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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is 2 months of dating too soon for the exclusivity chat?

246 replies

confused2233 · 14/05/2025 10:01

I have been dating this guy for just under 2 months now. We’ve seen each other about 7/8 times so on average once a week. We’ve slept together a lot and I think I am starting to get some feelings.

I think I want to ask him now if he’s dating other people. Even though he seems really into me, I just have a feeling he is still using hinge as I’ve seen it pop up on his recent apps on his phone.

I don’t know how to approach this though and whether it’s too soon, and also what to do if he says yes.

OP posts:
Springtime43 · 19/05/2025 10:39

Goditsmemargaret · 19/05/2025 10:30

Block and walk away

I can never understand the current obsession with blocking, but I think you should definitely tell him WHY this isn't going to work for you, and then end the relationship. This could give him the shock of his life, and he may have a re-think, but things can't continue as they are.

Enrichetta · 19/05/2025 13:47

I wouldn’t normally advocate blocking, but in this case it may be vital. Otherwise OP will cave in once he starts sending her breadcrumbing messages. Which he will. I don’t think she is currently strong enough to resist.

Springtime43 · 19/05/2025 13:50

Enrichetta · 19/05/2025 13:47

I wouldn’t normally advocate blocking, but in this case it may be vital. Otherwise OP will cave in once he starts sending her breadcrumbing messages. Which he will. I don’t think she is currently strong enough to resist.

Or he could realise he's made a huge mistake?

EdisinBurgh · 19/05/2025 16:47

I think you should tell him Why so he has a chance to reflect. And maybe change.

if women don’t tell men we find this unacceptable how will change ever happen?

do it in writing / message if you don’t want to tell him verbally, but definitely tell him.

LittleMonks11 · 19/05/2025 18:17

EdisinBurgh · 19/05/2025 16:47

I think you should tell him Why so he has a chance to reflect. And maybe change.

if women don’t tell men we find this unacceptable how will change ever happen?

do it in writing / message if you don’t want to tell him verbally, but definitely tell him.

He had his chance when she asked, to say ‘Yes, I’d like to see you exclusively’. He chose to stick with his current MO and keep his options open.

Springtime43 · 19/05/2025 18:37

EdisinBurgh · 19/05/2025 16:47

I think you should tell him Why so he has a chance to reflect. And maybe change.

if women don’t tell men we find this unacceptable how will change ever happen?

do it in writing / message if you don’t want to tell him verbally, but definitely tell him.

This!

Original poster
confused2233 · 19/05/2025 20:02

I honestly can’t face telling him it’s over. Everytime I think about it, I just feel sad and so used. I am going to buy the book someone recommended about women who love too much 🥺

OP posts:
WayneEyre · 19/05/2025 20:12

Just let him know so you're l drawing a line for your own purposes and then delete. He's had his chance. If he tells you differently after refusing this chance, he is not serious. It's just a life lesson. Establish exclusivity explicitly before sex or getting emotionally involved. It's not about what should be. It's about how things are.

FoxChops · 19/05/2025 20:14

The real issue here isn’t this man or what he’s doing or not doing.

the issue is your lack of self worth and that will only get worse while you continue to have sex with a man who’s literally told you to your face that he’s happy to shag you but doesn’t want any commitment to you.

If you continue to see him and sleep with him, all you do is show him your words have no power and you’re effectively toothless. You’ll say it all but there’s no meaning there

honestly - you do NOT need a book to tell you what the issue is. Simply send him a message telling him that, on reflection, you’re removing yourself from his lady buffet because you don’t wish to be an option for him and you’re looking for a relationship but you understand that’s not where he is right now

and mean it. Just end it nicely and you’ll have the warm glow of knowing you did something for yourself. You stood up for yourself and you reinforced your boundaries. That’s worth a lot

yes you’ll feel rubbish because it’s ended with someone you liked but trust me on this - he’s told you loud and clear where you are in his pecking order and to ignore this is to just see you turn up on Mumsnet time and time again, in bits because he’s treating you like shit

Original poster
confused2233 · 19/05/2025 20:55

@FoxChops you have really hit the nail on the head and described the situation perfectly. I need to do this with my head held high.

