Christening

[BB333]

just to clarify I’m an atheist, DP is quite a devout Catholic.
came down this morning to my DP telling me the vicar had msg’d him the available dates for our DD christening/ baptism. I said that’s fine and will give my family members the dates and see what everyone can do.
Ive had no say in the day, which, as an atheist I’m not too bothered about, but it means a lot to my DP so have let him have control.
DP come home and I was very excited to tell him that lots of my family (some of which live 5 hours away) could all make a certain date.
i started mentioning the relatives names ie, Aunty and Uncle so and so.

DP then turns round and says that he wants only immediate family to attend. He didn’t stipulate this. He’s now expecting me to call all these relatives up and tell them they’re not invited.

im so upset. I’ve told him that I think he’s being really horrible about it. I was really looking forward to seeing my family and having a a lovely day of celebrating even though I’m not religious. It’s not a matter of money as my Dad is paying for the day.

AIBU to be this upset?

I’m Jewish and I have godparents! I always understood that it was choosing people who would take care of your child if you can’t. I didn’t think it was a Christian or religious thing (yes, I know it’s “god” parents, but I presumed it was just a name that was used).

No disrespect meant at all. But as an atheist I literally have no idea. Even got “told off” by the DP for calling the priest a vicar and the baptism a christening. 🙄

Honestly I would ask him to put the money in a savings account in your daughter's name instead and tell your partner that if it's a celebration for his side of the family, his family can pay for it.

Plus, the OP should at least have veto power over the DP's preference for godparents. The godparents should be acceptable to her even though she is not Catholic.

Because they can do that without being catholics. It’s not about them it’s about the child and presumably the people you are asking (as I did) care deeply about the child and the parents and respect their wishes.

They make the pledge to support the parents in bringing up children in the catholic faith. Using common sense why on earth would a non catholic be unable to drive a child to church, for example, purchase them a prayer book or listen to and help them practise singing a hymn, or be there to celebrate their communion or confirmation @CarpetKnees

I would suggest that you get hold of the Order of Service, if only to check what obligations the parents are agreeing to take on, let alone godparents.
You have, on your own admission, a fairly sketchy knowledge of what being a practising Catholic entails; fair enough, you're an atheist, not your concern.
Who will be teaching the little one their first prayers? Looking forward a few years, training up for First Confession, First Holy Communion, confirmation? If your DP is prepared to undertake these responsibilities, fair enough, but himself has avoided the Holy Sacrament of marriage, and his attendance at Sunday Mass can be a bit dependent on the previous Saturday, so the phrase "pick and mix" would seem to apply.
Is he going to take on letting the uninvited ones know that they are not expected to come?

If your family aren't going, your dad isn't paying

Thanks, it happens a lot on here.

My girls are both baptised Catholic. Only 1 godparent has to be a confirmed Catholic. Others can be any religion or none, as long as they promise to 'not lead them off the Christian path' we were told.

I’ve told him that if he doesn’t want them to
come then he has to ring them himself and tell them. And face any consequences that involves as my family will be very upset.

They key words are 'they are going to support the parents to.....' not that they are going to do it themselves.
Both my girls are baptised Catholic
DD1 - 2 Catholic godparents, 1 CoE, 1 atheist
DD2 - 2 Catholic godparents, 1 CoE, 1 'I have no idea'

DH is Catholic, I an CoE

Primarily we picked people whose broad values aligned with our own, who we felt would be supportive, positive role models, not by their religion.

It's been really clear to me what you meant in all your posts

Same here. Also there is at least one Vicar in the Roman Catholic Church. His name is Leo XIV.

I've just had a thought. Why not have your DP organise the christening with just immediate family and the God parents and you can organise a naming ceremony for all the family and friends to attend that your Dad pays for.

Equally if you have family members travelling 5 hours to come to the christening it’s a long way to just turn up to church and then go home or back to a hotel. So it will need sorting before hand

Not all those godparents will be listed as such on the baptismal cert though.

What the church considers an official godparent and what a family considers a godparent can be a bit different sometimes.

Great excuse for a meet up, yanbu, @BB333! Weddings, christenings, funerals, it’s time for family get togethers, imo. If I wasn’t invited to a baptism, I’d be wondering if I’d upset the parents. Given you’re compromising by agreeing to him wanting your child baptised, plus your dad is paying, he can shove it, frankly.

Don't tell him that.

Tell him you are overruling him.

He is being unnecessarily nasty about this . The Catholic Church and the priest has no objections to non Catholic, atheists included attending a christening. And a party is for everyone . Sausage rolls can be enjoyed by people of all faiths .

Ask him, what would Jesus do.
He is being very unChristian.

He is being ridiculous. Maybe let him organise the ceremony and you take responsibility for the party, but this is an occasion for your baby and you can have whoever you want there. If he makes a fuss tell him you are organising a naming ceremony instead, and he can attend or not as he pleases.

They actually can’t!

But I agree a party is for everyone and everyone OP wants to invite should be able to attend the christening. Just inviting mostly his family is nonsense.

Unfortunately I don't know enough about Judaism to know anything about how the concept of godparents is applied within the Jewish faith.

But although I am atheist I have Christian friends and family and that's not what it means at all! Someone you designate to take care of your child in the event of your death is their guardian, and it's a legal matter, nothing to do with religion.

A godparent (in Christianity) is someone who promises to help teach the child about the religion and guide them in their faith. As such, it makes no sense for an atheist to be a godparent.

I am a proud aunt and have children of friends who I'm close to. I certainly try and be a role model for them and guide them where appropriate to be good caring people. But I am not, and could never be, someone's godparent.

Oh, I totally understand your upset about not being able to have your family at the christening when his will be. (My family live on a different continent to me so couldn't attend my kids' christenings anyway, but I can't imagine that they would have any desire to do so anyway, not being religious themselves.) That's a different point though,

But as far as godparents go, if you're atheist surely it doesn't matter to you who they are. I don't see why you wouldn't be happy for him to make the decision about that. When my kids were baptized I didn't think it was any of my business who the godparents were and I couldn't have cared less.

My eldest two children were baptised because it was important to DH’s family. They’re Catholic too but DH is agnostic at best. I am atheist, as is most of my family. I was still allowed an equal say in the guest list and godparents. We also had one non-Catholic godparent for each daughter - not an issue for DD1 but they didn’t mention that godparent during the service for DD2 which I was furious about. Still am.

Your DP is being a twat! You can invite who you like and he can invite who he likes.

That’s not true
We have two atheists as godparents to our Catholic children
We just had to ensure at least one is Catholic
So we have three children
Two of them have couples which are atheists so the6 have a third godparent each that’s a Catholic
The other has one CofE and a Catholic

Tell your dp he is wrong
You can add your non Catholic choices on to his Catholic

and No
I wouldn’t accept the choice of invites is just your dps. They are your kids too and I think you are being marvellous accepting his choice of religion for your child 💐