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Original poster

Is 2 months of dating too soon for the exclusivity chat?

246 replies

confused2233 · 14/05/2025 10:01

I have been dating this guy for just under 2 months now. We’ve seen each other about 7/8 times so on average once a week. We’ve slept together a lot and I think I am starting to get some feelings.

I think I want to ask him now if he’s dating other people. Even though he seems really into me, I just have a feeling he is still using hinge as I’ve seen it pop up on his recent apps on his phone.

I don’t know how to approach this though and whether it’s too soon, and also what to do if he says yes.

OP posts:
EdisinBurgh · 19/05/2025 05:18

It’s all mad.

Going out with each other (which includes not going out with other people at the same time aka “exclusive”) is not marriage!

The men - and women - can still keep their options open, end it, dump the boyfriend if they meet someone they prefer, or end up not getting on etc.

It’s not getting locked in for life. It’s basic respect.

When did “exclusive” even enter the British language as a word that is applied to our relationships - instead of tabloid news interviews - anyway?

It’s a cheap rent American import, or polygamy by the back door… 😡

JillyGiraffe · 19/05/2025 06:20

I think there’s yet another official step in the younger generation these days - my niece and a guy are ‘talking’?! So it goes talking, seeing each other (this can go on for a while), exclusive, bf/gf. All sounds very sad to me. When my husband and I were dating 12 years ago we were able to just have conversations to find out about each other and what we wanted from a relationship etc. If you don’t know where you stand with someone or whether they want something casual or serious, just talk to them about it!

FinallyHere · 19/05/2025 07:17

@confused2233

And yes, I did sleep with him after he told me this. Which I know was probably the wrong thing to do but as mentioned above, I have very low self esteem 😔

the (possibly counter intuitive) thing about self esteem is that treating yourself well is the very thing that boosts your self esteem. Try thinking about it as I slept with him again after he said I wasn’t special to him so my self esteem feels a bit dented.

Promise yourself that you are going to treat yourself well from now on. And yes, just message and block him.

you will feel so much better all round

Joystir59 · 19/05/2025 07:33

I wouldn't have started sleeping with him until I knew where we both stood regarding exclusivity.

TranceNation · 19/05/2025 07:36

Surely you seal the relationship with sex and the conversation about both ditching the apps?

Littledidsheknow · 19/05/2025 07:43

Yuck. I’d dump if I were you. Sounds like the only reason he’s not seeing anyone else is that he just hasn’t found anyone, but would if he could. Gross.
Seriously, OP, for your own self respect and self esteem get rid. You’re nothing but a body to him.

Cabinqueen · 19/05/2025 07:43

@373849595d @Littledidsheknow @UnctuousUnicorns may I join you on this bench, my older backside needs a spot to sit on... 😂

PawsAndTails · 19/05/2025 07:48

It's been a while since I've dated but, as far as I'm concerned, if you're dating someone it's 'exclusive' from the outset. If you have to shop around in case there's someone you'd prefer, then I'm not it for you.

Bechange997 · 19/05/2025 07:52

Hell no. I would’ve had this conversation after a month or less.

Bechange997 · 19/05/2025 07:54

PawsAndTails · 19/05/2025 07:48

It's been a while since I've dated but, as far as I'm concerned, if you're dating someone it's 'exclusive' from the outset. If you have to shop around in case there's someone you'd prefer, then I'm not it for you.

I am of the same opinion but I think it’s considered old fashioned now. And I’m only 30. I told my partner and exes from the start if they were sleeping with other women at the same time to find out who he liked best than he wasn’t for me.

PawsAndTails · 19/05/2025 07:56

Bechange997 · 19/05/2025 07:54

I am of the same opinion but I think it’s considered old fashioned now. And I’m only 30. I told my partner and exes from the start if they were sleeping with other women at the same time to find out who he liked best than he wasn’t for me.

Show quote history

Exactly. I mean, I think if you have to try someone else on to see if they are 'better', then how content can you be in our relationship? If you were really happy you wouldn't feel the need to look for better, or wonder if there might be better, surely?

I'm 50ish and a guy I made the mistake of going out with for a short time told me that you should be able to date more than one person in case another person was a better fit. I told him the same, if you have to wonder about that, you're clearly not that content or you wouldn't wonder. Bye dude :-)

Cabinqueen · 19/05/2025 07:59

We had sex on our second date which was probably way too soon… I think deep down I am not ready for a relationship

Sorry, if deep down your not ready, can I ask (kindly) why are asking for exclusivity?

I may be a lot older, but surely if this isn't what you want, why don't you tell him it's a "no" from you.

I'd put my big girl pants on and stop playing the "pick me" game and show him the door!!

You can do so much better than this, and as you said yourself, deep down you know he's not for you... Don't settle for anything that doesn't work for you.

You go girl and enjoy setting your bar a little higher so you can feel more empowerment in your next dating experience (is that a good way to put that...?) 🙂

Good luck! 🤩

gannett · 19/05/2025 07:59

confused2233 · 18/05/2025 16:12

I really appreciate everyone’s responses and advice! It does feel pretty shit to be honest - I thought he was into me and I am not even sure if he’s telling the truth about dating others. We’ve been sleeping together regularly and he has indicated in the past that he wants a serious relationship and that could be with me. It’s just confusing and hurtful but I think the only thing for me to do now is to end it. I deserve to be treated with more respect.