OP posts:
Springtime43 · 19/05/2025 22:25

I would just say that unless he’s prepared to be exclusive, it’s over,

LittleMonks11 · 19/05/2025 22:32

FoxChops · 19/05/2025 20:14

The real issue here isn’t this man or what he’s doing or not doing.

the issue is your lack of self worth and that will only get worse while you continue to have sex with a man who’s literally told you to your face that he’s happy to shag you but doesn’t want any commitment to you.

If you continue to see him and sleep with him, all you do is show him your words have no power and you’re effectively toothless. You’ll say it all but there’s no meaning there

honestly - you do NOT need a book to tell you what the issue is. Simply send him a message telling him that, on reflection, you’re removing yourself from his lady buffet because you don’t wish to be an option for him and you’re looking for a relationship but you understand that’s not where he is right now

and mean it. Just end it nicely and you’ll have the warm glow of knowing you did something for yourself. You stood up for yourself and you reinforced your boundaries. That’s worth a lot

yes you’ll feel rubbish because it’s ended with someone you liked but trust me on this - he’s told you loud and clear where you are in his pecking order and to ignore this is to just see you turn up on Mumsnet time and time again, in bits because he’s treating you like shit

Wise words

JillyGiraffe · 20/05/2025 04:36

100% what Foxchops said!
Ending this casual arrangement may feel rubbish at first but you’ll feel so much better in the long run…

Springtime43 · 20/05/2025 15:39

Any updates OP?

Original poster
confused2233 · 27/05/2025 00:03

Just giving an update now I’ve thought about it.
We met a couple of days ago and he basically said that he enjoys hanging out with me, but I am more of a friend and he doesn’t feel a connection!! But he then suggested we could potentially carry on as casual…

I was quite upset even though I know deep down it’s the right thing. I said no to casual, but then we ended up sleeping together one more time. I think he was surprised at my reaction and that I wasn’t more angry at him.

I don’t regret sleeping with him, but I do regret being so naive and stupid thinking he liked me and that by having sex regularly he was into me.

I have so much work to do on my self esteem and self value. I am removing myself from the dating scene for now.

Please be kind 🥺

OP posts:
Breadandsticks · 27/05/2025 01:04

confused2233 · 18/05/2025 16:12

I really appreciate everyone’s responses and advice! It does feel pretty shit to be honest - I thought he was into me and I am not even sure if he’s telling the truth about dating others. We’ve been sleeping together regularly and he has indicated in the past that he wants a serious relationship and that could be with me. It’s just confusing and hurtful but I think the only thing for me to do now is to end it. I deserve to be treated with more respect.

And yes, I did sleep with him after he told me this. Which I know was probably the wrong thing to do but as mentioned above, I have very low self esteem 😔

Please work on your self esteem.

I do hope you find someone that is there for you and adores you, but use some time to work on yourself.

Original poster
confused2233 · 27/05/2025 05:18

Thank you @JulietBravoRetired, I really hope so too

OP posts:
User5274959 · 27/05/2025 05:51

Definitely was the right thing to say no to casual as that isn't what you want (from what you've said).

It's really vital now for your self worth that your actions match what you say going forward and you don't end up falling into bed with him, because I don't think you'd feel good about that afterwards.

Probably best not to see him or meet up with him or fall back into messaging.
Make a clean break. Can you book some nice things in for yourself/with friends over the next few weeks to fill your time? X

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 06:17

I had this with guys before and it’s not even just a recent thing. Unfortunately it was common for the men in my social circle even back in 2010 when I was in my 20s. There was this one guy I’d been dating for 2 months and kissed. One night we done some more stuff and then he tried to sleep me. I assumed we were exclusive and boyfriend/girlfriend but it just popped in my head to confirm what we were. And to my dismay he said he hadn’t been with anyone else but he couldn’t say he wouldn’t get with anyone. So basically we were not exclusive and I wasn’t his girlfriend.

I left his bed and went home the next morning. No sex for him. I deleted him from Facebook and didn’t speak to him for ages as I was a humiliated after telling my friends what a lovely gentleman he was then it turned out he didn’t even want me beyond sex.

