Separating from DH with no warning

[AndiD87]

Hi All,

First time poster and just want some advice.

I basically told my DH of 12 years I want to separate. This is a complete shock to him but comes after a row last night where I came back from a 2 day trip, turned on the TV and seen it was on a porn channel - he admitted his been watching it while I was away. My real issue with this is 1) we’ve small kids who could have turned on the TV and found it 2) I find it really uncomfortable knowing the stats for sex trafficking/underage girls forced into it etc and 3) our bedroom antics are in tatters, my self confidence is at an all time
low and this just felt like a real blow.

I had been trying to make a real effort with our relationship and had in the last month started to wear my wedding ring again so this just felt like a real kick.

Previous marriage issues involved:

• my utter frustration at carrying the mental load but especially all the financial stress and decisions for the house (I earn double his income but really hate the pressure of sorting out all finances, making all decisions etc - don’t fee like a partner more like his mum). He is a great dad and does a lot of housework etc - it’s just all decisions are my responsibility and I am drowning under the pressure with a stressful job, 2 small kids and caring for a family member. I’ve begged him to take some decisions off me but alas he doesn’t
• We had a bad period where he was really pressuring me for sex, this really damaged our relationship, my self esteem and my trust. After explaining to him how awful his behaviour was he completely stopped all the pressure and is very considerate now, however I don’t know I’ve really dealt with my feelings on this and it’s only know looking back I can elements of this type of behaviour where there at the start but not as serious
• early in the marriage he was fired from his job for misconduct (broke a law) which caused 2 years of complete stress and he completely lost my trust as i never would have thought he could be so wreck-less and risk our future

I’m not painting him in the best light but last night broke me and I just feel I can’t go on as when we are just back on track something else happens

YABU - last night was minor and your overreacting
YANBU - last night was disrespectful and my feelings are justified given the history

Final straw for you OP.
Completely understand.
The losing the job over something illegal would be enough for many.

Look after yourself.
He doesn't deserve you.

Separate for any of the reasons you have listed, but porn would be the last of my worries.

He's not getting any sex at home, I'm not surprised he's watched a bit of porn. I'm a woman and when my DH wasn't wanting any sex, I did the same. Of course you'll get people on here saying it's terrible, but a lot of people on here have zero libido and no idea what it's like to be sex starved if you have a high libido.

I left my first H for much worse reasons, and the effect on my kids was horrific.

What on earth is "ethically sourced porn"? Do we pick these DVD's up in Waitrose with our Tofu and Quinoa?

I’m not at all surprised that you’ve got a low libido, as there is nothing sexy about having to play mother to your partner and nothing that kills your ability to have a spontaneous full sex life than constantly having to carry the mental load and feeling exhausted. I don’t think watching porn is that bad though, especially if he may have previously pressured you for sex instead of seeing to himself. Clearly though there’s much bigger issues here and this seems to be the straw that broke the camels back for you. Therefore, while this might have been a knee jerk reaction I think you need to use this time to really think about whether this was your gut telling you what to do. To answer that I think you need to consider that if you’ve asked him to change and he has been incapable of doing so, the decision is really about whether you can accept him as he is and carry on in your relationship if nothing changes?

What is ethically-sourced porn?!

So can women. But strangely whenever. Women post that they’re in a sexless marriage the man is considered to be at fault and the woman is advised that she shouldn’t have to put up with it and should consider leaving.

It does sound as if this is perhaps a catalyst, but it’s not fair to suggest that he’s wrong for watching porn when the OP is withholding sex.

Just to clarify we do have sex maybe 3-5 times a month, not a huge amount I know and honestly I would like it to be more frequently but I’m normally up at 6 and crawling into bed at 10.30 completely exhausted and one of the kids is a poor sleeper so hard to get any unbroken sleep.

I do appreciate all of the opinions.
Marriage counselling would be an obvious thing to do but I just feel exhausted at the thought of having to find a therapist, having to book, having to find a babysitter as no family near - just another thing for me to have to do and he can say he went through the motions. Previously he was to organise counselling but it came to nothing, I ended up doing sessions myself.

I know he says he feels much less capable than me and he is self conscious of contributing less financially to the household - but I just feel I am carrying him through life and at the expense of my own peace

I think this a very insightful and measured response.

When people on MN describe someone as being a "great dad" I am often left wondering what they mean. it doesn't sound like a great dad to be so reckless as to lose a job - by breaking the law. What about his kids welfare and financial security? Didn't he think about that before acting recklessly?

Do you think he’ll simply reject the fact he was a sex pest? Or that he hasn’t cared enough for the OP to actually do what she asked - taking some of the decision making from her?

