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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 2 months of dating too soon for the exclusivity chat?

246 replies

confused2233 · 14/05/2025 10:01

I have been dating this guy for just under 2 months now. We’ve seen each other about 7/8 times so on average once a week. We’ve slept together a lot and I think I am starting to get some feelings.

I think I want to ask him now if he’s dating other people. Even though he seems really into me, I just have a feeling he is still using hinge as I’ve seen it pop up on his recent apps on his phone.

I don’t know how to approach this though and whether it’s too soon, and also what to do if he says yes.

OP posts:
Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 07:33

I agree @TwistedWonder and this jumped out at me:

I think he was surprised at my reaction and that I wasn’t more angry at him.

It sounds as if even the guy was surprised that OP didn’t immediately walk away.

Original poster
confused2233 · 27/05/2025 08:32

Probably not my smartest move. But I can’t change the past. Onwards and upwards

OP posts:
BunnyLake · 27/05/2025 08:47

confused2233 · 27/05/2025 00:03

Just giving an update now I’ve thought about it.
We met a couple of days ago and he basically said that he enjoys hanging out with me, but I am more of a friend and he doesn’t feel a connection!! But he then suggested we could potentially carry on as casual…

I was quite upset even though I know deep down it’s the right thing. I said no to casual, but then we ended up sleeping together one more time. I think he was surprised at my reaction and that I wasn’t more angry at him.

I don’t regret sleeping with him, but I do regret being so naive and stupid thinking he liked me and that by having sex regularly he was into me.

I have so much work to do on my self esteem and self value. I am removing myself from the dating scene for now.

Please be kind 🥺

Ah I’m sorry to hear that. A lot of us have been there, even naively (wrongly) thinking our ‘life’ partners would connect to us more through intimacy.

Onwards and upwards 💐

(Ha, I didn’t see you said that as well 😁)

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 08:48

Probably not my smartest move. But I can’t change the past. Onwards and upwards

That is true, you can’t change the past and equally it’s important to reflect on your past actions sometimes to avoid repeating the same patterns /mistakes.

Original poster
confused2233 · 27/05/2025 09:36

Thanks! Yes I feel like I’ve probably been super naive but I just felt like the whole time he was giving me mixed messages. Urgh, think I need to watch some Matthew Hussey videos today!

OP posts:
Original poster
confused2233 · 27/05/2025 12:19

@Springtime43 an update incase you missed it!

OP posts:
AltitudeCheck · 27/05/2025 12:29

Did you really like him for who he was and what he brought to the table? Or did you just like that he seemed into you, that he was giving you attention etc?

Are you actually going to miss him or will you just miss having someone?

If you are a people pleaser, have low self esteem and are generally conflict avoidant it's easy to find yourself giving too much and not setting boundaries based on what you want / expect from a relationship.

What he is offering is not what you are looking for, so he isn't the one for you. Don't be tempted to wait for him to change or try to become what he wants. Leave him, let him be a player if he wants to be one, but chose to spend your valuable time elsewhere!

Original poster
confused2233 · 27/05/2025 12:59

No I don’t think he was the one for me. But it still hurts, I feel like he led me on!

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 27/05/2025 13:30

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 06:25

OP I can’t lie, it does sting when a man is happy to have sex and even hang out with you but doesn’t see you as a girlfriend. I can only say the best thing for boosting my self esteem was to say no to sex with them.

I think it was like me saying you may not value me but I value me and I am going to protect my heart and soul by not sleeping with you.

Casual sex from a man I like would have just be a poor consolation prize when what I really wanted was commitment. Despite the fact my body wanted to go along with it and deal with the aftermath later, I stuck to my guns.

I knew the 30 minutes of pleasure they would give me wouldn’t be worth the damage it would to do to my psyche and self worth.

The 2nd guy I mentioned upthread, annoyed as he was actually said just before I left his place that he had a grudging respect for me by sticking to what I said in not having sex with him.

I don’t really care for his respect as he’s not even worthy of mine, but it did feel good to give myself what I know is best for me in the long term.

Edited

Second one sounds like a misogynist with a Madonna/whore complex

Springtime43 · 27/05/2025 14:54

Hi OP, thanks for that update. I'm sorry it went the way it did, but you have definitely done the right thing, better to find out now than in 3+ months time. And I agree about taking a break from dating and working on your self esteem. Take the pressure off for a while.

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 15:08

JenniferBooth · 27/05/2025 13:30

Second one sounds like a misogynist with a Madonna/whore complex

Show quote history

You’re probably right. He also tried to make me feel bad for being relatively sexually inexperienced (we had discussed this earlier). It was all very strange.

We left on good terms and spoke for a while after but I don’t speak to him at all anymore.

Original poster
confused2233 · 27/05/2025 16:23

I was feeling ok about it earlier but now I just feel a bit sad and sorry for myself, and completely used!

OP posts:
JenniferBooth · 27/05/2025 19:13

@confused2233 I cant remember whether ive already shared this here but just in case i havent i thought you would find it interesting.

https://www.thefp.com/p/loveless-sex-is-not-empowering Its about how hook up culture benefits men at the expense of women.

