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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that a 35 year old man setting his dating range to age 21+ is revolting?

366 replies

colachive · 14/05/2025 06:23

DP friend is in the process of getting divorced. He is actively on the apps, as he hasn’t had sex with his ex wife for 5 years, is pretty desperate. My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag”, and down to 26+ for a relationship.

AIBU to find this gross? 21 year old girls will think a 35 year old man is ancient, no? He seems to think that that’s an acceptable age gap. For context I’m 37.

OP posts:
dontcryformeargentina · 14/05/2025 09:02

The contributing factors for young hot women will be if he is still hot himself and generous enough to pay for meals/ drinks.

dottydodah · 14/05/2025 09:03

If hes well off and trim ,it may not be a problem .21 year olds differ as well, Some may be mature and nearer 22 in age .Others less so .I dont see the problem really .Older guys have more experience and may be better off .Unless anyone is making them go out together the girls can choose!

JohnAmendAll · 14/05/2025 09:06

It's the age gap between our DD and our SIL. They seem to have no issues.

(a) I don't see the problem and (b) I don't understand why it should concern you.

Expensivecoffee · 14/05/2025 09:10

What as it got to do with you and your husband op.
Its not a crime they are both adults.
Or are you jealous.
Leave people alone let them have some fun who cares.

When i was 22 i was dating a 40 year old for 6months it was fun then we moved on.

JustFeedMeCake · 14/05/2025 09:12

If anyone is revolting in this, it’s your partner OP.

flyinghen · 14/05/2025 09:14

Not revolting when I was 22 I definitely found older men attractive! I was a consenting adult. When I was on dating apps I set mine to be my age + as I didn’t want to date younger but my upper limit was a lot older than me. 🙈

Coconutter24 · 14/05/2025 09:20

My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag”, and down to 26+ for a relationship.

That attitude is revolting and that came from your partner. Just to be clear when you say “he seems to thinks that’s an acceptable age gap” are you talking about your DP or his friend?

Littlecaf · 14/05/2025 09:34

Not revolting - I went out with a 38 year old for a couple of years when I was 25. It didn’t work because of our age difference! But it was a good relationship until we realised we wanted different things. I don’t think it was just my physical appearance, I’m not a catch! He was a laugh, we had lots of fun, travelled to amazing places then he wanted kids and I was still mid 20s and didn’t. We met at work so there was no swiping or stalking on socials first.

Growlybear83 · 14/05/2025 09:37

People are so weird about age on Mumsnet. If the man is being honest about his age, and if a 21 year old wants to go out with a 35 year old, I really don’t see why it’s a problem. A 21 year old has been an adult for 3 years and may well have been living independently and supporting themselves for that time - I was married at with a mortgage by the time I turned 21. Before I met my husband, I had a relationship with a man where there was a 13 year age gap; I was fully aware of his age and there wasn’t an issue. Many women prefer older men.

Todayisaday · 14/05/2025 09:46

For me it's a bit gross.
But a 21 year old can choose to have sex with a 36 year old if she wants, if he is not lying about his age then I don't see what the issue is with two consenting adults. Some 21 year olds might have a thing for older men. It's not up to you to decide for them.

healthybychristmas · 14/05/2025 10:00

Ask him what he thinks about dating someone who's 49, because that's exactly the same age difference the other way.

Natsku · 14/05/2025 10:05

I'm 38 and I'm currently training a 21 year old and he seems like such a child to me, how could anyone in this age group consider someone of that age as a sexual partner??

Original poster
colachive · 14/05/2025 10:11

Thanks for the replies. For the record, my partner’s attitude of “21 year old girls are good for a shag” is what I find revolting - we had a blowout in the car about it. Agree that it isn’t like in my youth when older men would sleaze on you in the club - the apps make sure the age ranges are consensual so who cares - but still, I find it gross that a man of 35 expects to be able to use young girls for a shag 🙄

OP posts:
rivalsbinge · 14/05/2025 10:11

My work colleague is 25 her settings are up to 40, she finds men her own age really childish, immature and a bit boring. She wants to travel, explore and be with someone a bit more established. I kind of understand her logic so given the gap is similar I think plenty of 21 year olds would like someone mature, 21 year males are still like boys.

