Separating from DH with no warning

[AndiD87]

Hi All,

First time poster and just want some advice.

I basically told my DH of 12 years I want to separate. This is a complete shock to him but comes after a row last night where I came back from a 2 day trip, turned on the TV and seen it was on a porn channel - he admitted his been watching it while I was away. My real issue with this is 1) we’ve small kids who could have turned on the TV and found it 2) I find it really uncomfortable knowing the stats for sex trafficking/underage girls forced into it etc and 3) our bedroom antics are in tatters, my self confidence is at an all time
low and this just felt like a real blow.

I had been trying to make a real effort with our relationship and had in the last month started to wear my wedding ring again so this just felt like a real kick.

Previous marriage issues involved:

• my utter frustration at carrying the mental load but especially all the financial stress and decisions for the house (I earn double his income but really hate the pressure of sorting out all finances, making all decisions etc - don’t fee like a partner more like his mum). He is a great dad and does a lot of housework etc - it’s just all decisions are my responsibility and I am drowning under the pressure with a stressful job, 2 small kids and caring for a family member. I’ve begged him to take some decisions off me but alas he doesn’t
• We had a bad period where he was really pressuring me for sex, this really damaged our relationship, my self esteem and my trust. After explaining to him how awful his behaviour was he completely stopped all the pressure and is very considerate now, however I don’t know I’ve really dealt with my feelings on this and it’s only know looking back I can elements of this type of behaviour where there at the start but not as serious
• early in the marriage he was fired from his job for misconduct (broke a law) which caused 2 years of complete stress and he completely lost my trust as i never would have thought he could be so wreck-less and risk our future

I’m not painting him in the best light but last night broke me and I just feel I can’t go on as when we are just back on track something else happens

YABU - last night was minor and your overreacting
YANBU - last night was disrespectful and my feelings are justified given the history

Seems like when you have mentioned issues before he has tried to change so he tries so feels silly to just throw it away espically with him being a good dad who pulls his weight. Men watching porn is very common this wouldn't bother me.

And not to change the Chanel after watching it so the next time TV is switched on it defaults to porn Chanel and the kids could see it?

Yeah, that's both stupid & clumsy but hardly a separation causing incident imho.

And loads are completely consensual , under no pressure & enjoy it , so stop talking Rubbish !!!!!

If every wife separated from their husband who watched porn virtually 100% of marriages would end in divorce.

I would end my marriage immediately if I found out Dh was watching porn. He knows my boundaries and how I feel about porn and that I wouldn’t be with him so if he took that chance and was caught it would be no surprise to him that it was all over.

He will make a great child minder. He has been a complete let down who gives you the ick. You're only in love with what you thought he could be. I wouldn't bother dragging this out with counselling. You have been settling for a third rate person. You can do a lot better and being on your own is a great option

Why can’t he pleasure himself without watching porn?

You can’t underestimate how insidious porn is. No man who watches porn should be near children. Have you seen the Ted Bundy interview just before his execution where he speaks about his extensive porn use, and says that without exception every single violent offender he ever met in prison was a heavy porn user?

Not to mention the abuse of women and children in the porn industry.

It’s not normal or acceptable and shouldn’t be normalised. If he wants to wank why can’t he use his hand and his imagination?

I think you are amazing OP.
So kind and understanding.
I'm not.
I'd have been well gone pre children.
These men are a shocking burden on women.
Too hard.
I'm 60 and I see the regret of women who stand by these men.

Mind yourself.
You are too kind.

This is nuts, his ONLY mistake was leaving the channel on. EVERYMAN either in a relationship or not is watching porn. WE ALL watch it and any male that says otherwise is a lier.

Its not a bad thing but most of the time women just can't keep up with our needs otherwise in reality they would be saying "I'm not just a s** object"

We're not with you for the conversation, let's be honest.

It’s a want not a need

and wanking off to women and girls who are trafficked and coerced is repulsive

if you think pornhub is full of women and young girls who are psychologically healthy and not vulnerable you are deluded

women and girls are not endlessly fodder to be used up because of your selfish wants

Brilliant advice

He may be a good dad but he isn’t a good husband.

I don’t have any respect for porn ( what’s % of women who watch porn alone vs men🤔).

But really the porn is the match, the relationship full stop is the kindle.

I don’t think OP is “stupid” for separating with DH for the porn thing. It’s a perfectly reasonable boundary to set within a relationship and marriage. Men and women CAN survive without porn.

Anyway, it does sound like that was the final straw.

I can understand where you are coming from OP. I wouldn’t be attracted to a man like this. He sounds like a complete man-child.

You have actually completely brushed past all her DH's misdemeanors and pretty much blamed OP for everything. He broke the law and lost his job! That's a terrible thing to do. Single parenthood is often preferable than staying with a man that you don't respect any more. In relation to marriage counselling, OP has said:

'Marriage counselling would be an obvious thing to do but I just feel exhausted at the thought of having to find a therapist, having to book, having to find a babysitter as no family near - just another thing for me to have to do and he can say he went through the motions. Previously he was to organise counselling but it came to nothing, I ended up doing sessions myself.'