What Sexual Liberation Really Looks Like

Hookup culture benefits men at the expense of women.

https://www.thefp.com/p/loveless-sex-is-not-empowering

Springtime43 · 27/05/2025 19:47

That’s a really interesting article

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 20:07

Yeah you posted it earlier @JenniferBooth but it’s worth reposting. Really good article that made a lot of good points. I’ve said this for a while, women have taken massive steps backwards in so many ways under the guise of progression and revolution etc

One example is the “modern man” who insists on 50/50 income wise, while not pulling his weight at home. I’m all for true 50/50 but all too often that’s not what you get. Slightly off topic but that to me is just another example of men having their cake and eating it all and the while women are being bamboozled into thinking this in our favour.

JenniferBooth · 27/05/2025 20:23

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 20:07

Yeah you posted it earlier @JenniferBooth but it’s worth reposting. Really good article that made a lot of good points. I’ve said this for a while, women have taken massive steps backwards in so many ways under the guise of progression and revolution etc

One example is the “modern man” who insists on 50/50 income wise, while not pulling his weight at home. I’m all for true 50/50 but all too often that’s not what you get. Slightly off topic but that to me is just another example of men having their cake and eating it all and the while women are being bamboozled into thinking this in our favour.

Oh God yes The arguments ive got into on the "who pays on dates" threads when ive pointed out many men will be happy to do 50/50 there cos it suits their wallet but it doesnt transfer to 50/50 on housework and childcare.
I like that article but i dont agree with everything Louise Perry says. She has said elsewhere that hook up culture has affected the traditional family set up. IMO neither of these is great for women. The tradtional family set up can leave women domestically enslaved. IMO the sweet spot is somewhere in the middle.

JenniferBooth · 27/05/2025 20:24

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 20:07

Yeah you posted it earlier @JenniferBooth but it’s worth reposting. Really good article that made a lot of good points. I’ve said this for a while, women have taken massive steps backwards in so many ways under the guise of progression and revolution etc

One example is the “modern man” who insists on 50/50 income wise, while not pulling his weight at home. I’m all for true 50/50 but all too often that’s not what you get. Slightly off topic but that to me is just another example of men having their cake and eating it all and the while women are being bamboozled into thinking this in our favour.

And women being sold that paying for all of their maternity leave (despite it not being an Immaculate Conception) is empowering.

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 20:35

JenniferBooth · 27/05/2025 20:24

And women being sold that paying for all of their maternity leave (despite it not being an Immaculate Conception) is empowering.

Show quote history

IMO the sweet spot is somewhere in the middle

Yes I agree! As someone who has more than one stream of income I’d always want to keep one of them even if I was a SAHP.

Oh wow I haven’t heard that one yet re. Maternity. I can’t believe any women is buying that 😂

I do find it utterly bonkers and sad when women post about how they’re struggling to pay bills and it turns out they’re on maternity leave and their partner who fathered the child has a decent paying job.

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 20:41

Oh God yes The arguments ive got into on the "who pays on dates" threads when ive pointed out many men will be happy to do 50/50 there cos it suits their wallet but it doesnt transfer to 50/50 on housework and childcare.

This! Tbh thankfully I’ve only came across one man who wanted to go halves when dating and that was back in my 20s! 😂 I spend too much time and money getting ready and catching an Uber if it’s late afterwards to go halves 😆

Springtime43 · 27/05/2025 21:14

My ex and I used to split all bills 50/50. This practically wiped out my monthly wage, while he had hundreds left. Apparently that was fair and equal. And if I’d gone on maternity leave, I would still have needed to pay 50%. And apparently childcare would have been one of my expenses. Looking back it’s actually a blessing we split up

JenniferBooth · 27/05/2025 22:11

Springtime43 · 27/05/2025 21:14

My ex and I used to split all bills 50/50. This practically wiped out my monthly wage, while he had hundreds left. Apparently that was fair and equal. And if I’d gone on maternity leave, I would still have needed to pay 50%. And apparently childcare would have been one of my expenses. Looking back it’s actually a blessing we split up

What an entitled arsehole. Probably one of those bitter blokes who thinks "well women wanted equality so they can have it"

Its partly because of blokes like this that the birth rate has fallen. Women arent going to procreate with greedy misogynists like this.

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 22:54

Springtime43 · 27/05/2025 21:14

My ex and I used to split all bills 50/50. This practically wiped out my monthly wage, while he had hundreds left. Apparently that was fair and equal. And if I’d gone on maternity leave, I would still have needed to pay 50%. And apparently childcare would have been one of my expenses. Looking back it’s actually a blessing we split up

That’s wild. How can anyone justify that financial set up?

SALaw · 27/05/2025 22:58

Jeez I’m so old. If I didn’t know after 2 months where I stood I’d have gone out my mind. When did dating change so much?! We knew in the 90s and 00s where we stood very quickly.

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 23:01

I think it depends on your circle @SALaw . I remember the same nonsense from around 2010 and it was happening to many of my friends. This was in Glasgow.

SALaw · 28/05/2025 06:43

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 23:01

I think it depends on your circle @SALaw . I remember the same nonsense from around 2010 and it was happening to many of my friends. This was in Glasgow.

Ah well I left Glasgow in…2007, when I bought house with someone after dating them 6 months. We knew we were exclusive immediately because he asked me out on our first date and then we started “going out”. Literally all my pals paired off with folk within about a 5 year period around that time and we all knew if we were the girlfriend or not with people.