Butchyrestingface · 14/05/2025 10:17

colachive · 14/05/2025 10:11

Thanks for the replies. For the record, my partner’s attitude of “21 year old girls are good for a shag” is what I find revolting - we had a blowout in the car about it. Agree that it isn’t like in my youth when older men would sleaze on you in the club - the apps make sure the age ranges are consensual so who cares - but still, I find it gross that a man of 35 expects to be able to use young girls for a shag 🙄

Well, 21 isn’t a ‘young girl’. It’s an adult woman.

When I was 21, I was attracted to older men. I agree though that the idea 21 yos are okay for a fuck and run, but only ‘older’ women deserve the effort that goes with an actual relationship, is rank.

What did your partner suggest his pal state as the upper age limit?

I’m thinking it will have been along the lines of “no old birds over 28” .

TheGreyQuail · 14/05/2025 10:18

Your partners response....urgh. So nice to know that's what men really think about women, not.
I'm married since the ark landed but there is no way, if I was single /widowed would I be looking for someone who was 20 years older. They would probably be on their death bed already!😆

a222 · 14/05/2025 10:18

i am 21 and my boyfriend is 34 😂

BeanQuisine · 14/05/2025 10:20

So I assume you'd find a relationship between a 55 year old man and 41 year old woman "revolting", too?

If not, at what age does a 14 year gap stop being "revolting", and should they just keep the relationship secret until then?

Todayisaday · 14/05/2025 10:23

colachive · 14/05/2025 10:11

Thanks for the replies. For the record, my partner’s attitude of “21 year old girls are good for a shag” is what I find revolting - we had a blowout in the car about it. Agree that it isn’t like in my youth when older men would sleaze on you in the club - the apps make sure the age ranges are consensual so who cares - but still, I find it gross that a man of 35 expects to be able to use young girls for a shag 🙄

Yep that is grim :(

Sashya · 14/05/2025 10:26

OP - TBH, I think the post is less about "men" and more about you.

Your partner didn't do anything wrong by suggesting that younger women will be more likely to not be seeking a relationship, and OK with something more casual. Why does this need to threaten your relationship and lead to "blow out"???

People on the apps are free to make their own choices. And a younger woman can decide to have sex with an older man without him "using her for sex" - it is such a Victorian attitude to sex....

Butchyrestingface · 14/05/2025 10:27

BeanQuisine · 14/05/2025 10:20

So I assume you'd find a relationship between a 55 year old man and 41 year old woman "revolting", too?

If not, at what age does a 14 year gap stop being "revolting", and should they just keep the relationship secret until then?

The older people (women) get, the less it’s even acknowledged there IS an age gap at all.

Hence the way Keanu Reeves was lauded for dating a woman “his own age”.

No, she bloody isn’t. She’s about ten years younger. 🙄. So he wasn’t bucking the basic trend for Hollywood men to date younger - just the degree of it.

fiveIsNewOne · 14/05/2025 10:27

It seems more acceptable to me when it is an app than hitting on young women in a club.

This way he would get matches only with women who find his age ok themselves.

MoominUnderWater · 14/05/2025 10:29

There’s a 14 year age gap between me and Dh. I was in my early 20s and he was mid 30s when we got together. Been married 25 years now. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Katiesaidthat · 14/05/2025 10:30

Weird attitude. Stop infantilising women. When I was 21 and anyone 35 hit on me I would´ve told him to get lost. We have agency you know. If a 35 year old Brad Pitt had come along I might have been interested (he was gorgeous), or if not would have moved on. Simple.

Zebedee999 · 14/05/2025 10:31

colachive · 14/05/2025 06:23

DP friend is in the process of getting divorced. He is actively on the apps, as he hasn’t had sex with his ex wife for 5 years, is pretty desperate. My partner advised him to set his age range from 21 “if all you want is a shag”, and down to 26+ for a relationship.

AIBU to find this gross? 21 year old girls will think a 35 year old man is ancient, no? He seems to think that that’s an acceptable age gap. For context I’m 37.

Personally I don't like it. But if they are consenting adults then so be it. Any possible "partner material" would avoid anyone willing to go that low so whilst he leaves it at 21 he can expect to be single.
Incidentally women do the same, its not just men, and I find that equally troublesome. But each to their own I guess.