Is 2 months of dating too soon for the exclusivity chat?

[confused2233]

I have been dating this guy for just under 2 months now. We’ve seen each other about 7/8 times so on average once a week. We’ve slept together a lot and I think I am starting to get some feelings.

I think I want to ask him now if he’s dating other people. Even though he seems really into me, I just have a feeling he is still using hinge as I’ve seen it pop up on his recent apps on his phone.

I don’t know how to approach this though and whether it’s too soon, and also what to do if he says yes.

In the past it was safe to assume someone you are dating was not dating anyone. Men seem to be introducing more and more qualifying stages into the dating process and women are just accepting this and working hard to get "promoted" and all these stages are conveniently in their control. Forget women waiting for a marriage proposal for years, now it seems a woman has to (as per PP's daughter) wait to be asked to be his girlfriend!! It's absurd and quite damaging IMO.

If you a not exclusive, I'd be straight down the STD clinic for the all clear. Don't people have a sense of responsibility these days?

I don’t think it’s dating if it’s not exclusive. What you’ve been doing so far is meeting up with someone, not dating.

So what's the difference between meeting up and dating? And I love the phrase "qualifying stages" @LoraPiano , that nails it! I think each stage needs a series of tick boxes, just for clarity!

Well, I’m of an age to be a Boomer - I met a bloke, but before anything much happened, we had that chat.

I don’t share, and nor does he. All good. 👍

Women on here are told not to do the pick me dance when they find out their partner is having an affair But then are given the message its ok to do the pick me dance while dating
But if you do this while dating you are already showing him that you are ok with it. So it wouldnt be a big stretch for the man to assume that you would be ok with this much later on.
Know your worth from the get go.

(im using the word you to speak generally Its not aimed at anyone specifically

"There was no such thing as exclusivity chats when I was dating either but they're not a hard concept to get your head around and in an age of OLD they make total sense."

No, they only make sense if you are somebody who would be happy to accept the possibility that the person you are dating might be screwing around. If on the other hand you wouldn't touch a dirty sod like that with a bargepole, it's entirely unnecessary. It certainly wasn't necessary In mY dAy. 🙄

I think people on here are assuming I am having sex without protection. We use a condom everytime.

You'll get a lot of this about the good old days. It is pragmatic to check exclusivity when one of the main ways to meet a date/ partner is online. Different times, not the downfall of society (necessarily)

I used to ask before sex if I liked them. Given that ship has sailed, ask ASAP. It's not a proposal, it just saves finding out they're still out there merrily looking around when you're getting really keen.

I would avoid getting into chats about what's gone before re any other dates. Unless you both spontaneously go 'oh but I was only seeing you anyway!', just draw a line.

I think you should educate yourself a bit more on sexual health.

I would presume exclusivity from date 1, and I would ask to confirm this within days or a very few weeks.

You don't have to like me, but you can certainly take the time to figure out whether you like me before you go to the next person. And I wouldn't dream of doing anything else to them, either.

Surely, you have that chat before sleeping together.

It's one of the first things I discussed with my new partner. Maybe that's because we met through online dating so that kind of question was hanging just waiting to be asked. With previous partners I just assumed we were exclusive because we were dating, but that was many years ago. Times have changed so I see no point in not asking up front now.

Why is it “safe to assume that automatically means exclusivity”?

According to whom? Assumptions are a dangerous thing. This is why people have conversations to make sure everybody is on the same page.

The reason modern dating is hard is because women’s desperation to be “picked” and for a man hands total control/power over to the men. It would have been inconceivable pre internet dating that someone would be dating /sleeping with a guy and for it not to be assumed it was exclusive.. if they were seeing others an automatic dumping offence. Now women are too scared to even bring it up .. why ? You are happy with a guy who has sex with you one night and a different women the next ? It’s utterly depressing. Women’s low self esteem.. desperation, willingness to put up with almost anything in the pursuit of having a man .. anyone at that is almost of epidemic proportions.

Are you deliberately being obtuse? You must have missed the "in the world not populated by jack rabbits" part of my post. I'm sorry if that's an alien concept to some people.

I have a lot of self esteem and self respect issues which I think is why I am putting off having this chat

Two books that might help you, @confused2233 :

• Women who love too much
• The six pillars of self esteem

NB: personally I would not rely on condoms exclusively - you may want to consider a belt and braces approach to contraception.

35 years for me. I'm 56, and if I ever find myself single again, for whatever reason, it's a pool I won't be jumping back into. It's become a muddy, murky, swamp and very much weighted in favour if men.

You think only people who are jack rabbits feel the need to clarify the nature of the relationship they are in?

Why would you assume your potential partner is not part of the “jack rabbit world”.

You seem angry at the concept of people taking agency for their own lives and removing assumptions from it?

I think one problem and you see it all the time in MN is if someone is showing that they are super duper into you at the start people think it’s love bombing and a red flag.

my DH had been married before me and we were both in our late 20s when we met. We fell gazonkadonk head over heels from date 1. Saw each other every day as we both had that week off work. He bought me flowers took me to nice places and proposed after a week.

there was no room in either of our heads for anyone else from day 1

32 years later we are still madly in love.

if someone is still looking around it’s not the one.

"Why would you assume your potential partner is not part of the “jack rabbit world”.

😅

Don't feel nervous about having the chat next time! He's liked you enough to keep going for 8 weeks. He too might be 'catching feelings'. (I'm too old to use that phrase without speech marks!!) However if he does want something casual, and let's you go, it's his loss. You are fabulous! He's lucky you are giving him the chance to be exclusive with you. And if he's not there yet, you can part ways with your head held high, knowing that you have had a good 8 weeks with him, but set the boundaries to suit you, and that you are now free to go and look for someone who wants the same things as you.

Then work on you. Work on doing the things you want, avoiding the things and people who make you less than fabulous. Have fun. Get fit. Take up a new hobby, and believe that you are worth loving, so that when someone comes along who likes you, you can build on that together.

I think women are at a disadvantage when they sleep with someone not knowing if they are regarded as just casual, as after sex we tend to feel more invested in a person

I was saying this exact thing recently when my son had his ‘exclusivity’ chat. I told him when I was younger if someone asked you out and you said yes it was a given you were both available and if you had your second/third date and continuing you were bf/gf. I think it must have been online dating that brought about the exclusivity chat as people can meet lots of other ‘candidates’ at the same time.

Well it did in my day. You were either dating exclusively or you were a two timing cheat.