Or is that according to you, no sex is a sacrosanct offense that absolves someone from anything and everything?

Wondering how many people have that in their vows? ‘Until death us do part, in sickness and in health but not if you don’t want sex’

@ThatDaringEagle did you have that in your vows? Did you discuss it with your DH/DP that you believe no sex=free pass to porn/being a sex pest/maybe even infidelity (no you haven’t said that but it’s been touted many times on MN)

Yay, I’m sure his views will be different. As they always are. Even when the partner is abusive.
But does it mean their views are valid?? Different discussion

Not something I would put kids through the trauma of a break up for. But you make sure you do the right thing for you. The kids can deal.

This event was 3 years before our first was born.
But I agree - it completely broke me as have never felt I can rely or fully trust him since hence focusing on my career and financial security as a priority

Also - men can live without sex

I hate this old trope.

I could live without : wine, sex, chocolate, crisps, a comfy bed, holidays, friends, meals out, hot showers.....yes, I could live without all of them, BUT if the person I was married to had these things to hand and continually forbade them, I would be very resentful, because a) it's my life, b) you only live once, c) my partner is supposed to want me to be happy, d) I don't want to be trapped in a life where I can't have the things I want.

I don't need sex but I want it. And that's bloody ok!

But you won't thrive without sex longterm.
😂😂😂

So if you can’t thrice wo sex, does it mean it’s ok to use prostitutes instead?
Do you think people, men or women, are somehow entitled to sex?

You want thriving? Try emotional connection, vulnerability and intimacy. Not the sexual type.

Was going to ask the same thing (goes off to google…..)

He’s a bloke so he’s not going to see it from OP’s pov.

Why don’t you delegate more to him, and start doing less?

100%

The root of the problem is obviously not about him watching porn.

Its his inability or unwillingness to take on more responsibility for decision making which is the potential deal breaker. The other things have added to your sense of burden and carrying him. You resent him for it and the porn find is just yet another thing to have to tolerate but was the final straw. Your resentment has grown because he's not really carrying the can, you are. But you've assumed that role and you're probably the hyper competent type and so he's let you get on with it assuming that's what you want and he's gone along with it. Put crudely, its more a case of yre the alpha and he's the beta rather than ying and yang. There needs to be more balance in your relationship otherwise it wont work. Have a full and frank discussion before you definitively exit the relationship to give him an opportunity to pull his weight....or else.

You're at the end of your tether and it sounds like it's been a long time coming. I think still being salty about things that happened in the first couple of years of marriage after being married for 12 years would have faded from your memory by now if he hadn't continued to make your life much more difficult. The porn in itself wouldn't particularly bother me particularly in the context of you having a low libido but like you say you don't want your kids to accidentally see it.

None of those things though sound like the full reason what's caused you to absolutely have enough is been the only adult in the relationship. Why should you carry all the mental load why can't he make a decision? if he's a good dad he can continue to be a good dad that doesn't need to stop. are you running around after him making every decision just becomes too stressful. A thousand decisions you've been had to make and he hasn't is what has dne it.

For sure - but then you take appropriate steps - which do not include watching potentially trafficked women and girls so you can get off

wanting sex is a want just like all others - not a need that justifies exploitation

porn does enormous damage to the women and girls exploited for it, to society as whole as it warps men’s views towards sex and also to the men who watch it themselves

You could make him responsible for organising couples counselling a condition of you not ending your marriage immediately. Give him 2 weeks to have the first session booked (including organising a babysitter). This doesn't mean the marriage won't end anyway but it's setting a boundary.

He has made big efforts to address his behaviour and made changes based on previous issues.

Personally your post reads like you are just looking for an excuse to leave him.

I'm not suggesting you should stay. The over riding message from the history you have posted is a lack of trust which is a complete game over for me but the porn seems like a really miniscule issue given the other things you have addressed and moved on from.

What else is going on?

Will your life be easier or even harder without him, If it will be harder then try marriage counselling

He has made big efforts to address his behaviour and made changes based on previous issues.

Has he?
Has he taken on the responsibilities and decisions making the OP wanted?
Has he taken in some of the load so she isn’t as exhausted as she is atm?
Has he organised the couple counselling that was needed?
Has he done anything to regain the OP’s trust after acting illegally?

I mean… if you think all of those are ‘excuses’ fair enough.
But they look like a lot if VERY good reasons to me to say Enough is Enough….

Also @Ihatelittlefriendsusan are you really telling us that stopping being a sex pest is ‘making big efforts to address his behaviour’?

As in it wasn’t an obvious thing to in the first place and he went out of his way when he actually listened to the OP’s preferences?