Christening

[BB333]

just to clarify I’m an atheist, DP is quite a devout Catholic.
came down this morning to my DP telling me the vicar had msg’d him the available dates for our DD christening/ baptism. I said that’s fine and will give my family members the dates and see what everyone can do.
Ive had no say in the day, which, as an atheist I’m not too bothered about, but it means a lot to my DP so have let him have control.
DP come home and I was very excited to tell him that lots of my family (some of which live 5 hours away) could all make a certain date.
i started mentioning the relatives names ie, Aunty and Uncle so and so.

DP then turns round and says that he wants only immediate family to attend. He didn’t stipulate this. He’s now expecting me to call all these relatives up and tell them they’re not invited.

im so upset. I’ve told him that I think he’s being really horrible about it. I was really looking forward to seeing my family and having a a lovely day of celebrating even though I’m not religious. It’s not a matter of money as my Dad is paying for the day.

AIBU to be this upset?

Nope. Both witnesses christened CoE.

You tell him you want to invite your family and will be doing so. The Christening is important to him. Having your family there is important to you.

That's the end of the discussion especially as it's your father paying.

You get an equal say in these things. You don't need to be allowed to do anything regarding your child. As your child’s mother you make decisions that are the best for you and your child.

I don’t know if the Catholic Church charge for a Baptism but perhaps your partner could pay for that, bearing in mind he can’t stop anyone accessing the church so your wider family and friends could attend the event.

Then you father could host and pay for a Christening ‘do’ for his grandchild. I’m sure he wouldn’t be so churlish to refuse any of his grandchildren’s parental family invitations.

Just an idea.

Doesn’t make any sense so. Sorry that happened to you, upsetting.

He’s Catholic, that’s what Catholics do

No
because atheists can be too, as we’ve already discussed

The church don’t ‘charge’ for anything
A donation is gracefully received though and needed tbh to keep churches going. Those roof repairs cost a fortune.

Well you said that mightn’t actually have been mentioned in your case?😁

They’re not supposed to be.
Your priest sounds like he does his own thing though. Maybe he doesn’t ask on purpose, I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

Well, there we go then. A win:win.

It won’t cost baby’s father anything but, if the Maternal Granddad is anything to go by, the maternal family sound pretty generous so might lob a few £s into the collection before going on to have a celebration of baby's naming.

Catholics gonna catholic!

You’ve lost me there 🙃

Sshh🤫

As in they will do what they always do

Sorry it's like a slang term like "haters gonna hate" that you just apply to people you can't persuade otherwise

But seriously
I know mine didn’t ask that’s probably why everyone’s on the certs

but
Honestly

You can have non Catholics and even non believers as long as one person is a Catholic.
They can all call themselves godparents
They are all treated equally during the ceremony. There’s no outing or preferential treatment of the Catholic ones. ( no idea what’s on the certs tho)

My nephews had this and my brothers priest isn’t as crazy as mine.

@DrPrunesqualer
This is the situation as stated by a (fairly easygoing) parish local to me:
The church requires at least one godparent who is a practising, confirmed Catholic age 16 or older. That godparent’s name is entered into the parish record book as the “official” godparent or sponsor for baptism.
If you choose more than two godparents, one or two may have their names entered into the book as “official” godparents, and the others can be “honorary” godparents. You don’t have to tell them which is which. All the godparents’ personal relationship to the child and to you as a family is the same whether their names are recorded in the book or not.
If you choose two godparents of the same sex, one can be the “official” godparent for the record book, and the other can be the “honorary” one. (Just as above, you don’t have to tell anyone which is which except us.)
Baptised non-Catholic Christians may not be “official” godparents for the record book, but they may be Christian witnesses for your child.
People who are not baptised Christians cannot be sponsors for baptism, since they themselves are not baptised. However, you may certainly invite non-Christian friends or relatives to attend the celebration and to have a special place in your child’s life, sharing with your child their own faith traditions.

Thus, you can have a maximum of two official godparents in a Catholic baptism (one of each sex).
They are the Church rules.
I don’t know how strictly they are adhered to.

Sometimes it appears non-offical godparents are not treated equally btw.
A pp described that experience.

