Separating from DH with no warning

[AndiD87]

Hi All,

First time poster and just want some advice.

I basically told my DH of 12 years I want to separate. This is a complete shock to him but comes after a row last night where I came back from a 2 day trip, turned on the TV and seen it was on a porn channel - he admitted his been watching it while I was away. My real issue with this is 1) we’ve small kids who could have turned on the TV and found it 2) I find it really uncomfortable knowing the stats for sex trafficking/underage girls forced into it etc and 3) our bedroom antics are in tatters, my self confidence is at an all time
low and this just felt like a real blow.

I had been trying to make a real effort with our relationship and had in the last month started to wear my wedding ring again so this just felt like a real kick.

Previous marriage issues involved:

• my utter frustration at carrying the mental load but especially all the financial stress and decisions for the house (I earn double his income but really hate the pressure of sorting out all finances, making all decisions etc - don’t fee like a partner more like his mum). He is a great dad and does a lot of housework etc - it’s just all decisions are my responsibility and I am drowning under the pressure with a stressful job, 2 small kids and caring for a family member. I’ve begged him to take some decisions off me but alas he doesn’t
• We had a bad period where he was really pressuring me for sex, this really damaged our relationship, my self esteem and my trust. After explaining to him how awful his behaviour was he completely stopped all the pressure and is very considerate now, however I don’t know I’ve really dealt with my feelings on this and it’s only know looking back I can elements of this type of behaviour where there at the start but not as serious
• early in the marriage he was fired from his job for misconduct (broke a law) which caused 2 years of complete stress and he completely lost my trust as i never would have thought he could be so wreck-less and risk our future

I’m not painting him in the best light but last night broke me and I just feel I can’t go on as when we are just back on track something else happens

YABU - last night was minor and your overreacting
YANBU - last night was disrespectful and my feelings are justified given the history

So… we should just accept it then?
Like we accepted marital raie, sexual assault etc…

Instead if saying 75% of men watch porn so you’d better accept it, maybe we should say let’s not accept it and if 75% of women do NOT accept their partner watching porn, then theyll have to accept it.

"Maybe 'exploited' would have been a better word, and yes, I do believe all porn is exploitation.

What if he was watching bonnie blue...?

It's just porn not all but probably the majority of men do especially good men in relationships with no sex life. It sounds like you wasn't listening when he was showing his needs. But later down the line when you have bothered to make an effort you are then wondering why you found porn on the TV???
I don't know him and he sounds far from perfect . But maybe he is using porn so he doesn't have to go elsewhere to be satisfied.

Why stay married to someone if you don't want to have sex with them? That's really sad.

I listened to a podcast by Mel Robbins : : Trust your gut- how to make a hard decision (28th April). I feel this could be really useful for you.

Your mind is obviously made up, going back on it will only put a Band-Aid on the relationship, which as all know, is temporary. Good luck Ma'am 🙏🏾

I personally can understand why you are upset but before you make any rash decisions I think you both could do with talking it out or getting counselling. He probably didn't think he was doing anything wrong and never thought the kids would see.

Sounds like you have an extra toddler!
I get that many men are a bit clueless (mine wouldn't know what to do to organise a child's birthday party, how to book after school clubs, or how to pay for school trips), butbit sounds like yours doesn't know how ANYTHING runs in the world. How can he not know how much money you as a family have??

I think it sounds like you could do with some couples counselling. Your feelings are very valid but there are two sides to a story and I think a counsellor could help bottom things out.

If you love each other, it's well worth sorting the issues out together. Good luck x

Your feelings are valid, you need to work on you sweet and start listening to what you feel. You are important but sit down and have a serious conversation as with you feeling this way. Porn on the tv is a deffo no. You need to rest and make it clear he pays half to all the bills xxx

There's your answer lovely. Xx

You say he is good at doing tasks when directed. So direct him and get on with looking after your family.

Nah, don't do that. He's a grown man, he should be able to handle the basics of running a household and family without needing his hand held. Women need to stop indulging this pathetic mock helplessness that lets men off the hook.

I'm an older person too and my generation often elected to put up with useless/abusive husbands because frankly, there weren't many alternatives. Nowadays, thank God, women don't have to stick with a marriage that is making them stressed and unhappy. Do whatever you think is best for you and your children OP and use your energy to build the best co-parenting relationship you can instead of trying to resurrect a marriage that's already dead on its feet. Good luck for the future.

All the men on this post: "I can't believe you're dumping him for watching porn, how stupid, I don't see the problem with your DH wanking off to porn, porn is great and 99.9% of it isn't trafficked women, all men watch it blah blah fucking blah"

So fucking what? OP can dump him for whatever she feels like and if she wants to dump the useless waste of space then she can. Whether you're cool with your DH/You wanking off to porn is totally irrelevant.

How are you today @AndiD87 ?