Time is a healer and Strangely enough we became good friends again at one point , although now we just very occasionally text. We are more like friendly acquaintances now.

I had a similar thing with a guy I dated more recently and it was depressingly Deja vu! Again I didn’t sleep with him after he said he didn’t need “labels” for our relationship 😩

He was furious lol I think it’s crazy how people in the dating scene think they’re entitled to sex without even defining the relationship nowadays. Truth was if he wanted to be with me seriously he’d have rushed to put a label on it. He had the nerve to say he felt used after all the time he had invested in me and then he gets no sex 🙄 vile.

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 06:25

OP I can’t lie, it does sting when a man is happy to have sex and even hang out with you but doesn’t see you as a girlfriend. I can only say the best thing for boosting my self esteem was to say no to sex with them.

I think it was like me saying you may not value me but I value me and I am going to protect my heart and soul by not sleeping with you.

Casual sex from a man I like would have just be a poor consolation prize when what I really wanted was commitment. Despite the fact my body wanted to go along with it and deal with the aftermath later, I stuck to my guns.

I knew the 30 minutes of pleasure they would give me wouldn’t be worth the damage it would to do to my psyche and self worth.

The 2nd guy I mentioned upthread, annoyed as he was actually said just before I left his place that he had a grudging respect for me by sticking to what I said in not having sex with him.

I don’t really care for his respect as he’s not even worthy of mine, but it did feel good to give myself what I know is best for me in the long term.

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 06:41

EdisinBurgh · 19/05/2025 05:18

It’s all mad.

Going out with each other (which includes not going out with other people at the same time aka “exclusive”) is not marriage!

The men - and women - can still keep their options open, end it, dump the boyfriend if they meet someone they prefer, or end up not getting on etc.

It’s not getting locked in for life. It’s basic respect.

When did “exclusive” even enter the British language as a word that is applied to our relationships - instead of tabloid news interviews - anyway?

It’s a cheap rent American import, or polygamy by the back door… 😡

Edited

It’s not getting locked in for life. It’s basic respect

I agree, it’s funny how at one point marriage was required for sex by the average woman but now you can just ask for basic commitment of being a girlfriend and some act as if you’re asking for a ring or something.

Inawhyl · 27/05/2025 07:06

LoraPiano · 14/05/2025 15:56

In the past it was safe to assume someone you are dating was not dating anyone. Men seem to be introducing more and more qualifying stages into the dating process and women are just accepting this and working hard to get "promoted" and all these stages are conveniently in their control. Forget women waiting for a marriage proposal for years, now it seems a woman has to (as per PP's daughter) wait to be asked to be his girlfriend!! It's absurd and quite damaging IMO.

This is exactly the way to describe it. Spot on.

I think some women lose themselves trying to be picked/chosen/selected, but if they really stopped and thought about it properly they would realise that most of the time the man isn’t that great.

TwistedWonder · 27/05/2025 07:29

confused2233 · 27/05/2025 00:03

Just giving an update now I’ve thought about it.
We met a couple of days ago and he basically said that he enjoys hanging out with me, but I am more of a friend and he doesn’t feel a connection!! But he then suggested we could potentially carry on as casual…

I was quite upset even though I know deep down it’s the right thing. I said no to casual, but then we ended up sleeping together one more time. I think he was surprised at my reaction and that I wasn’t more angry at him.

I don’t regret sleeping with him, but I do regret being so naive and stupid thinking he liked me and that by having sex regularly he was into me.

I have so much work to do on my self esteem and self value. I am removing myself from the dating scene for now.

Please be kind 🥺

So this man told you the he doesn’t really have any feelings for you, sees you as nothing more than a mate he shags and is still on the look out for a better offer. You felt upset by the way he spoke to and treated you but you still ended up having sex with him despite all of this.

Come on OP you really need to work on finding some self respect and raising your bar massively. You don’t want casual, he’s told you that you’re nothing more than an easy shag - so why do you feel this is what you’re worth?

Step away from dating and work on yourself so the next chancer after a FWB doesn’t get a look in. If you want a relationship then stop wasting your time on men who aren’t on the same page.