Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christening

155 replies

BB333 · 14/05/2025 21:30

just to clarify I’m an atheist, DP is quite a devout Catholic.
came down this morning to my DP telling me the vicar had msg’d him the available dates for our DD christening/ baptism. I said that’s fine and will give my family members the dates and see what everyone can do.
Ive had no say in the day, which, as an atheist I’m not too bothered about, but it means a lot to my DP so have let him have control.
DP come home and I was very excited to tell him that lots of my family (some of which live 5 hours away) could all make a certain date.
i started mentioning the relatives names ie, Aunty and Uncle so and so.

DP then turns round and says that he wants only immediate family to attend. He didn’t stipulate this. He’s now expecting me to call all these relatives up and tell them they’re not invited.

im so upset. I’ve told him that I think he’s being really horrible about it. I was really looking forward to seeing my family and having a a lovely day of celebrating even though I’m not religious. It’s not a matter of money as my Dad is paying for the day.

AIBU to be this upset?

OP posts:
PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 14/05/2025 21:32

I would just tell him I don't agree to the christening then, you're allowing it for his benefit, but he's not allowing you to invite your own family.

He needs to compromise or its not happening.

Sycamoretrees · 14/05/2025 21:41

He's being really unkind, and unreasonable. Has he given a reason for feeling this way? He needs to give his head a wobble and get over himself. You have just as much right to invite people as he does.

ExtraOnions · 14/05/2025 21:45

In the Church, whoever wants to go can go .. it’s an open space. I’m a steward at our Catholic Church, and we don’t act like bouncers on the door

(btw.. Vicars are CoE, we have Priests)

HuffleMyPuffle · 14/05/2025 21:46

He can't stop them coming the service...

Original poster
BB333 · 14/05/2025 21:49

Sycamoretrees · 14/05/2025 21:41

He's being really unkind, and unreasonable. Has he given a reason for feeling this way? He needs to give his head a wobble and get over himself. You have just as much right to invite people as he does.

He said I should’ve ran it past him who I was planning on inviting as he was only intending it to be close family. He don’t tell me that though. I assumed when he said for me to message my family that he would know that would include aunties and uncles etc. especially as I don’t see a lot of them due to distance.
if he had said that he only wants it to be immediate family at the time I still would’ve said I think he’s being mean, but it would’ve saved the issue of now, potentially uninviting family.
Ive told him if he doesn’t want my family members there then he needs to call them personally and tell them. I’m washing my hands of the situation I’m that upset about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
BB333 · 14/05/2025 21:50

ExtraOnions · 14/05/2025 21:45

In the Church, whoever wants to go can go .. it’s an open space. I’m a steward at our Catholic Church, and we don’t act like bouncers on the door

(btw.. Vicars are CoE, we have Priests)

Ooo I didn’t know this! Thank you so much. Just to clarify as well- because it’s a catholic ceremony is it a christening or a baptism?

OP posts:
AnotherDelphinium · 14/05/2025 21:51

YANBU. Also, I don’t think he has a say in who goes into the church, he could possibly not invite them to an after-party, but that’s all.

Is he worried about the cost of hosting an extended event? Why does he want immediate family only?

Candlesandmatches · 14/05/2025 21:54

Catholic here. It’s a baptism for Catholics and yes anyone can come.
Id also gently suggest you may want to do a little bit of reading up on this as it’s a huge deal for Carholics. Im surprised your DH doesn’t want to share the joy.
Who are the Godparents?

Supersimkin7 · 14/05/2025 21:55

Christening = the whole occasion
baptism = the religious ceremony

Well done DF on paying for it. Aren’t you and the godparents doing the classes yet?

Dinosweetpea · 14/05/2025 21:56

He doesn't get to make this decision.
He doesn't get to tell you what to do and who can or cannot come.

Supersimkin7 · 14/05/2025 21:57

It can’t just be immediate family cos you need sponsors as well as the parents at the font. Something’s not right here.

LeavesTrees · 14/05/2025 21:59

I’m on the fence. I think you should have both had a discussion before inviting people, that way you would have both known your stance on it. Then you could have decided to go ahead with it or not. It sounds like your DH is coming from a religious perspective and you are coming more from an excuse for a party perspective. So for that reason I swing more towards what your DH wants.

GiddyCrab · 14/05/2025 22:02

PaintYourAssLikeRembrandt · 14/05/2025 21:32

I would just tell him I don't agree to the christening then, you're allowing it for his benefit, but he's not allowing you to invite your own family.

He needs to compromise or its not happening.

This.

