To think that a 35 year old man setting his dating range to age 21+ is revolting?

[colachive]

DP friend is in the process of getting divorced. He is actively on the apps, as he hasn’t had sex with his ex wife for 5 years, is pretty desperate. My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag”, and down to 26+ for a relationship.

AIBU to find this gross? 21 year old girls will think a 35 year old man is ancient, no? He seems to think that that’s an acceptable age gap. For context I’m 37.

Maybe it's why there are a larger number of single men on dating sites. Not realistic. Maybe find someone looking for a dad figure or someone with money or status

I don't think it's revolting, but I think it's unlikely he'll get much interest from 21 yos unless he's very charming, wealthy and good looking!

I think this is about consensual contact so I think you are being a bit unreasonable. Calling legal relationships ‘revolting’ is also a bit strong.

there are so many advantages to the 35 year old man going out with the 21 year old woman. Most people look at Leonardo di caprio and think - well we get it.

Whether I look on these men with a huge amount of respect is another question.

I would have thought that he meant 21 year olds are less likely to be looking for a relationship and more of a fling/casual sex situation instead so if he wants to just have sex then anyone over 21 is fine but if he wants a relationship then 26+ as they’re more likely to be looking for something serious.

Either way 21 isn’t a girl, she’s still an adult and could equally be using an older guy for easy sex.

I knew a woman that put her age gap as 7 years younger and only 1 year older.
We're from the Indian community and the website she was on was for only Indians.
I thought 'that's not happening' and it didn't.
She's still single.

When I was 21 I would have been interested in 35 yo men, way more than 21 yo men, I dont think its an issue at all. 21 is a fully fledged adult. I was 25 when I met 38 yo DH.

Depends on what the woman wants? My DH was 32 and I was 21 when we met. We are now 31 and 42. You wouldn't have caught me with a 21 year old man at 21, far too immature! He's still immature now ffs. Have always been attracted to older men and he was my first boyfriend and my last.... so what

At 21 I found men under 25 quite immature and revolting. 35+ was about right

I had a 40 year old boyfriend at 23. It didn't work out, mainly I admit due to the age gap (and the fact he was an arrogant prick!). However I was a consenting adult and it was my decision.

My niece (in her 20s) has a similar age gap relationship.

There was an (almost) 14 year age gap between my parents, who met and started when my mother was 23 and my Dad was 37. Dad was born in October 1947, Mum in September 1961.

Dad certainly wasn't sleazy or predatory in any way; they simply met and hit it off and found each other attractive.

Personally, I think 21+ is fine.

And speaking as a female who finds considerably older men attractive, there would definitely be some women in their early twenties who would be happy to date a man in his mid-thirties.

I think you and your DH discussing another man's sex life or lack of it as pertains to his marriage and what he needs to do next, especially you, is gross. Put boundaries in place and leave your DH and his mate to discuss the intricacies of his sex life. Remember, if the friend discusses his private life so freely, your DH is also likely to have discussed yours with him too.

There was a 10 year age gap between my grandparents. They had a very strong relationship.

I think upto 10 years in either direction is OK. Anything over 10 years is a bit too much in my opinion.

Works for Cher & Tilda Swinton

Yeah of course this kind of relationship is absolutely fine and they’re both adults. I think what bothers me is that he hasn’t met an individual at that age and hit it off, he’s specifically looking in that age range for sex on apps. It reminds me of the modern equivalent of those sleazy guys in the club who would flash their thick wallets and offer to buy you a drink (back in the Mesolithic when I was 21)

Men and women have always had casual relationships with older or younger partners as they both get something out of it. Back in my younger days we used to meet men in clubs but we all knew the older guys would buy our drinks all evening, take us for a meal , have a decent car and a place of their own, so for a casual fling they were a much better prospect than a 21 year old. But it worked the other way as well. The 21 year old lads knew that there were certain clubs frequented by older women looking to pull a young 'stud' for a casual night and these women would buy the lads drinks all night, pay for their meals etc.

Revolting is a bit strong. A bit icky sure. As others have said delusional and optimistic are better words. He's only setting a filter to 21+, he's not seeking out only 21yos, that would be revolting.

Im 41 and i went out on a few dates with a 23 year old earlier this year. It was really nice

Anyone over 21 is an adult.

When i went out on the dates with ths 23 year old, we had a lot in common, we were chatting away. It didnt feel like there was much difference between us

Hope springs eternal! 🤣

Im 41 and i am now dating a 29 year old man.

Why should we only date people similiar age to us? It makes no sense.

Adults are adults

If she’s consenting to the sex, what’s the problem?

I slept with a 21yo when I was 41

But it was your DH that suggested shagging 21 year olds was the way forward. I'd wonder what he's been thinking about.

I would have and did happily have sex with 35 year olds when I was 21. That’s all I can go on. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Yeah why is your dh getting involved

Exactly, 35 is hardly old.

There is not much difference between people in their twenties and thirties