That’s interesting, I haven’t seen the rule book
Thanks for that

So glad we’ve got an easy going priest because rather weirdly the only godparents that care about my kids are the non Catholics and athiests

One sons Catholic gp, didn’t even attend the ceremony and has never met him although he does get a Christmas card
My brother was godparent to the other two and he’s very nasty to them because they are privately educated and he’s clearly a bit sour about that. So we haven’t seen him since my parents funerals

So hurrar for my lovely priest

Hurrah for your lovely priest indeed 😀

But how can they be godparents if not there for the ceremony?

That's a very strange thing to be sour about, fine to disagree with private education (I do, especially for primary, unless it's for specific needs which can't be met in state) but it's not the child's choice so why on earth treat them differently because of it? Unless they go to a very pompous sort of private school and their behaviour reflects that - I do know a few children like this, DH cousins children treat mine with an air of disdain and openly criticise their school, our car, our jobs and anything else they happen to feel superior on 😂

The priest does sound lovely 😊

You can have a proxy to stand in on the day if the godparent can’t make it to the baptism. We did this. (A child became ill at the last minute and their parent, who was the intended godparent, couldn’t travel as a result.)

@Coffeebadlyneeded You're right of course re : sausage rolls . Thought that after posting but you were quick to point out that some religions prohibit pork . OK can we agree that people if many faiths can eat cake 🎂?😆

Definitely! 😁

Our priest said it was OK to not be there.
She sent a letter agreeing to be godparent and explaining she couldn’t make it.

Re My brother
He actually slags off the boys school ( that he knows nothing about as we don’t live close to him at all ) in front of the boys and to the boys. He hates that we can afford it I think. He and his wife have an issue with our choices when it comes to our kids. He’s slagged off our name choices too, what they wear, their hobbies, the fact they play musical instruments, what they chose to do at Uni……everything!

Some people chose to have a miserable life !

Thanks Coffee,
it was a while ago and I couldn’t remember
Yes it was a stand in

I, too, was coming on to mention the word “allowed” cropping up a few times, but have seen you’ve responded to the pp about that now.

However, despite you not being religious, it is also your daughter who is getting baptised, and as such you have every right to invite whoever you want to. Especially as your father is paying! The fact that your partner is issuing all these orders and rules as to who can and cannot come would piss me off immensely, and I would completely ignore him! That alone would have me telling him that he should bugger off with his “allowed” list and that you will be inviting your family - and you mention that some of your family are Christians anyway? But the fact that your father is paying just takes his shitty behaviour, regarding this, to an entirely whole new level and absolutely no way (in hell!! 😈) would I be doing what he says. Invite your family, the gathering afterwards is also important, christenings are meant to be a celebratory day and having wider family there as well is so important (those who you want there and can attend), because this day is about your daughter and the more - close - family she has that love her and want to be there the better!

Honestly, let him sulk and get over it, tell him they are coming. Don’t give in and tell him he will have to uninvite them himself, just tell them they will be there, like it or lump it, and if anything is going to ruin the day it will be him if he chooses to be so petulant about it!

I still can’t get over him thinking he’s the law on this, especially as your father is paying! Wtf is he thinking that he even thinks it is only up to him?! Put your foot down. It’s your daughter and your family so tell him he should be happy that so many people are there for their niece/cousin/whatever ( aside from just the immediate family) and that she has so many people who love her. And that it is going to happen, whether he agrees or not. His cousins aren’t immediate family either so tell him to suck it up. Or pay for the whole thing himself if he thinks that what he says goes.

eta: to clarify when I mentioned inviting who you like, and the after gathering in the same sentence up there, I didn’t mean invite them only to the party part, I still meant the whole day.

You’ve completely missed my point. Family members want to attend a family occasion. I understand this. If you read my post properly you will see that I have made a distinction between a family occasion and a religious ceremony. My contention is that this distinction is the basis of the misunderstanding between OP and her DP.

Devout Christians of any denomination don't have premarital sex.

Are you sure you want a relationship where DP tells you what you're "allowed" to do? Put your foot down, whether it's telling him there isn't going to be a Christening, or telling him you'll invite who you choose.