And yes, I did sleep with him after he told me this. Which I know was probably the wrong thing to do but as mentioned above, I have very low self esteem 😔

OP i would seriously advise you to think very hard about your reasons for sleeping with people as I suspect this wasn't a one-off bad decision.

I suspect you have sex to make men happy, but it's something you should only do if it makes you happy. That should be your primary thought: is it something I want? Will I enjoy it and will I feel happy afterwards?

I'm someone who can separate sex from emotion quite easily, but I really don't think I would have slept with a guy who'd just told me he didn't want to be exclusive (unless I was on the same page and we were establishing that this was going to be more of a FWB situation).

BarbedButterfly · 19/05/2025 08:04

I won't sleep with someone unless we're exclusive for sexual health reasons and I make this clear before we have sex. I usually wouldn't wait two months for sex so it sort of resolves itself really.

I would just talk to him and if he isn't ready fair enough and you can decide what you want to do

LittleMonks11 · 19/05/2025 08:06

Poor you. I had terrible self esteem when OLD and look back in horror. I wouldn’t message him again now. Don’t message him again. If he messages you, just reply that you’re looking for a relationship with someone not casual sex so you’re stepping away. All the best. You are worth more.

YourAzureEagle · 19/05/2025 08:19

Littledidsheknow · 14/05/2025 10:12

Well I feel ancient. The "exclusivity chat" didn't exist when I was younger: if you were seeing someone it was taken for granted that you weren't seeing anyone else!
Anyway, after 2 months of a sexual relationship I'd have thought that exclusivity was quite important and should be established. I wouldn't want to be sleeping with someone who was sleeping with an unknown amount of others! Just ask.

I think I'd be a bit irked that he wasn't already making it clear that you were his only one though...

This exactly, I'm a man, I would never dream of having multiple sexual relationships or dating more than one woman at a time, it's incredibly seedy, but seems to be the thing these days. I'm only 45, but like you obviously a relationship dinosaur!!

Bechange997 · 19/05/2025 08:38

PawsAndTails · 19/05/2025 07:56

Exactly. I mean, I think if you have to try someone else on to see if they are 'better', then how content can you be in our relationship? If you were really happy you wouldn't feel the need to look for better, or wonder if there might be better, surely?

I'm 50ish and a guy I made the mistake of going out with for a short time told me that you should be able to date more than one person in case another person was a better fit. I told him the same, if you have to wonder about that, you're clearly not that content or you wouldn't wonder. Bye dude :-)

Show quote history

It obviously works for some people, just not me. I always make it clear to the person right away if it goes past a first date.

Bechange997 · 19/05/2025 08:38

OP just to add you do not need to shame yourself for having sex on the second date.

Original poster
confused2233 · 19/05/2025 08:53

Thanks everyone… I am battling with myself about whether I should have another conversation with him about everything but I don’t know what purpose that will achieve and I am just clinging on for the sake of nothing..

OP posts:
LittleMonks11 · 19/05/2025 09:07

confused2233 · 19/05/2025 08:53

Thanks everyone… I am battling with myself about whether I should have another conversation with him about everything but I don’t know what purpose that will achieve and I am just clinging on for the sake of nothing..

Don’t get in contact. Step away and build some time in for yourself, friends, doing what you love. If he gets in contact with you, then explain how you feel and why you don’t wish to continue in an open casual sex arrangement as it’s not for you (sure it’s fine for him).

RedToothBrush · 19/05/2025 09:10

confused2233 · 19/05/2025 08:53

Thanks everyone… I am battling with myself about whether I should have another conversation with him about everything but I don’t know what purpose that will achieve and I am just clinging on for the sake of nothing..

You will look desparate and he gets the chance to mess with your head.

Just walk. If hes really bothered he will make the effort. You shouldn't.

Olika · 19/05/2025 09:15

Stop overthinking it. It’s very simple. This man doesn’t want you for a relationship (or even exclusivity). That should be enough for you to end it and stand head high knowing you are worth so much more. The longer you are wasting time with this wrong man, the less time you have left with the right one.

Enrichetta · 19/05/2025 09:29

If a man wants you, you’ll know it. You won’t be battling with myself about whether I should have another conversation with him about everything…

Stop letting him toy with you and start focusing on your self-worth.

MoistVonL · 19/05/2025 09:36

@confused2233 no further conversation is needed, he’s told you everything you need to know.

You are not a priority to him. You are someone he’s seeing ‘for now’ until a better option comes along. Talking about it won’t change that, it will just hurt you and make your self respect plummet.

You deserve better than to be someone’s stop gap. You don’t need to be dating someone to be of value.

Text him saying “after our conversation yesterday, I don’t think there’s a reason to keep seeing each other. All the best”.

And block and be done.

Goditsmemargaret · 19/05/2025 10:30

Block and walk away