Anoncomment · 14/05/2025 22:03

Catholic here & this seems really strange to me. Maybe it's a cultural difference as I'm Irish Catholic, but christenings are huge family affairs here. It'd be rare for it to be immediate family only.

The event is a really big deal. Typically the couple choose close friends / family for godparents and that's a big decision both of you should be on the same page for. They'll be involved in religious events moving forward so you want to pick right.

There's also a expectation of dressing up, and getting a christening gown for the little one, and a candle for the church if no one has mentioned it.

TempestTost · 14/05/2025 22:06

It seems to me this is just one of those times when you only realize you are not on the same page when it's too late. Which should not be a big deal it happens and it's not because anyone is being a jerk.

But now that you have invited your relatives, and since you also want them there, I don't think you can uninvite them just because it isn't what he envisioned. And it's a bit childish of him to insist.

TeeGypt · 14/05/2025 22:08

I’d just tell him that you’ve invited them, they’re coming, and there’s nothing he can do about it, and if he doesn’t compromise, it’ll be a baptism without the mother present.

BethDuttonYeHaw · 14/05/2025 22:08

Why is a vicar doing the christening. Surely it should be a priest if Catholic.

YANBU - your family should get to be involved too.

Original poster
BB333 · 14/05/2025 22:14

Supersimkin7 · 14/05/2025 21:55

Christening = the whole occasion
baptism = the religious ceremony

Well done DF on paying for it. Aren’t you and the godparents doing the classes yet?

Not allowed to have the godparents I want as there’re not catholic DP said. He’s choosing the godparents. He doesn’t know who yet.
absolutely no word about going to any classes or anything like that.

OP posts:
Original poster
BB333 · 14/05/2025 22:15

AnotherDelphinium · 14/05/2025 21:51

YANBU. Also, I don’t think he has a say in who goes into the church, he could possibly not invite them to an after-party, but that’s all.

Is he worried about the cost of hosting an extended event? Why does he want immediate family only?

Not an issue about cost as my DF is paying for it bless him.

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 14/05/2025 22:18

DP is quite a devout Catholic.
well, no he isnt since you said dp and not dh.
so tell him to get to duck and your relatives are coming.

Mulledjuice · 14/05/2025 22:19

You've said DP twice. So does that mean you're not married?

Not that devout, is he? Picking and choosing a bit. Of course you get to invite your family and have a say in godparents.

Original poster
BB333 · 14/05/2025 22:20

LeavesTrees · 14/05/2025 21:59

I’m on the fence. I think you should have both had a discussion before inviting people, that way you would have both known your stance on it. Then you could have decided to go ahead with it or not. It sounds like your DH is coming from a religious perspective and you are coming more from an excuse for a party perspective. So for that reason I swing more towards what your DH wants.

But he didn’t stipulate that he just wants immediate family in all the months leading up to it. And when he said “check what family members can come” I assumed he meant my whole family otherwise he would’ve said “check that your mum and dad can come”.
if it really was immediate family only then all I’d have is mum DM and DF there. DB lives in Oz. Yet DP would have his parents plus 4 brothers plus their partners and children, plus one of the nieces bf’s!

OP posts:
Original poster
BB333 · 14/05/2025 22:24

Mulledjuice · 14/05/2025 22:19

You've said DP twice. So does that mean you're not married?

Not that devout, is he? Picking and choosing a bit. Of course you get to invite your family and have a say in godparents.

Don’t get me started! He’s catholic when he wants to be. We have our DD together too obviously, she was a happy surprise.
i don’t know much about Catholicism But I’m pretty sure I shouldn’t have a baby and be living with him unmarried.
like I say he’s picks and chooses.
if he’s got a slight fuzzy head from having one can too many the Saturday before then that Sunday visit to church is dropped pretty quick!

OP posts:
Stripeyanddotty · 14/05/2025 22:29

Not allowed to have the godparents I want as there’re not catholic DP said

He is correct in that regard. The godparent should also have been confirmed.

CarpetKnees · 14/05/2025 22:46

YA both BU to not communicate with each other.

Any 'occasion' or event should be discussed between you before either of you make any arrangements.
It is neither right nor wrong to keep any event to immediate family or to invite everyone you are related to, but you would both need to know what you have in mind, before arranging anything.
If it is only going to be 8 of you you'd be more likely to have any food and drink back at the house whereas if there is going to be 50 of you, you are going to need a hall, etc etc.

I find it really strange that you never discussed it beforehand, when he first said he wanted to do this, my question would have been "What do you have in mind?"