Christening

[BB333]

just to clarify I’m an atheist, DP is quite a devout Catholic.
came down this morning to my DP telling me the vicar had msg’d him the available dates for our DD christening/ baptism. I said that’s fine and will give my family members the dates and see what everyone can do.
Ive had no say in the day, which, as an atheist I’m not too bothered about, but it means a lot to my DP so have let him have control.
DP come home and I was very excited to tell him that lots of my family (some of which live 5 hours away) could all make a certain date.
i started mentioning the relatives names ie, Aunty and Uncle so and so.

DP then turns round and says that he wants only immediate family to attend. He didn’t stipulate this. He’s now expecting me to call all these relatives up and tell them they’re not invited.

im so upset. I’ve told him that I think he’s being really horrible about it. I was really looking forward to seeing my family and having a a lovely day of celebrating even though I’m not religious. It’s not a matter of money as my Dad is paying for the day.

AIBU to be this upset?

Only Catholics can be official godparents in Catholic baptisms though? Other Christians can be official witnesses, not official godparents, and there must be at least one godparent. The max number of official godparents you can have is two, one of each sex.

So according to the church your children have one official godparent each @DrPrunesqualer? And the third maybe a witness too? The people the family consider to be godparents can be different and often is as in your case. But these terms do have meaning within the Catholic Church and baptism is a religious ceremony.

The Catholic institution of godparenthood - A godparent must normally be an appropriate person, at least sixteen years of age, a confirmed Catholic who has received the Eucharist, not under any canonical penalty, and may not be the parent of the child. Someone who belongs to another Christian church cannot become a godparent but can be a 'witness' in conjunction with a Catholic sponsor. A witness does not have any religious role recognized by the Church.

From Code of Canon Law.

You’ve not tagged me but this is relevant to what I posted.

When DD1 was baptised, she had 2 catholic godparents and 1 witness. We knew there would be a distinction but all were treated equally on the day. They were all on the certificate too. Maybe we got lucky. Her “witness” has been the most invested godparent.

DD2 - same set up with godparents but the witness was not mentioned or put on the certificate. Same church but different priest. He was aware before hand and said it wasn’t an issue. We were blindsided on the day. Another time where her “witness” is the most present in her life.

That all influenced our decision not to baptise DS as we didn’t want to choose random Catholics just for the sake of it. We’ve chosen godparents we know will engage with him because they’ve proven they care for our children already with no title necessary.

Yes
I’m aware of that I’m a Catholic
That doesn’t, however, stop all of them being Godparents in their eyes to our kids. After all if they’re not Catholic the rules of the RC church are irrelevant to them. The Catholic godparent looks after all that

Agree
All of ours are on the cert too
They are noted as godparents as well

Maybe there wasnt a box for witness in those days ?.

Presumably he has been going to confession as he’s a strict Catholic

( for all those misdemeanours )

My understanding is that other Christians can be registered as official witnesses only, but not people of other faiths or none. This is because, as far as the Church is concerned, the role of godparent is to help raise the child in a Christian (Catholic) faith.
Could this be the difference in DD1 and DD2’s godparents perhaps?

I don’t know.
You can only have two normally.
Maybe you had a maverick priest 😁🤷‍♀️
Did he know they weren’t Catholic?

I find it unbelievable that your part time religious when it suits him partner is kicking off over this, especially when he is not paying!

he can’t stop anyone attending the church and I bet your dad would not refuse his family coming to any after event!

I would be telling him this is the opportunity for the whole family to celebrate and they are coming

It seems to me that you must have been talking at crossed purposes for a long time. You have looked upon this event as a family celebration, he has seen it as a religious ceremony. It’s perfectly reasonable to assume that a religious ceremony is for people who share that religion. That will be why he only wants close family. Why would atheists want to come to a baptism? Neither of you is wrong you simply have different (entrenched) ideas about what the day is for. You need to have the reasoned discussion that you should have had months ago, otherwise this is going to turn into a source of resentment for years.

Errrm…..that’s a good question
I don’t remember him asking tbh

We chose one Catholic because we knew we needed to
I don’t actually remember ever having a conversation with him
He was a bit of a maverick though and used to dance in the aisle to hymns he liked for example. The kids loved him

🕺

Why would atheists want to come to a baptism?

Because they love and support the child and her parents presumably?

OP is an atheist and I’m guessing she’ll want to attend 😉

He sounds brilliant!!😁

😆And how do they test that? Throw some holy water on them to check if it burns them?

Oh well, if you decide to let the christening take place, PPs have cleared up that anyonecan go to the church, your DF is paying for the party after the church - make it clear that twatface partner is not invited to that.

I agree. If he insists on OP uninviting most of her family, he should pay for everything himself.

Excellent idea

Well, not Muslims or Jews... 😅

Tell him tough shit, they're all coming, as the mother of the child you want them all there and he can't do anything about it. I'd actually tell him he's being a cunt but you might need a few more episodes of his cunty behaviour to come round to that.

Your DH sounds a bit of a prick. He’s not even paying for it and wants to limit you to two guests whilst he gets 10+. Your dad is paying for it so he can do one. Don’t give in.

Tell him either all your relatives come or it’s cancelled.

You will be a classed as a Christian witness not officially classed as a godparent as you have to be Catholic to be the godparent. Doesn't make you any less involved in the service might I add.

This sounds like a shit show. Your not on the same page. Having a baptism isn't an excuse for a party. You should meet the priest, read the bible and decide if you want your child to become a catholic. If you can't agree wait until your child is older let them decide for themselves.

Moat people do have a family party after a baptism?

Is it because you're not married that in his catholicness he doesn't see your family as his proper family

Or indeed let the kid decide. I resent being christened when I was a baby as I was never going to believe in any god