Christening

[BB333]

just to clarify I’m an atheist, DP is quite a devout Catholic.
came down this morning to my DP telling me the vicar had msg’d him the available dates for our DD christening/ baptism. I said that’s fine and will give my family members the dates and see what everyone can do.
Ive had no say in the day, which, as an atheist I’m not too bothered about, but it means a lot to my DP so have let him have control.
DP come home and I was very excited to tell him that lots of my family (some of which live 5 hours away) could all make a certain date.
i started mentioning the relatives names ie, Aunty and Uncle so and so.

DP then turns round and says that he wants only immediate family to attend. He didn’t stipulate this. He’s now expecting me to call all these relatives up and tell them they’re not invited.

im so upset. I’ve told him that I think he’s being really horrible about it. I was really looking forward to seeing my family and having a a lovely day of celebrating even though I’m not religious. It’s not a matter of money as my Dad is paying for the day.

AIBU to be this upset?

You may not be catholic, but you are the mother of a child who is going to be raised catholic.
You and your DP seem to be having a major communication failure. You not too bothered/leaving this to him then being annoyed that it’s not happening how you want it. Then him planning it to suit himself, seemingly not wanting to consider your wishes at all.
The two of you need to sit down and have a proper discussion about this, and probably all sorts of other life choices.

I’m not Catholic yet I have a Catholic godson. The other godparent is Catholic however. The priest said as long as I was a good person it was ok.

He wants your dad (who I'm guessing isn't religious either) to pay for a party for his side of the family?

That'd be a big fat no.

Just tell him that if your family aren't invited your family won't be paying for it.

I was also (non-Catholic) godmother at a Catholic baptism.

I'm Catholic and as far as our church asked it was that one God Parent was Catholic or even Christian. However Godparents specifically are supposed to be for religious guidance 🤷‍♀️ mine mostly just give better birthday and Christmas presents.

You can write "fuck" on here.
🤣

At least one godparent needs to be Catholic, baptised and confirmed.

Baptised non-Catholic Christians may not be official godparents (for the record book) but they may be Christian witnesses for your child, so an unofficial godparent if you like. People who are not baptised Christians cannot be sponsors for baptism, since they themselves are not baptised.

If you’re having two official godparents (max number allowed) one must be male and one female. If you choose two people of the same sex only one will be recorded as the official godparent I think.

I’m in Ireland and christenings I’ve attended usually consist of the child’s parents and grandparents (and sometimes great grandparents), aunts and uncles and cousins of the child ( ie the child’s parents’ siblings and their children). Sometimes there are extra extended family members or friends, but the occasions are much smaller than weddings for example.

In your case the size of immediate family isn’t balanced as your DP will have his siblings, nephew/nieces and partners as well as parents. I think it much fairer that you invite other family members to make up the same sort of numbers from your side.

I do think you need to sit down and have
talk with DP about everything. Also take time to consider what it means to raise your child Catholic as an atheist yourself.

I recently became a godparent in a catholic christening and I’m not catholic, the priest was fine with it.

Absolutely not true about Godparents. For a catholic ceremony you need one baptised and confirmed RC. I know this as my daughter’s Godparents are my brother ( Baptised, confirmed, RC) and his sister (atheist). It’s a family celebration. Everyone should come. It’s not exclusive but inclusive. My priest would be horrified at the thought of excluding even remote family members.

OP, I really don’t understand your DP - in my book, a Christening is an occasion to welcome the new baby both into the Church and into the family. Most particularly if your DF is paying for the Christening, then you should be able to invite any family you want. Remind your DP that the Christening is actually for your baby, and as it is part of a wider family, then they should be there. My DGS’s Christening was a very happy occasion, with the party held in the Church Hall - so room for lots of people!

Are you family non religious? Some people can be quite rude and sneering towards Catholicism, and maybe he's worried if there's more of them than his side of the family, that mood will dominate the room?

I think if you were leaving it up to him to organise, I can see why he'd be annoyed you'd changed what he had in mind by inviting lots more people. How many people have you invited? Does it mean he needs to hire a hall etc to feed everyone?

Yes, you only need one official godparent who has to be Catholic, baptised, confirmed. You can have two official godparents, one of each sex.

If a person isn’t Catholic they won’t be an official godparent in the eyes of the church. I don’t think their name will be recorded as godparent on the baptismal records. They’ll still be considered a godparent by the family of course.

Well we did discuss jointly how it was all to go, and i don't care if a church is opened i wouldn't turn up to an event at a church if I was not invited and wouldn't expect others too

The OP has already said (twice) that her father is paying.

How's that relevant to what I said?

I think you should have had a conversation about this and other details with your dp before you started inviting people. But it's a bit late now so you should apologise to your dp but not uninvite anyone. It's difficult when both parents have different views on this kind of thing.

My ds is being baptised next week and we have invited the people who would be at church anyway and a few friends.

Your last question was "does he need to hire a hall to feed people" meaning the OP's partner.

Right, and what, because OP's dad is paying, it's not a faff to have to throw a big party vs just having your immediate family round?

I'm 'catholic' also (although I don't believe in the Flying Spaghetti Monster) and I have always know it as a christening, baptism being the specific moment of the baby having the 'holy water' applied to their head.
Also, had a big lovely all-family gathering for my most youngest DS's christening. Loads of aunts and uncles as was back in Ireland...

Can I ask, OP, if DP such a devout catholic how is it he is DP rather than DH? (Not that I care, just being nosy!)

sponsors?

"bless him" 😂

just call the christening off. Your child can make up their own mind once they are old enough. As an atheist, I don't understand why you would go so happily along with this religious circus.

'He' is the DF of OP. Hiring a hall therefore would be DF. Sentence before referenced DP, as if he would have to pay?

Devoit Catholics wouldn't live together or have a baby . But who said he was devout ? Often life events mean people like to keep the religious traditions . The Catholic church don't discriminate towards unmarried parents . I do think you should familiarise yourself as to what you are going to have to publicly committ to . Again it also depends on how entrenched you are in being an atheist . I am suprised you do not have to attend a class or two . Perhaps your DP feels it is not appropriate to have a lot of non believers in the church for the ceremony. But the priest again round not discriminate if so . If uiur DF is paying I don't think he can complain about your family attending the party afterwards . It just celebrating your new baby .