ending doesn't make it any smarter.

Run along now, and go buy a thinking cap.

You’re not overreacting. He’s continually broken your trust and he no longer feels like a safe space for you. He should be sharing the mental load. I’m sorry it’s so hard to end a relationship with children but I think it’s probably the right move, unless you feel marriage counselling would help. Personally I’d be out.

Oh, unless you were criticizing the post after mine. Then, you'd be making lots of sense.

Sorry, but being a single parent with kids is infinitely easier than being a single parent with kids and a man-child. Speaking from personal experience here.

Easier for you perhaps, but I think most will say being a single parent is extremely challenging.

@AndiD87

Listen, anyone can end any relationship for any reason, or no reason at all. You aren't happy, that's a reason.

As far as marriage counseling, yes, that's an option IF you want it. But marriage counseling can also be used to end a marriage and help the 'other partner' understand why a person wants to end a marriage and to help them accept it so things can be settled fairly and without acrimony.

At this point your focus should shift to making the transition as smooth for the children as possible.

AND see a solicitor, pronto! As the higher earner you need to get a thorough understanding of your financial position and wrt child residency.

Sorry, but speaking from personal experience, that's too broad of a statement to make any sense. For example, who decides who is a "man child?" He may be that or he may be depressed or a wife's label of "man child" may not be accurate.

Leaving a marriage with children should never be done lightly. Marriage counseling is often a very wise move before that drastic of a step. Also, it's not only about what's easier for you. It's also about what's best for the children.

Thanks you’ve given me some different perspective there.

When we met actually he was the high earner however when he was fired from his job he had to take minimum wage jobs for a couple of years and his salary hasn’t recovered really. This finances aren’t an issue in that we have no financial worries thankfully - but he could not tell you one bill we pay, if we have any savings, or how much anything costs - even down to shopping as that’s all on me. I am not great with organising money and hence find always having to know what bill is due/if we have enough for xyz etc overwhelming ok top of the rest of the mental load.

Your right in that I do still love him, but I just so exhausted and undervalued and full of resentment that I just don’t know if I can fight for a marriage that I am drowning in. It literally feels easier to separate as he will have to be responsible for himself and the kids during his time.

For context, his not lazy, just very clueless really - it’s one of the kids birthdays Monday and like that he will be as surprised tomorrow as our child will be with the presents/party. Would not enter his mind to organise anything. If I delegate specific tasks he can do it but will never think to do it without being asked and gets lost in the tiny details making me explaining it actually harder than just doing it myself in the first place

This isn't clear cut either way op.

It's very often the case that women carry the mental load and end up feeling like their husband is just another child. It's a very unpopular thing to say these days, but women and men are different and it is accurate to generalise that there are certain things women are generally better at and there are certain things men are generally better at. Organising home/life etc is one that women are better at, generally.

You say you love him still. Instead of counselling, I'd have him read your OP and and your subsequent posts and explain it to him - he clearly doesn't get it. If he is willing to understand, then things need to be put in place so that you stop drowning. If he isn't good at thinking what needs to be done, then he needs to be allocated a massive share of the donkey work so that you are free to do the more difficult work. Such as - he cooks every day, he puts kids to bed every day, he cleans bathroom 1x per week - mundane things that don't require thinking, so that you have the time to actually do the thinking. Counselling is not needed - this is a very straightforward situation that you both need buy in to fix.

Death by a thousand cuts here. It's not really the porn thing (I'd hate that too) but the slow build up of issues and resentment over time.

To be honest I would likely have ended it after he broke the law and subsequently lost his job. It sounds like it fundamentally broke your trust in him and if you can't trust him then the relationship is doomed. I think I'd lose all attraction for someone that was pressuring me for sex. It's deeply unattractive.

Everything else he’s done to you is appalling and more than enough for anyone to leave him. However I couldn’t be angry at a red blooded male having a sneaky peak at porn tbh. That’s not for you or anyone else to ‘forbid’ him from doing with his own body. He has autonomy in that regard.
However, that’s all irrelevant as he’s a twat to you anyway! Just ignore his pleas/anger and stick to your plan. Best of luck!

'finances aren’t an issue'

But you are still moaning about bills- surely they are all on DD

@ButteredRadish porn isn't just his own body is it. Masturbation is just his own body. Watching women be brutalised for your own pleasure is quite different, that's why people object to it.

Shame you didn't think about how your children will feel also being separated from their father. Hey ho as long as YOU are happy!

I’m sorry but the first part of your response is insane. It’s exactly that kind of attitude that perpetuates misogyny and that women are just “better” at running a household and carrying the mental load, which is untrue.

Being born female does not genetically mean you’re better at those things - society has just been conditioned to believe that it’s women’s work. It’s sad to see people still have attitudes like yours.

Misses the point, but I think my DH would be delighted with 3-5 times a month...

I don't get the point about bills. Nobody in our household "pays all the bills", they are all set up direct debit and forgotten about.