OP will be better off without her DH. He will not be better off without her so he should be making the effort to improve their marriage, not her.

Lol at 'great wisdom'! Your user name is very appropriate.

I don’t know if the porn was a straw camel thing or an excuse to end a relationship that hasn’t worked for a really long time. I think you’ve realised that he’s never going to be the partner you want him to be and staying in the marriage just postpones the inevitable.

Your marriage didn’t work out, it’s okay, it happens.

If you have a boundary about this and he broke it then I agree. Concerns about DC having got to the TV first also valid,

Also agree with you in general about porn. Just because some people normalise it even if it were a majority, doesn’t make it ok.

If you look into its effects they are all detrimental including on relationships, not to mention the exploitation involved as you said.

Ultimately I think you’ve just had enough of the relationship and aren’t interested in him sexually because of the earlier dynamics. The relationship was over years ago and since then you’ve been getting through the day to day, but being unhappy and stressed. Trust was broken with the initial incident you describe at his work.

Focus on separating amicably if you can and ways to co-parent effectively.

Hi OP, I know you are not coming back to this thread and that’s ok but I’ve been thinking about your situation and reading the posts.
I think people are getting too hung up on sex when the issue is trust. You’re doing amazingly managing to keep any sort of sex life going when you are considering leaving.
I don’t think you have entirety checked out of this marriage yet and I agree you should not do anything rash without considering all the options.
Also do not underestimate the exhaustion - mental, physical and emotional - that comes from looking after a sick relative. It’s a really difficult time and you need your husband to step up here.
You have given him a shock by telling him you want to separate. If he doesn’t step up now, he never will and you’ll have your answer but first you need to let go of the resentment over his job loss.
It sounds like he did a really stupid thing and paid the price and you’ve all been paying it ever since. He is living with the guilt and must know how disappointed you are in him. You overcame the resentment enough to have two DC with him so for their sake, you need to deal with this - either by talking it out with him, talking it out with a therapist or writing it all down, tearing it up and deciding to put it behind you. You can’t change the past, just your attitude to it.
Then make proper time away from the kids to really discuss your relationship wants and needs. Get him to bring his wants and needs to the table too. Both of you should write lists of what you want to discuss. Decide your non-negotiables and work out what you are prepared to compromise on. Listen to him. Only you know what these are. But one thing you could consider is getting him to do more of the things he already does which help - cooking meals, bathing DC etc, plus a list of weekly chores he can easily master that he does every week and is stuck to the fridge door. You shouldn’t have to do this but you are where you are. If finances are an issue set aside time weekly or monthly to discuss these. Set aside time for regular progress reports on the new arrangements. Give it a good six months to bed in. Carve out time every week for yourself.
Good luck OP. I hope it works out for you.

You sound like you could benefit from some couples counselling. I imagine you’re not going to be pleased to see him with another woman having fabulous sex and being a Disney Dad. You’ll be every bit as exhausted as you are now…personally I can’t see the issue with him viewing porn and it feels like you might be the controlling one in this relationship.

I think what you said about the porn is pretty dismissive and minimising. Like a PP said, just because you’ve normalised it, doesn’t make it ok for others.

To be quite frank, Ghoul, I just CBA to write a longer post.

Maybe 'exploited' would have been a better word, and yes, I do believe all porn is exploitation. But the point was that masturbation doesn't have to include pornography.

@MintChocCatIt doesn’t have to be ok for her and if it’s a deal breaker than so be it but 75% of men watch porn. Younger men are more likely to watch. If we assume she also wants someone who matches her salary then that’s 17% of men. Now you need a man who falls in both very small buckets that she actually likes who is willing to date a woman with two small kids…I’d try to work it out with this guy given that he’s a good father. I think it’s that or accept she will most likely be alone.

There’s also the perspective of the kids involved who love their Dad. There’s no upside in this for them. They will go from a family unit to possibly being dragged into two blended families….

You're completely within your rights to not want to be with someone that consumes porn. Be prepared for people to tell you all men do it and it's something you should just tolerate. The porn industry is disgusting and there's no way to determine if the 'actors' are trafficking victims, and even then sex workers are disproportionately victims of childhood abuse, rape or other trauma that makes them vulnerable. All that asides, even if we were in a perfect world where women aren't trafficked and all porn is magically ethical and respectful (don't get me into the disturbing misogynistic and dangerous 'kinks' depicted in much mainstream pornography) you're not unreasonable for not wanting your partner to masturbate over other people ffs. It's depressing that it's normalised to the point we are shamed and ridiculed for what is when you think about it a very reasonable preference. I'm really sorry you're in this situation, I know how painful it is.

And it’s also possible for that statistic to change. I have a friend who stopped consuming it, and my partner did too. I’m not going to normalise or accept it, and setting it as a boundary within a relationship is possible. Your stat may or may not be true / accurate, but that’s not to say it has to stay that way. It is of course a choice.

Regardless of the porn consumption issue - there are other difficulties within OP’s relationship as well. Their relationship a multifaceted issue. In most cases it is better for both parents to stay together for the sake of the children, but not always.