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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that a 35 year old man setting his dating range to age 21+ is revolting?

366 replies

colachive · 14/05/2025 06:23

DP friend is in the process of getting divorced. He is actively on the apps, as he hasn’t had sex with his ex wife for 5 years, is pretty desperate. My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag”, and down to 26+ for a relationship.

AIBU to find this gross? 21 year old girls will think a 35 year old man is ancient, no? He seems to think that that’s an acceptable age gap. For context I’m 37.

OP posts:
GreenWheat · 14/05/2025 07:21

It's really none of your business. He isn't lying about his own age and isn't trying to trap young women. He's just putting it out there. Some women in their early twenties like men in their thirties.

PermanentTemporary · 14/05/2025 07:22

It's off putting but legal. If the 21 year olds aren't interested presumably he won't get anywhere. Tbh most men sem to choose '18-99'.

It would be one of those moments where you look at your own partner and see them in an unflattering light though.

Absolutenonsense · 14/05/2025 07:22

safetyfreak · 14/05/2025 06:49

I am a 35 year old F, yes it is cringe but, it put off many of the women in his age range lol.

I agree. It would put me off too. I think he’d have more luck overall if he put 25+

liveforsummer · 14/05/2025 07:22

Also as pointed out if the 21 year olds aren’t interested in men that age then they’ll have their age bracket set too and never become aware of each other. They are old enough to make their own choices on this one!

GoldDuster · 14/05/2025 07:25

I think the problem you've got with this is that your DH advised his mate to try to shag a 21 year old, rather than the age gap itself.

ArtTheClown · 14/05/2025 07:29

21+ is an adult. Many of them may indeed find him revoltingly old, but as adults they can make that decision.
Your DH comment was revolting though.

TheHappyBug · 14/05/2025 07:29

I think for a bit of a fling it’s fine, they aren’t going to have much in common but for a fling that doesn’t really matter.

35 year old men have a bit more about them (generally speaking) than 21 year old men, probably better in the bedroom too so I can see why a 21 year old would be attracted to that and at such a young age they probably won’t be looking for The One either.

ItGhoul · 14/05/2025 07:35

I had a relationship with a man in his 30s when I was 20. As we were both adults, and got on really well, it was fine. We stayed friends for years and years afterwards. If I hadn’t found him attractive I wouldn’t have dated him. HTH.

Gia906 · 14/05/2025 07:37

I briefly dated an active, athletic 34 yo off an app when I was 26. Felt a huge gap even at that age and felt quite sexy initially but then he did certain things which gave me the ick and reminded me he was ‘old’!

Now here I am, mid thirties and going grey. 😁

XiCi · 14/05/2025 07:44

JaninaDuszejko · 14/05/2025 06:37

Hopelessly optimistic more like. Although a friend of mine met her husband when she was 22 and he was 36. That was 30 years ago though when teenagers were viewed as adults.

I was a teen 30 years ago and that definitely wasn't my experience. 36 would have seemed ancient, you're talking some of my friends parents age. We all dated around our own age group. There were a couple of boys in uni that were going out with older women, only late 20s, but at the time they looked and seemed so old to us. Those 10 years made a huge difference at 18.

At 22, I wouldnt have entertained the thought of going out with a 35 year old divorcee with baggage. It's the time of your life when your having the most fun and the gaps seem bigger than they do later in life when you've both lived a bit. No way id have wanted a mid 30s bloke cramping my style. You seem disgusted at the friend though OP when it's actually your DP that suggested it!

Communitywebbing · 14/05/2025 07:48

21 year olds are well able to decide whether or not to date a 35 year old. There’s nothing revolting about finding younger women attractive, it’s natural. What matters is what the older men do about it and how respectfully they speak about and treat women of all ages.

Crackerjacked · 14/05/2025 07:49

When I was 21 , I thought 35 year old men were gorgeous. Now I’m 61 and I feel the same. I think 35 is the perfect age for a man, they look at their best then and they’ve generally matured emotionally by then too

Mirroar · 14/05/2025 07:50

As long as he's honest about his age I don't see the issue, women can choose whether they want to match with him or message him and won't be forced into it just because he's lifted that as a preference. It's pretty telling of your DHs point of view though!

