To think that a 35 year old man setting his dating range to age 21+ is revolting?

[colachive]

DP friend is in the process of getting divorced. He is actively on the apps, as he hasn’t had sex with his ex wife for 5 years, is pretty desperate. My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag”, and down to 26+ for a relationship.

AIBU to find this gross? 21 year old girls will think a 35 year old man is ancient, no? He seems to think that that’s an acceptable age gap. For context I’m 37.

I’d be revolted that your DP made the suggestion and rethinking my relationship with them tbh.

Is it possible that his attitude is less’21 year olds are only good for a shag’ and more ‘21 year olds are more likely to be interested in just a fling themselves’? Obviously not sure and possibly giving him the benefit of the doubt but it may have been intended as an alignment of wants rather than anything more sinister.

I used to think it was disgusting when I was 22 and in a nightclub. I remember being chatted up by a 35 year old man and I was flabbergasted as to who even let him in the club 👀. I thought he belonged at home with his wife and children reading them bed time stories 🤭😅 I was also shocked at the sheer confidence the guy had thinking he was one of the kids….I gave him a prompt boot 🥾 But then, 4 years later, I paired up with a guy 10 years my senior because I was fed up at how immature guys my age were. We are still together 18 years later 😆

Its funny you thought he was so old, when you think about it - somone 13 years older than you is not thst much older than you

It’s legal what is the issue?

I think it’s probably going to more successful than you think. 21 y/o men are generally still studying, not working much, don’t have their own place, their own car, time rich and money poor. If a 21 y/o woman enjoys going out to restaurants and not getting the bus to dates and things like this, then a full time employed 36 y/o man might be an appealing prospect.

That said, I can’t see why any sane 21 y/o woman looks to get involved with a man who has kids, unless he’s going to act like he doesn’t have kids, which is both pathetic for him and sad for the kids.

Age is a number. Society used to make a thing about age gaps. They made more fuss about older women and younger men, because of course we live in a sexist society.

"I find it gross that a man of 35 expects to be able to use young girls for a shag"

But surely the girl would also be using the man of 35 for a shag as well?

To be honest, I find the idea of a relationship between a 35 and a 21 year old deeply grim. There's a power imbalance there. But I don't think that same power balance exists however when all either party are looking for is a one night stand or a brief fling. Each is essentially using the other to get their rocks off.

Its nothing to do with you or your husband what others go and do.
Get on with your own life and marriage and let others get on with what they are doing.
Sounds like they are both having a bit of fun.

I would probably spend less of my time being revolted at what other people do and focus on my own life. What other people choose to do within the law is their business.

Same, and the sex was a million miles better with the experienced 35 year old who has a rough idea of how women generally work physically than the 22 year olds who were just (literally) stabbing away in the dark

I was a consenting adult, having fun, enjoyable, stress free sex - absolutely disgusting.

I think it slaps of insecurity when people are 'disgusted' by legal age gaps between consenting adults.

You won't shame men into not thinking women in their 20s are more attractive. Their I said it.

I think the vulnerability of young adults can muddy consent.

It's not vulnerability. It's maybe naivety, but not all young adults are vulnerable.

How many of the 35 year old women on here would consider sleeping with a 21 year old man?

I wasn't into 21 year old men when I was 21. And the situation hasn't changed since then. Which I think is the point that has been made already many times on this thread - some women in their 20s do NOT want to date men of their own age - they are, for varying reasons, attracted to men who are a bit older.

Should adult women be mocked, shamed, derided, infantilised, have their preferences trampled, and made to feel that the men they are attracted to must be perverts or near paedophiles for entertaining the idea of sleeping with or having a relationship with them?

I don't think it's disgusting, no. If he was fifty I'd say marking it as that would be ridiculously optimistic. But men just would put 16 plus if they could get away with it. They want a woman, and young ones are pretty. It's not that deep..
It doesn't mean he's going to force himself on a load of 21 year olds who aren't interested.

Naivety makes you vulnerable, surely.

Are Women Who Date Older Men Seeking a Father Figure?The underlying dynamics in the young-woman-older-man relationship.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fulfillment-at-any-age/201706/are-women-who-date-older-men-seeking-a-father-figure?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost&fbclid=IwZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAAR6lttjKsnV3qboDSzpoGRVDcBLvWt0Y-_DAXzyu_r2VcXZyR53tsYDfacLrLg_aem_T0zTCRToLLit8tF9nGgWXQ

We say 'what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander'. Except there aren't many 35 year old women chasing 21 year old men.

One of the best dates i had, was when i was 40 and the man was 23.

Wisdom and young energy can be a very powerful mix.

He told me that he prefers older women, as they have more wisdom and experience.

We had a great time. Neither of us were looking for a relationship.

I think women are need to get real if they don't believe men of all ages are attracted to women in their early 20s. This is generally peak beauty.

Not all early 20s women want to deal with immature early 20s men. IME most men don't 'grow up' until they hit 40.

I think that women of all ages are also attracted physically to men in their twenties too.

Its just that society shamed women more for dating younger men, so many womem might still be nervous to do this, because of societal shame..

I think women get away with it more than men. Nobody accused a women of basically being a pedophile for dating somebody a decade younger but plenty of women (proven by this thread) are ready to accuse men if they date younger women.

You also don't get told that young men are 'vulnerable' or 'naive', which is incredibly patronising to young women. As if young men are capable of making their own decisions and confident of their sexual choices but young women are all silly little girls who are destined to be taken advantage of and soiled by older predatory men.

I disagree i have to say.

Ive received very judgy comments for dating younger men.

I told a few woman when i was dating a 23 year old. They looked at me like i was a predator, and said "he looks very young"

You do get judged.

I still date younger men, ive just learned to not tell anyone about it. Society definitely frowns on women dating younger men.

21 is grown up and 35 isn't old. So I don't see the issue. If it was 21 and 55 I see your point but I don't think there is that much difference between a 21 year old and a 35 year old.
And also I presume he is telling the potential dates his real age?