Lasttraintolondon · 14/05/2025 07:52

This weird thing where we're trying to say adults who are 21+ don't have their own agency to make their own choices that suit them, not you OP. I've only just got enough judgy energy for those that shop in pajamas and I've found there's none left for making up new issues.

HoppingPavlova · 14/05/2025 08:16

I don’t think it’s gross. When I was early 20’s I dated men in mid-30’s, was far preferred than young men my own age. As I got older the gap narrowed for age range so, by 30, I was looking at 35yo men still, not 45yo men. I just found men my own age really juvenile before 30 odd. I think women, in general, are more mature at an earlier point and that doesn’t always match young men their own age.

There’s also the whole ‘finding yourself in your 20’s’ thing. Complete nightmare when you have 2x these people together during those years. Much better if you only have one and the other person has passed that phase and knows who they are.

The only issue I had was around that age some look to seriously settle down, which doesn’t gel well with the other person in the ‘20’s finding themselves space’, so I had a few break ups due to this but overall, was still preferable to guys my own age at the time, and probably less break ups than with 2 x fuck ups in their 20’s tbh.

rwalker · 14/05/2025 08:19

It’s all consensual and let be honest he’s not looking for a 21 years old to live happily ever after with

PresidentMacron · 14/05/2025 08:22

'ow you say in England?

"What is good for the goose is good for the gander"

(Bien sûr, we would eat the goose!)

Nutmuncher · 14/05/2025 08:23

Not really any of your business, your DP has no problem with it either. I know of quite a few big age gap relationships so it’s not that uncommon nor is it illegal.

Greenartywitch · 14/05/2025 08:23

Yes. Entitled, delusional and grim.

I have men in their 40s and 50s set their target age from 21 (or even 18...) too on dating apps.

The fact that a 21 year old is an adult does not change the fact that a 35 year old man is at a completely different stage in their life and level of maturity.

''My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag”''

OP, your partner sounds like he has some issues too...

MyOliveHelper · 14/05/2025 08:27

I'd worry that my partner thinks a younger woman is fine for a low commitment sexual relationship. That's the way you're most likely to run into problems dating a young woman. You'd be better to her if you only dated her if you potenitally saw a long term future than keeping her as a fling.

Your partner seems to be saying that young women are fine to shag and move on, but older women are more suitable for actual commitment.

jsku · 14/05/2025 08:28

Is this post really about the guy - or about your feelings about dealing with aging? Ot worrying that your partner secretly lusts over younger women?

Otherwise - no, I don’t think your partner is wrong. If the man in question has just divorced and looking for something casual - he probably should not try to match with women in his age group - women in mid-30s, generally, are looking for relationships. And so are many in late 20s.

Personally - I also found men in their 30s attractive when I was in my 20s. They were more mature and less selfish in bed than the younger men.

RustyBear · 14/05/2025 08:38

heroinechic · 14/05/2025 06:52

Yes it is gross, what interest is a 21 year old woman to a 35 year old man, other than using her body? You need to be reserving your judgement for closer to home though, seeing as this came at the suggestion of your partner.

How many of the 35 year old women on here would consider sleeping with a 21 year old man?

Not at all gross - my dad was 37 and my mum 21 when they met, 38 and 22 when they married. They were happily married for 51 years until she died and he adored her to the end and beyond.

And on your other point, another male family member has been happily married to a woman 16 years older than him for 15 years - longer than many of their friends who said it would never last.

You can never make assumptions about someone else’s marriage.

rwalker · 14/05/2025 08:42

You could ask for a millionaire does mean you’ll get one

Parky04 · 14/05/2025 08:44

heroinechic · 14/05/2025 06:52

Yes it is gross, what interest is a 21 year old woman to a 35 year old man, other than using her body? You need to be reserving your judgement for closer to home though, seeing as this came at the suggestion of your partner.

How many of the 35 year old women on here would consider sleeping with a 21 year old man?

From what I've seen on MN, plenty!

ApricotFlan · 14/05/2025 08:49

Surely a 21 year old woman is capable of saying “No thanks” and swiping left? That’s if he even appears in her matches.

Do people that you’re even use dating apps anyway?